Fugitive.

So DJ and I were driving home from Backyard Taco last night in our separate cars. DJ is driving my car and I'm next to him in his car at a stoplight. There's a cop behind me, but I don't take much notice. The light turns green and the cop car jumps over a lane behind DJ and flips on  his lights. DJ is getting pulled over.

Honestly, we had been expecting to get pulled over sooner or later. The tags on my car are from March 2012. Seriously. We did re-register the car last year but they never sent us the tags in the mail, and we have just been putting off registering the vehicle for this current year. Super bad of us, we know.

I follow the cop car into the parking lot where DJ stopped. DJ lets the officer know that I'm the wife and the cop has me pull in and park next to DJ. DJ gives the officer his information and the police man goes back to his car to run the information. So I'm talking with DJ out the window, and the cop suddenly decides that he wants to talk to ME. 

Officer: "Ma'am, do you know that there is a warrant out for your arrest in Texas?"

Me: (*blank stare*) "Excuse me?"

Officer: "There is a warrant out for Haley Odom's arrest attached to this license plate number."

I couldn't even believe it. I've never even been to Texas! I'm starting to panic and the officer sees that I am absolutely bewildered and asks me if I'd like to see the warrant for myself. I say yes and follow him to his car where his computer is, and sure enough, attached to my license plate information is a warrant for my arrest. For theft. In Texas. WHAT! 

Luckily, even though the warrant was for me (first, middle and last name + accurate date of birth) there was a description attached that mentioned blonde hair and a tatooed foot. And I have neither. The cop scared the poo out of me for nothing. I hope the blonde Haley Odom who steals things from Texas is happy.

Jaws.

So before I go ahead and post about our incredible vacation to Colorado 

 (which will be quite a doosy of a post), I have a seriously hilarious story to tell. 

Sunday night before we left on on our vacation, my mom invited us over for dinner with the missionaries because Dad was out of town and they needed a Priesthood holder to be present. Rules rules. 

*We went mostly for the free meal, but let's pretend that we are a righteous couple who loves to serve.* 

So we go and meet the elders, who are HYSTERICAL, by the way.

 Like the funniest missionaries I have ever met. 

We talk, laugh, stuff our faces, etc. After dinner and dessert, we part ways.

DJ and I had to take Benny to the amazing Kirkland's home, where he would stay for the duration of our vacation.

 {Shoutout to my main girl Kylie for being an amazing friend and keeping our little monster for us.}

 By the time we were done dropping puppy off, it was like 9:30. Spontaneously, on our way home, we decided to stop back by my parent's house to grab some luggage because we didn't have enough of our own. 

*Again, we are going to pretend - let's all pretend like I am a great wife and 

didn't wait until 9:30 the night before we were going to leave to begin packing. Okay thanks.*

We absolutely weren't planning on doing so, but like I said, spur of the moment, we went with it. 

We go back to my parent's house and what do you know, about 10 minutes after we arrive the missionaries return as well. 

My grandpa had cooked some of his delicious to die for barbecue and the elders were coming back after a meeting to get their leftovers. So we are all talking and somehow the conversation turns to weird things that we can do with our bodies. One elder could turn his knee completely backwards (resulting from a football injury years before) and invert his pinky finger. Well, the other elder thought he would demonstrate his party trick and 

UN-HINGES HIS JAW. 

Yes, you read that right, the kid was like a snake. 

Apparently he has some jaw condition that allows him to pop out his jaw and pop it right back into place.

I forgot to mention that this elder had been out in the field for less than one week. He was on his way to Brazil but was waiting for his visa and some paperwork to be completed.

Again, less than one week. 

So he does his nasty trick and after a few minutes of laughing and being totally grossed out,

 he tried to pop it back into place. 

Except it won't work.

I kid you not, the elder can't get his jaw back into place. 

Like it's not physically possible.

At first we thought he was kidding. I remember telling him something along the lines of, "If you are messing with us I am going to knock the Holy Ghost right out of you."

