One Year.

Yesterday marked one year since the loss of our first pregnancy.

While the fierce, raw pain of a miscarriage isn't something I would wish on the worst person in the world, DJ and I have learned so much from our experiences. Last night we sat together and enjoyed a Jello cup and talked about how this experience has changed us, both as individuals and as a couple.

I am softer, more able to empathize with others as they face their own heartbreaks and struggles.
I've always considered myself to be a good listener. However, our experience with loss has helped me to be a good feeler. I am able to feel with others as they are traversing their trials. I have had many beautiful people feel my pain with me and those individuals have taught me how important it is to feel with others in their times of need.

DJ has learned how to truly be understanding.

As we spoke last night DJ recounted how, with the first miscarriage, he literally had NO idea what I was going through, both physically and emotionally. We hit a few rough spots because I was suffering and he was unaware of the pain I truly was in. He is a different man today. I will send him a text telling him that I am having a rough time and he will reply saying, "I'm so sorry that you're not feeling well, is there anything I can do for you?" He is kinder, more empathetic, loving. 

I have a greater respect for life and how fragile it really is.

Each new day is a blessing. Prior to our trials, I feel that I took many of those blessed new days for granted. While I still slip up at times, I try to approach each day with an attitude of gratitude. I try to make the most of each new day and live up to my full potential. After all, who really knows how many days we have left?

We have found that there is great happiness in putting each other before our own selves. 

DJ and I have learned that within a marriage, it is all too easy to fall into a mindset of "I need..." or "I want..." However, our burdens are lightened when we instead ask one another, "What do you need? What can I do for you? What do you want?" By putting each other first, we are meeting one another's needs and having our own needs met simultaneously in a caring, respectful, loving manner. 

We have learned that happiness is a choice that each of us gets to make.

One of the most difficult trials that I have faced as a result of our losses is choosing to keep myself from drowning in a dark, depressing place. It's an ongoing battle, and I admit that there have been times when I have dipped a toe or two into that murky water. It's a lot easier to sink to that dark depth than it is to fight to stay afloat, but the fight has strengthened me. It has strengthened my husband. It has strengthened our relationship with one another. It has strengthened our relationship with God. By choosing to be happy despite the pain and heartbreak, we have both grown in ways that we could never have imagined. 

We have learned that God is aware of us, that He loves us, and that He has a plan.

We are taught to map out our lives. "After graduation I will go to college...I will get a degree in...After I have a college degree, I will...By the time I am thirty..." It's not bad to have a plan. In fact, it's encouraged. However, we have to remember that God is in charge and His plan trumps all. Regardless of our own plans for ourselves, He has control and will point us in the direction that we should go. I remember wondering why in the world I had to go through the pain and loss of a miscarriage, and what good could possibly come from such an awful experience. I was beginning to find my answers, and then we lost Baby #2. 

"Why? Why me? What did I do to deserve this?" Questions that I have been tempted to ask a time or two, and maybe have. But the Lord always responds in His soft, gentle, peaceful way that He loves me and that He knows that I am hurting. It is difficult for Him to see me in pain, but He must let me suffer because He knows that there are things I need to learn from my trials. He has a plan, and great blessings are in store for me and DJ. Hope, have faith, and press onward. 

"Wherefore, ye must press forward with a steadfastness in Christ, having a perfect brightness of hope, and a love of God and of all men. Wherefore, if ye shall press forward, feasting upon the word of Christ, and endure to the end, behold, thus saith the Father: Ye shall have eternal life."

While the past year has been far from smooth-sailing, I am grateful for all that we have been through. We have truly felt the hand of the Lord shaping us, making us stronger, making us better. I know that we have many spirit children waiting to come to this earth through our love, and I look forward to the day when we finally, finally get to meet them.