One Year.

Yesterday marked one year since the loss of our first pregnancy.

While the fierce, raw pain of a miscarriage isn't something I would wish on the worst person in the world, DJ and I have learned so much from our experiences. Last night we sat together and enjoyed a Jello cup and talked about how this experience has changed us, both as individuals and as a couple.

I am softer, more able to empathize with others as they face their own heartbreaks and struggles.
I've always considered myself to be a good listener. However, our experience with loss has helped me to be a good feeler. I am able to feel with others as they are traversing their trials. I have had many beautiful people feel my pain with me and those individuals have taught me how important it is to feel with others in their times of need.

DJ has learned how to truly be understanding.

As we spoke last night DJ recounted how, with the first miscarriage, he literally had NO idea what I was going through, both physically and emotionally. We hit a few rough spots because I was suffering and he was unaware of the pain I truly was in. He is a different man today. I will send him a text telling him that I am having a rough time and he will reply saying, "I'm so sorry that you're not feeling well, is there anything I can do for you?" He is kinder, more empathetic, loving. 

I have a greater respect for life and how fragile it really is.

Each new day is a blessing. Prior to our trials, I feel that I took many of those blessed new days for granted. While I still slip up at times, I try to approach each day with an attitude of gratitude. I try to make the most of each new day and live up to my full potential. After all, who really knows how many days we have left?

We have found that there is great happiness in putting each other before our own selves. 

DJ and I have learned that within a marriage, it is all too easy to fall into a mindset of "I need..." or "I want..." However, our burdens are lightened when we instead ask one another, "What do you need? What can I do for you? What do you want?" By putting each other first, we are meeting one another's needs and having our own needs met simultaneously in a caring, respectful, loving manner. 

We have learned that happiness is a choice that each of us gets to make.

One of the most difficult trials that I have faced as a result of our losses is choosing to keep myself from drowning in a dark, depressing place. It's an ongoing battle, and I admit that there have been times when I have dipped a toe or two into that murky water. It's a lot easier to sink to that dark depth than it is to fight to stay afloat, but the fight has strengthened me. It has strengthened my husband. It has strengthened our relationship with one another. It has strengthened our relationship with God. By choosing to be happy despite the pain and heartbreak, we have both grown in ways that we could never have imagined. 

We have learned that God is aware of us, that He loves us, and that He has a plan.

We are taught to map out our lives. "After graduation I will go to college...I will get a degree in...After I have a college degree, I will...By the time I am thirty..." It's not bad to have a plan. In fact, it's encouraged. However, we have to remember that God is in charge and His plan trumps all. Regardless of our own plans for ourselves, He has control and will point us in the direction that we should go. I remember wondering why in the world I had to go through the pain and loss of a miscarriage, and what good could possibly come from such an awful experience. I was beginning to find my answers, and then we lost Baby #2. 

"Why? Why me? What did I do to deserve this?" Questions that I have been tempted to ask a time or two, and maybe have. But the Lord always responds in His soft, gentle, peaceful way that He loves me and that He knows that I am hurting. It is difficult for Him to see me in pain, but He must let me suffer because He knows that there are things I need to learn from my trials. He has a plan, and great blessings are in store for me and DJ. Hope, have faith, and press onward. 

"Wherefore, ye must press forward with a steadfastness in Christ, having a perfect brightness of hope, and a love of God and of all men. Wherefore, if ye shall press forward, feasting upon the word of Christ, and endure to the end, behold, thus saith the Father: Ye shall have eternal life."

While the past year has been far from smooth-sailing, I am grateful for all that we have been through. We have truly felt the hand of the Lord shaping us, making us stronger, making us better. I know that we have many spirit children waiting to come to this earth through our love, and I look forward to the day when we finally, finally get to meet them. 

1.5

Saturday marked a year and a half of marriage.

I am so blessed to be married to DJ.

Our marriage was inspired, and words cannot express how much happiness it has brought each of us.

1.5 down, eternity to go.

The Journey is Important.

A great weakness of mine is struggling to enjoy the present.

It's not that I don't appreciate the things that I have and the life that I live. I am very blessed, and I recognize that those blessings come from the Lord.

But I often find myself yearning for the things that the future has in store for me. I know that there are great things ahead, and on difficult days, I tend to get lost aching for those things that I have yet to achieve.

It's almost like a coping mechanism for me.

I think thoughts such as,

"This week has been really hard so far, if I can just make it to the weekend..."

or 

"One more year of school for DJ and then we won't struggle so much anymore..."

I get caught up in this way of thinking, and before I know it I have reached my destination, but have completely missed the journey there.

And I am learning that the journey is important.

