Recently.

This is going to be quite the catch-all post, as lots has been going on and I haven't blogged in ages. 

We had a wonderful, albeit small, Christmas this year. Money was super tight but thanks to our sweet peoples we were able to go out and purchase a few small things for one another. Not having much helped me to focus on the true meaning of Christmas, our Savior, and to enjoy the time spent with family. 

On the 23rd we got to stay up super late and Skype with my sister in law who is currently on a mission in the Philippines! It was so good to see her cute face! We miss her so much but she is doing great things over on the other side of the world!

A few days after Christmas we took my family and their friends up to the cabin for the weekend. It was a blast! The family that came with my parents was actually one of DJ's professors this past fall semester. He and his wife are in my parent's ward! They have four small kids + Brandon and Ella = a super fun kid-filled weekend! The littles wanted to go to the snow (and there wasn't much) but we found a lake on top of the Rim that was frozen over with snow on the banks. Again, not much snow but the kiddos didn't care! They loved it! 

Benny was super confused by the snow, especially when the kids would throw it on top of him. I think he had fun though :)

I finished up my job as a nanny to Samantha. I'm so heartbroken that I can't continue caring for her! However, I'm super excited to be going back to school this semester. I only have about a year of school remaining and I'm SO thrilled to be working towards that goal once again. 

DJ just started his final semester of college EVER. He'll be done with his Master's in May!! We (mostly him haha) are super excited for this stage of his life to be over with. On to bigger and better things!!

We completed another round of fertility treatments. I had to have DJ give me an injection in the stomach every other day for a week and a half and it bruised pretty bad, which was nasty, coupled with all of the other wonderful medications. During our two week wait until we found out if we were pregnant I started to have a lot of symptoms of pregnancy (I've been pregnant three times, I have an idea what it feels like) and was SO sure that we were going to have a baby. I took a test and it was POSITIVE! YAY! We were so excited, told our parents and siblings and then found out later that it was a false positive due to a hormone left in my system from one of the injections. 

We are super bummed. We're SOOOO ready to start a family. DJ, who has been super tough throughout all of this, told me the other day that he is aching to have a baby. This just broke my heart. It's super hard having gone through what we have. I try to stay positive, but sometimes I feel like a failure for having a body that responded in such a manner the last three times that we were expecting. I should be able to do this, this is what God made me to do! It's unbelievably discouraging to see others get pregnant and have children without a care in the world while we are here: stuck, on a million nasty medications that I'd much rather NOT have in my body, waiting, hoping and praying that we will be able to get pregnant and then once we are pregnant to worry constantly about whether or not we will keep the baby. It's been a extremely difficult and still is, knowing that we will probably never have a child without medical intervention. 

On a lighter note, I am incredibly thankful that the medical knowledge to help us begin a family exists. Because we couldn't do it on our own. Making the decision to see a specialist was the best thing we've done in a long while. It has brought so much hope, peace, and happiness throughout all of the despair, confusion and fog that we have had to travel through.

Even though we have yet to be successful with our treatments there are happy, hopeful things happening all along the way. Like the fact that we were accepted into a program that allows us to get 75% off our unbelievably expensive medications. Or realizing just how awesome my dad is for working so hard to provide insurance for our family that covers so many of my expenses. Or the fact that we have a 50% chance of conceiving twins! :) There's light a midst the darkness and as we continue to progress we are learning more and more that God has a specific plan in mind for us and traversing this darkness is part of it. He wants us to work to see that light. He knows that we will learn important things from this trial. The Lord knows that finding joy in the journey is a vital lesson that DJ and I need to learn. 

We're looking for that joy.

And we're slowly, but surely, finding it. 

Update.

I realize it has been quite some time since actually writing a post with real, substantial content. Lots has been going on and life has been so crazy busy and wonderful. This is going to be quite a hodge-podge of information but here goes!

DJ just finished his first semester of graduate school! One more to go! Deciding to send DJ to grad school was such a great decision that has lead to some incredible blessings. It hasn't been easy, though. He had to quit his job to make time for his academic responsibilities and that put a lot of pressure on our finances. We've skimmed by, but it has been tight! I try to keep telling myself that we will never be poorer than we are right now! Ha! Something to look forward to :) Deej has excelled at his school work and has worked SO hard to pull off his great grades. I'm so proud of him!

We've made the decision to send me back to school next semester. Honestly, I am so excited. I think I really needed the break that I took the last four months. I was feeling pretty burnt out and taking a semester off has re-vamped my enthusiasm for getting an education. I'm also set on what I would like to major in (Family and Human Development) and I LOVE IT. Such a fun degree that I feel will really benefit our future family. Even though life will be crazy with both of us in school and working, I am anxious to begin learning again!

I'm currently finishing up my last week of work as Samantha's nanny. I've been with her for a year now, since she was 6 weeks old. It's a bittersweet feeling, moving on and going back to school next semester. I love my little Lovebug! The past year of my life I've spent raising her and loving her and I think I will really struggle not seeing her every day. 

My little Etsy shop is taking off! We have made a decent amount of money this year and the supplemental income has been such a blessing. I am able to work on orders while Samantha naps which sure beats sitting and watching TV while she sleeps. I love creating new things and sharing them with others all over the country. We're hoping and praying that the increase of sales continues into the new year.

Well, we are continuing to be treated for our miscarriages. I'll post an update on that chain of events later today. 

Life is good. We are looking forward to having some time off for the holidays. What a wonderful time of year it is! It has always been easy for me to recognize the blessings in my life at this time of year and as difficult as the past year has been, I wouldn't trade it for the world. Looking forward to the greatness that 2014 has in store for us! 

Birthday #21.

My 21st birthday was a few weeks ago.

Honestly it was an awful birthday! I was still in the process of having a miscarriage. So that was hard to manage, emotionally and physically.

However, the next weekend we went out to dinner at Red Robin with a whole bunch of wonderful people and that was a blast! 

Another year older and wiser, too. 

I think about where I was at this time last year. 

I was still reeling from a miscarriage that had taken place about 2 months earlier (our first), constantly sick with grief, unemployed due to said sickness, NOT dealing with our loss well and in a really really dark place. I don't know if I would peg it as depression but it still wasn't a fun place to be. Not to toot my own horn, but I feel like I truly have grown so much in the past year. 

I've learned that I am in control of my life. Nothing, not even despair, sorrow, or grief, can run my life unless

I allow it to. I've learned to be a better wife - my relationship with my DJ is better than it's ever been. I've learned to listen to others and sympathize with them in their times of need.

I've learned that the Atonement of Jesus Christ doesn't just apply to sins but also to sorrows. I've learned that my Savior felt all of the pain that I have ever felt or ever will feel and that by relying on Him, my burdens can be made light. 

Although it has probably been the most difficult year of my entire life, I am thankful for the struggles that I have faced. I can see how they have molded me into a better, stronger woman than I was a year ago. 

I can't wait to see what this next year has in store for me!

Life in Pictures // A Weekend Cabin Trip

xoxo