Birthday #21.

My 21st birthday was a few weeks ago.

Honestly it was an awful birthday! I was still in the process of having a miscarriage. So that was hard to manage, emotionally and physically.

However, the next weekend we went out to dinner at Red Robin with a whole bunch of wonderful people and that was a blast! 

Another year older and wiser, too. 

I think about where I was at this time last year. 

I was still reeling from a miscarriage that had taken place about 2 months earlier (our first), constantly sick with grief, unemployed due to said sickness, NOT dealing with our loss well and in a really really dark place. I don't know if I would peg it as depression but it still wasn't a fun place to be. Not to toot my own horn, but I feel like I truly have grown so much in the past year. 

I've learned that I am in control of my life. Nothing, not even despair, sorrow, or grief, can run my life unless

I allow it to. I've learned to be a better wife - my relationship with my DJ is better than it's ever been. I've learned to listen to others and sympathize with them in their times of need.

I've learned that the Atonement of Jesus Christ doesn't just apply to sins but also to sorrows. I've learned that my Savior felt all of the pain that I have ever felt or ever will feel and that by relying on Him, my burdens can be made light. 

Although it has probably been the most difficult year of my entire life, I am thankful for the struggles that I have faced. I can see how they have molded me into a better, stronger woman than I was a year ago. 

I can't wait to see what this next year has in store for me!

The Journey is Important.

A great weakness of mine is struggling to enjoy the present.

It's not that I don't appreciate the things that I have and the life that I live. I am very blessed, and I recognize that those blessings come from the Lord.

But I often find myself yearning for the things that the future has in store for me. I know that there are great things ahead, and on difficult days, I tend to get lost aching for those things that I have yet to achieve.

It's almost like a coping mechanism for me.

I think thoughts such as,

"This week has been really hard so far, if I can just make it to the weekend..."

or 

"One more year of school for DJ and then we won't struggle so much anymore..."

I get caught up in this way of thinking, and before I know it I have reached my destination, but have completely missed the journey there.

And I am learning that the journey is important.

Sweet, sweet DJ and I had a heart-to-heart about this weakness of mine the other evening. He kindly (but bluntly) pointed out that my life was passing me by and I was missing out on valuable opportunities to learn and grow. At first I was stubborn and argued that aiming for the future is a good thing. My loving husband pointed out that while it is a good thing, it can (and does) cause me to stress and be impatient and anxious. DJ taught me that every day is a gift, and should be treated as such. I realized that he is right, and I am grateful that he was prompted to intervene and to help me find peace and happiness.

I walked away feelings refreshed and renewed, with a strong resolve to work towards the future but enjoy each day for all that it is worth.

Since our little talk, and through speaking with the Lord and asking for assistance and patience, I have felt a wonderful sense of peace enter my life. While I still have my goals and aspirations, I feel like my life has slowed down and my eyes have been opened. I spend less time worrying about when x,y, or z will happen and by doing so, I have slowly been able to recognize those daily opportunities for growth and instruction.

I am more able to find happiness in the little things. 

I am more able to express love to my family.

I am more patient.

I am more in tune with the Holy Spirit.

I am still learning, and I think that it will be a process to find a balance between aspiring for goals and enjoying the present. I am grateful that DJ took notice of my stress and impatience and that he lovingly has directed me down the path to overcoming this weakness of mine and living a more fulfilling life.

The destination is wonderful, but the journey is important.

As I Began to Love Myself.

Just a little thought that I know I need to remember. Made a difference in my attitude today.

"As I began to love myself, I freed myself of anything that is no good for my health - food, people, things, situations, and everything that drew me down and away from myself. At first I called this attitude egoism. Today, I know it is love of oneself."

~Charlie Chaplin~

Goals.

I believe in bettering oneself.

When I am going through difficult times, or when I am not satisfied with how I feel about my life, I often find myself pondering on the things that I am doing, and what I could do better. I then like to formulate a plan to improve those things that I am dissatisfied with.

I am a goal setter.