Sweet, sweet DJ and I had a heart-to-heart about this weakness of mine the other evening. He kindly (but bluntly) pointed out that my life was passing me by and I was missing out on valuable opportunities to learn and grow. At first I was stubborn and argued that aiming for the future is a good thing. My loving husband pointed out that while it is a good thing, it can (and does) cause me to stress and be impatient and anxious. DJ taught me that every day is a gift, and should be treated as such. I realized that he is right, and I am grateful that he was prompted to intervene and to help me find peace and happiness.

I walked away feelings refreshed and renewed, with a strong resolve to work towards the future but enjoy each day for all that it is worth.

Since our little talk, and through speaking with the Lord and asking for assistance and patience, I have felt a wonderful sense of peace enter my life. While I still have my goals and aspirations, I feel like my life has slowed down and my eyes have been opened. I spend less time worrying about when x,y, or z will happen and by doing so, I have slowly been able to recognize those daily opportunities for growth and instruction.

I am more able to find happiness in the little things. 

I am more able to express love to my family.

I am more patient.

I am more in tune with the Holy Spirit.

I am still learning, and I think that it will be a process to find a balance between aspiring for goals and enjoying the present. I am grateful that DJ took notice of my stress and impatience and that he lovingly has directed me down the path to overcoming this weakness of mine and living a more fulfilling life.

The destination is wonderful, but the journey is important.

It Begins.

It's that time of year again.

The end of summer.

August.

School.

As I mentioned in a previous post, I am taking the year off.

DJ, however, dives into his first quarter of graduate school on Thursday.

Bless his heart!

On Saturday, after our eventful evening at the hospital the night before, we decided to go out to dinner to mourn celebrate the beginning of a brand new school year.

We talked about DJ's goals for the year and how we can work together to achieve them.

College is hard.

Graduate school is harder.

DJ will do great, and I am so proud of him for making the choice to further his education for the benefit of our family.

Again.

Well, it is rather unfortunate, but I ended up in the hospital again on Friday night. 

For the third time this year.

I posted this picture with a caption that said, 

"home again, home again, jiggidy jig" 

on Instagram because it seriously is beginning to feel like DJ and I should just move in to the emergency room.

I was having severe pain with my cycle (TMI?) and after talking to a nurse's hotline and DJ's sister who is a nurse, we felt like we should probably go in, just in case. 

Both nurses were concerned that I may have a cyst or even possibly an ectopic pregnancy.

Better to be safe than sorry!

We went in to the ER at 9:30PM and they didn't even get us into a room until 11:00.

I was then poked and prodded and given all sorts of invasive girly tests that were not very fun.

After 6 hours of waiting, we were told that the doctors couldn't find anything wrong.

A relief and a disappointment at the same time.

A relief that my body is not in immediate danger, regardless of the pain suggesting otherwise.

A disappointment because we still don't know what is causing the pain.

Things have resolved themselves a bit over the last few days, and I pray they will keep getting better.

Sort of a scary incident, but we truly are grateful that nothing is seriously wrong. 

Fugitive.

So DJ and I were driving home from Backyard Taco last night in our separate cars. DJ is driving my car and I'm next to him in his car at a stoplight. There's a cop behind me, but I don't take much notice. The light turns green and the cop car jumps over a lane behind DJ and flips on  his lights. DJ is getting pulled over.

Honestly, we had been expecting to get pulled over sooner or later. The tags on my car are from March 2012. Seriously. We did re-register the car last year but they never sent us the tags in the mail, and we have just been putting off registering the vehicle for this current year. Super bad of us, we know.

I follow the cop car into the parking lot where DJ stopped. DJ lets the officer know that I'm the wife and the cop has me pull in and park next to DJ. DJ gives the officer his information and the police man goes back to his car to run the information. So I'm talking with DJ out the window, and the cop suddenly decides that he wants to talk to ME. 

Officer: "Ma'am, do you know that there is a warrant out for your arrest in Texas?"

Me: (*blank stare*) "Excuse me?"

Officer: "There is a warrant out for Haley Odom's arrest attached to this license plate number."

I couldn't even believe it. I've never even been to Texas! I'm starting to panic and the officer sees that I am absolutely bewildered and asks me if I'd like to see the warrant for myself. I say yes and follow him to his car where his computer is, and sure enough, attached to my license plate information is a warrant for my arrest. For theft. In Texas. WHAT! 

Luckily, even though the warrant was for me (first, middle and last name + accurate date of birth) there was a description attached that mentioned blonde hair and a tatooed foot. And I have neither. The cop scared the poo out of me for nothing. I hope the blonde Haley Odom who steals things from Texas is happy.

As I Began to Love Myself.

Just a little thought that I know I need to remember. Made a difference in my attitude today.

"As I began to love myself, I freed myself of anything that is no good for my health - food, people, things, situations, and everything that drew me down and away from myself. At first I called this attitude egoism. Today, I know it is love of oneself."

~Charlie Chaplin~