Update.

I realize it has been quite some time since actually writing a post with real, substantial content. Lots has been going on and life has been so crazy busy and wonderful. This is going to be quite a hodge-podge of information but here goes!

DJ just finished his first semester of graduate school! One more to go! Deciding to send DJ to grad school was such a great decision that has lead to some incredible blessings. It hasn't been easy, though. He had to quit his job to make time for his academic responsibilities and that put a lot of pressure on our finances. We've skimmed by, but it has been tight! I try to keep telling myself that we will never be poorer than we are right now! Ha! Something to look forward to :) Deej has excelled at his school work and has worked SO hard to pull off his great grades. I'm so proud of him!

We've made the decision to send me back to school next semester. Honestly, I am so excited. I think I really needed the break that I took the last four months. I was feeling pretty burnt out and taking a semester off has re-vamped my enthusiasm for getting an education. I'm also set on what I would like to major in (Family and Human Development) and I LOVE IT. Such a fun degree that I feel will really benefit our future family. Even though life will be crazy with both of us in school and working, I am anxious to begin learning again!

I'm currently finishing up my last week of work as Samantha's nanny. I've been with her for a year now, since she was 6 weeks old. It's a bittersweet feeling, moving on and going back to school next semester. I love my little Lovebug! The past year of my life I've spent raising her and loving her and I think I will really struggle not seeing her every day. 

My little Etsy shop is taking off! We have made a decent amount of money this year and the supplemental income has been such a blessing. I am able to work on orders while Samantha naps which sure beats sitting and watching TV while she sleeps. I love creating new things and sharing them with others all over the country. We're hoping and praying that the increase of sales continues into the new year.

Well, we are continuing to be treated for our miscarriages. I'll post an update on that chain of events later today. 

Life is good. We are looking forward to having some time off for the holidays. What a wonderful time of year it is! It has always been easy for me to recognize the blessings in my life at this time of year and as difficult as the past year has been, I wouldn't trade it for the world. Looking forward to the greatness that 2014 has in store for us! 

One Year.

Yesterday marked one year since the loss of our first pregnancy.

While the fierce, raw pain of a miscarriage isn't something I would wish on the worst person in the world, DJ and I have learned so much from our experiences. Last night we sat together and enjoyed a Jello cup and talked about how this experience has changed us, both as individuals and as a couple.

I am softer, more able to empathize with others as they face their own heartbreaks and struggles.
I've always considered myself to be a good listener. However, our experience with loss has helped me to be a good feeler. I am able to feel with others as they are traversing their trials. I have had many beautiful people feel my pain with me and those individuals have taught me how important it is to feel with others in their times of need.

DJ has learned how to truly be understanding.

As we spoke last night DJ recounted how, with the first miscarriage, he literally had NO idea what I was going through, both physically and emotionally. We hit a few rough spots because I was suffering and he was unaware of the pain I truly was in. He is a different man today. I will send him a text telling him that I am having a rough time and he will reply saying, "I'm so sorry that you're not feeling well, is there anything I can do for you?" He is kinder, more empathetic, loving. 

I have a greater respect for life and how fragile it really is.

Each new day is a blessing. Prior to our trials, I feel that I took many of those blessed new days for granted. While I still slip up at times, I try to approach each day with an attitude of gratitude. I try to make the most of each new day and live up to my full potential. After all, who really knows how many days we have left?

We have found that there is great happiness in putting each other before our own selves. 

DJ and I have learned that within a marriage, it is all too easy to fall into a mindset of "I need..." or "I want..." However, our burdens are lightened when we instead ask one another, "What do you need? What can I do for you? What do you want?" By putting each other first, we are meeting one another's needs and having our own needs met simultaneously in a caring, respectful, loving manner. 

We have learned that happiness is a choice that each of us gets to make.

One of the most difficult trials that I have faced as a result of our losses is choosing to keep myself from drowning in a dark, depressing place. It's an ongoing battle, and I admit that there have been times when I have dipped a toe or two into that murky water. It's a lot easier to sink to that dark depth than it is to fight to stay afloat, but the fight has strengthened me. It has strengthened my husband. It has strengthened our relationship with one another. It has strengthened our relationship with God. By choosing to be happy despite the pain and heartbreak, we have both grown in ways that we could never have imagined. 

We have learned that God is aware of us, that He loves us, and that He has a plan.

We are taught to map out our lives. "After graduation I will go to college...I will get a degree in...After I have a college degree, I will...By the time I am thirty..." It's not bad to have a plan. In fact, it's encouraged. However, we have to remember that God is in charge and His plan trumps all. Regardless of our own plans for ourselves, He has control and will point us in the direction that we should go. I remember wondering why in the world I had to go through the pain and loss of a miscarriage, and what good could possibly come from such an awful experience. I was beginning to find my answers, and then we lost Baby #2. 

"Why? Why me? What did I do to deserve this?" Questions that I have been tempted to ask a time or two, and maybe have. But the Lord always responds in His soft, gentle, peaceful way that He loves me and that He knows that I am hurting. It is difficult for Him to see me in pain, but He must let me suffer because He knows that there are things I need to learn from my trials. He has a plan, and great blessings are in store for me and DJ. Hope, have faith, and press onward. 

"Wherefore, ye must press forward with a steadfastness in Christ, having a perfect brightness of hope, and a love of God and of all men. Wherefore, if ye shall press forward, feasting upon the word of Christ, and endure to the end, behold, thus saith the Father: Ye shall have eternal life."