Recently, after finding ourselves in a bit of a funk, DJ and I decided that we needed to make some changes in our life. 

First, we set a goal to eat healthier, fresher foods. 

This goal was particularly difficult for me. 

As the wife who does the majority of the cooking, setting a goal to eat out less and cook at home more meant meal planning, grocery shopping, and turning on the stove.

Like I said, difficult.

I set about creating weekly meal and shopping plans, and after about a month of committing myself to my routine, I am proud to say that I am getting used to things. We are eating out only about once a week, usually on the weekends, saving SO much money and reducing waste by shopping every week and only for things that we need, and we are both feeling healthier and happier as we introduce whole, healthy foods into our bodies. 

Our next goal involved keeping a clean home where the Spirit would be welcomed and easily felt. 

Our cleaning routine historically has gone something like this:

Spend 10 hours every Saturday cleaning and scrubbing and doing the laundry and then trash the place throughout the week and do it all over again next Saturday.

It was exhausting and super disappointing to come home to a house that got messier and messier as the week went on. Not to mention the fact that I could rarely go out on Saturdays due to the giant mess that I had to clean. 

DJ and I decided that we would dedicate 10-15 minutes a day to pick up the house. In addition to picking up each day, I have also been trying to do one bigger chore (such as vacuum, dust, scrub the toilet, etc.) and a load of laundry each day to minimize the amount of work that I will have to do on the weekends.

I am still working on getting the bigger chores into a cyclical system, but I seriously cannot BELIEVE how much of a difference a clean home has made. It is SO refreshing to open the front door and see a spotless living room, and then continue on to see that the dishes are done, the bed is made, the laundry is off of the floor. The irritation that was caused by messiness is gone, and because we are dividing the workload and doing a little bit each day, DJ and I have more time to spend with one another and less time to stress over a messy home. We are pretty proud of ourselves for doing such a good job the past two weeks, and I think that because there has been such a drastic change in the atmosphere of our home that we are both very motivated to continue keeping our home peaceful and clean. 

Our next goal has been to exercise weekly. 

DJ has been doing an AWESOME job at this one, going to the gym 3-4 times a week and going on bike rides in the mornings on the days that he doesn't go. 

I, however, have been once in the past month.

I really hate working out and sweating, but I do know that it is supremely important that I exercise on a daily basis. Therefore, I have set a goal that beginning today, I will try my hardest to go to the gym 3 days this week. This morning, I woke up a little bit earlier than usual and packed a bag of gym clothes and DJ and I made a plan to meet at the gym after work. I am trying to be committed and preparing ahead of time always helps keep me from bailing at the last minute. So, we will see how today goes, and I really hope that I can get my lazy bum working out 3 times this week! 

Wish me luck.

Finally (for now - there will be more goal setting in the future, I'm sure of it!) DJ and I have been trying to be more committed to studying our scriptures and praying together every single day. We have always struggled to be consistent with this, and we have felt the blessings of doing so missing from our lives. We decided that we needed to make a greater effort to follow the Lord's counsel, and have started reading and praying each day. Some days we do a really awesome job and read a chapter and then write about our thoughts and feelings, and other days a half hour after going to sleep I have to wake DJ up because we forgot to pray and we hold hands and say the prayer in bed. We are definitely not perfect, but we are feeling a difference. The Spirit is more present than it was and we are able to easily recognize the Lord's hand in our day to day lives. It is such a blessing to be able to read and pray together, and I regret that we haven't been more diligent in the past. I look forward to continuing to grow closer together and to the Lord and seeing the blessings that will manifest in our lives through our dedication.

Goal setting is super important to me. It's a part of my personality, a part of who I am. Some people can better themselves naturally and effortlessly, but I have to look ahead and make a plan to get where I want to be. If I'm not setting goals for myself, I am not progressing. But I am thankful that that is the way I am, because through goal setting I can look back at where I was and see where I am now and easily see the changes I have made. I have big plans for myself, and one step at a time, I will get there.