Turns out he wasn't kidding around at all and had actually completely dislocated his jaw.

It was horrifying and disgusting and hilarious all at the same time.

Here he is with his freaky snake jaw.

He seriously can't close his mouth.

Because he can't close his mouth, every time he talks, we all bust up laughing because he sounds so ridiculous. 

Stick your tongue out, grab it with both hands, and then talk.

That's what he sounded like.

So his companion gets a hold of the mission president's wife who calls one of the mission doctors.

Remember that I mentioned that my Dad was out of town?

That means that my mom isn't able to drive them to the mission doctor's home. 

So DJ and I offer to take them, because we felt bad for the poor guy and also because it would be pretty cruel to make him ride his bike six miles with his jaw unhinged. 

Also, we are a righteous couple who loves to serve.

By this time it was past 10:00. 

We were all absolutely exhausted.

But we drove to the mission doctor's home and he tried to fix Elder Jaws.

Watching him kneeling over the elder and grabbing and forcing trying to get his jaw in the right place made my stomach turn. It looked unbelievably painful.

And it didn't work.

He told Elder Jaws that he completely dislocated his jaw and that he was going to 

need anesthesia and a doctor in a hospital to get it put back into place.

10:30PM.

Heading to the emergency room.

We spent a looooong night in the ER with the elders.

Around midnight, after a lot of waiting and some X-rays, the doctors were finally ready to put Elder Jaws under and fix him.

His companion and I had to leave the room, we were so grossed out. 

But DJ, being the curious guy that he is, decided to stay for front row seats. 

It only took about 5 minutes, but DJ said it was gnarly.

Apparently the doctor had a seriously hard time getting the jaw back into place that he had to call in another, younger doctor to do it. And even his arms were shaking as he strained to piece Elder Jaws back together. 

Elder Jaws tried to grab the doctor and move him away in his sleep, which I guess was pretty hilarious.

WILD.

I'm so glad I wasn't in there.

Here's Elder Jaws making his way out of anesthesia.

Which was also hysterical.

Wanna get a missionary to "talk about poop in front of a girl"?

Watch him come out of anesthesia.

You can't see us in this picture, but his companion, DJ, and I are all busting up laughing at the things he is saying as he is waking up. I'm pretty sure the hospital staff was ready to kill us.

Elder Jaws was discharged around 1:15AM and we didn't get home until 1:30. Thankfully they live in the same apartment complex as us so we didn't have to go far.

All in all, a hysterical evening. Never had one like it before, probably never will again.

Elder Jaws and his companion are, as mentioned earlier, SO funny, and DJ and I had a blast getting to know them. 

Even though body parts had to fall off to make it possible.

Staying up late and packing until 4:00 in the morning (and waking back up at 7:00) was not very fun.

But that's a story for a different time!

Old Fart.

Well my cute hubby turned 25 last Friday.

He's growing up so fast.

This year we realized that DJ is half way through his twenties, five years away from being 30.

Then we realized that I am still a decade away from being 30. 

And we awkwardly looked at one another and I assured him that he really isn't a cradle robber.

.......**crickets**.......

He's the Old Fart and I'm his Kid Wife.
But we're cute so who cares.

To celebrate DJ's leap into Old Fart-hoodom, we drove to the cabin on Friday afternoon after work.
Just me, him and Benny.

This is the cute puppy monster snuggled in my lap on the way to the cabin:


He doesn't really like car rides, so instead of coping with his emotions like a big boy
he just falls asleep whenever we drive anywhere with him.
Although I am a believer in facing your fears and giving them a round-house kick in the rear, I cherish Benny's car-ride sleepiness because it's the only time our snuggles aren't forced.
Isn't he absolutely a peach?
Too bad he also happens to be a very, very small terrorist who loves trying to eat people.

We arrived at the cabin around 8:00PM and for the first time in a couple of weeks we did nothing.
It was heavenly.
DJ cleaned his guns, I did a word search, Benny munched on a rawhide.
 No plans, no pressure, just relaxation.