While the past year has been far from smooth-sailing, I am grateful for all that we have been through. We have truly felt the hand of the Lord shaping us, making us stronger, making us better. I know that we have many spirit children waiting to come to this earth through our love, and I look forward to the day when we finally, finally get to meet them. 

The Journey is Important.

A great weakness of mine is struggling to enjoy the present.

It's not that I don't appreciate the things that I have and the life that I live. I am very blessed, and I recognize that those blessings come from the Lord.

But I often find myself yearning for the things that the future has in store for me. I know that there are great things ahead, and on difficult days, I tend to get lost aching for those things that I have yet to achieve.

It's almost like a coping mechanism for me.

I think thoughts such as,

"This week has been really hard so far, if I can just make it to the weekend..."

or 

"One more year of school for DJ and then we won't struggle so much anymore..."

I get caught up in this way of thinking, and before I know it I have reached my destination, but have completely missed the journey there.

And I am learning that the journey is important.

Sweet, sweet DJ and I had a heart-to-heart about this weakness of mine the other evening. He kindly (but bluntly) pointed out that my life was passing me by and I was missing out on valuable opportunities to learn and grow. At first I was stubborn and argued that aiming for the future is a good thing. My loving husband pointed out that while it is a good thing, it can (and does) cause me to stress and be impatient and anxious. DJ taught me that every day is a gift, and should be treated as such. I realized that he is right, and I am grateful that he was prompted to intervene and to help me find peace and happiness.

I walked away feelings refreshed and renewed, with a strong resolve to work towards the future but enjoy each day for all that it is worth.

Since our little talk, and through speaking with the Lord and asking for assistance and patience, I have felt a wonderful sense of peace enter my life. While I still have my goals and aspirations, I feel like my life has slowed down and my eyes have been opened. I spend less time worrying about when x,y, or z will happen and by doing so, I have slowly been able to recognize those daily opportunities for growth and instruction.

I am more able to find happiness in the little things. 

I am more able to express love to my family.

I am more patient.

I am more in tune with the Holy Spirit.

I am still learning, and I think that it will be a process to find a balance between aspiring for goals and enjoying the present. I am grateful that DJ took notice of my stress and impatience and that he lovingly has directed me down the path to overcoming this weakness of mine and living a more fulfilling life.

The destination is wonderful, but the journey is important.

It Begins.

It's that time of year again.

The end of summer.

August.

School.

As I mentioned in a previous post, I am taking the year off.

DJ, however, dives into his first quarter of graduate school on Thursday.

Bless his heart!

On Saturday, after our eventful evening at the hospital the night before, we decided to go out to dinner to mourn celebrate the beginning of a brand new school year.

We talked about DJ's goals for the year and how we can work together to achieve them.

College is hard.

Graduate school is harder.

DJ will do great, and I am so proud of him for making the choice to further his education for the benefit of our family.

Summer Reads.

Now that summer school is over, I have a little bit more time to do one of my favorite things in the entire world: READ!

I grew up with my nose in a book, and since starting college, I have had little time to read anything other than textbooks - gross. Now that I finally have time to read for pleasure, I have a huge list of books that I am super excited about! Warning: I am a lover of teen and young adult literature and I don't care who knows it.

Here are a few of my most recent reads:

Not a teen/young adult book, but it was quite a thriller! I love Dan Brown's works, and this one didn't disappoint. He did a great job of incorporating the history into the book without making the reader feel confused. I have never read Dante's Inferno, but I did not feel like I was missing pieces of the story. Well written, with lots of twists and turns to keep you entertained!

This book has been made into a movie, which I haven't seen, but I hope it's better than the book was. The concept that the book is based on is fascinating and exciting, but I did not think the book was well written. I tend to be super picky about the wording and formatting of a book, so I am aware that I am extra critical, but for me, my enjoyment of the awesome story line was hindered by the lack of maturity in the writing.

This next book was amazing. It reminded me quite a bit of the Hunger Games, but with a lot of unexplained aspects that require the reader to dig to uncover as the story progresses. Very well written and absolutely intriguing. 

This is the sequel to The Maze Runner but I was not as impressed as I was with the first book in the series. It is well written, but the story line was redundant and never really answered any questions that I had. I suppose the author did this on purpose to keep readers interested and motivated to read the final book in the series, but I found the lack of information irritating. I have yet to read the final book in the series, and if I don't get my answers I might flip my lid.

I re-read this book because the movie is coming out in a few months. Even having read this previously, I couldn't put the thing down. Suzanne Collins is a literary genius. Geez.

Go read this book. Seriously, who cares what I have to say about it. It's incredible and fascinating and thrilling and all things a book should be. Couldn't put it down.

The sequel to Divergent and just as good. I don't have a bad thing to say about either of these! The third book in the series comes out in October and my heart skips a beat every time I think about reading the final chapter in the trilogy. Amazing story line, it makes you think and question things. Definitely on my Favorite Reads list. 

Hahaha yep I read this. In like a day. And it was surprisingly informative. I would recommend it to anyone who has an interest in their gynecologic health, it has helped me to sort through some bodily issues I've been having. Again, hahahaha.

I love that books teach and entertain at the same time. I've always been a reader, and I always will be. My current goal is to build up my book library. Digital books are super convenient, but nothing beats the feel and smell of brand new, never-before-turned pages. 

What's your favorite book?

Happy Reading!