This trip was Benny's first to the cabin.
I'd say, overall, he had a blast! DJ and I sure had fun watching him explore.
We threw him in the water at the Blue Hole and for a second we weren't sure if he was going to come back up. DJ was ready to jump in after him when he finally surfaced and swam back to the shore.
A little while later, after we had hiked a bit more, we went back to the Blue Hole and DJ jumped in with Benny. DJ pretended that the water felt great and totally convinced me to jump in with my clothes on, too.
Ya, it was freezing.
I totally understood why all Benny wanted to do was get out.
For the first time ever I actually found it difficult to breathe in the water because it was so cold.
That was a little bit scary but thankfully I didn't panic and was able to get out of the water.
Benny did NOT appreciate being tossed in the water against his will twice. We learned this when we passed some other hikers going the opposite way on the trail back to the cabin and Benny made it abundantly clear that he would rather stay with them than with us. We sort of felt bad, but at the same time we were really excited that he knew how to swim. Also he looks pathetically cute when he is wet, so dunking him in the water was totally worth it.
This picture isn't from the cabin but it captures just how pitiful Benny looks when wet:

Melts your heart, huh?

Well we came home from the cabin on Saturday afternoon and spent some time with friends later that evening. Sunday came and went, but on Monday we did something really really cool.

As a birthday present, I bought DJ concert tickets to one of our favorite bands, Imagine Dragons!
The show was AMAZING, like I can't even stress that enough.
It was my first concert (DJ's, like, bazillionth concert), and it was such an awesome experience.
The band is super talented and they create incredible, unique music. I really appreciate that they create that amazing music and leave all the unnecessary profanity out of their songs. I have pretty thick ears, but I respect them more because they maintained their standards on stage, unlike most other popular bands.
They did a great job connecting with the audience, and I think that DJ and I had a ton of fun.
I would totally pay to see them again.

So that was the birthday weekend for my Old Fart.
He truly is the greatest blessing in my life.
He's my biggest fan, and I truly believe that I could not face many of my trials without him.
I don't think I could walk through this life or the next with a better man by my side.
I'm so lucky that he is mine forever, and I wouldn't trade a single day with him for 100 years the other way.
He's my main squeeze, my home-skillet biscuit.
I love you, Dougy.

Fat.

Dying over this right here, mostly because it's exactly how I feel. Also it's hysterical.

DJ and I have recently began a quest towards our pre-marriage bodies. 

We've each put on 20+ pounds since we tied the knot and we feel (and look) fat. 

I put on some leggings the other day and seriously, I was a wide-load. I can't believe I left the house.

It's bad.

DJ bought a gym membership with his graduation money and has been pretty good about going with his buddy Jeff.

 He also has a road bike and loves to cycle at the butt crack of dawn with a group of guys.

I, on the other hand, do not have a gym membership or a bike. Or friends.

I have the kitchen full of temptations all to myself.

Really really delicious temptations.

I've been trying to cut back on my calorie intake, but I am afraid my approach is flawed - 

basically I eat a granola bar or two throughout the day and binge eat my dinner. 

Working on figuring that out.

Also I tried to run on Tuesday night. 

Keyword here is "tried".

I lasted about 5 minutes on the treadmill and was ready to surrender 

my firstborn child to the gods of exercise if they would just MAKE IT STOP.

Did not go well.

But I shall keep trying. 

Truth.

Little Nasty.

 So yesterday I was reading up on some baby and fertility stuff and one of the websites had a "See What Your Baby Will Look Like" link. So I decided to play along, knowing full well what I was getting myself into. So I uploaded our pictures and clicked "Show Me My Baby!" and this is what we got:

Look. I mean look.

I don't think I have ever seen a worse face-morphed image in the history of ever. I was laughing (and still am) SO hard at this freaky little thing. I texted the picture to DJ and said "Maybe we shouldn't have kids!"

Still laughing.