Changes // Part One

As mentioned earlier, so much has been going on. We've been running around like chickens without heads! But it's been an adventure :)

First, an update on our ongoing journey to becoming Mom and Dad.

I've been struggling to even talk about this since our false positive. That was the hardest thing I've had to deal with in a while, and it hasn't gotten much better since. But I finally think that it would be helpful to get things out. 

Our next cycle we talked with our fertility specialists and decided to adjust our medications. They increased our Follistim injections from 4 injections every other day to 6 consecutive injections, hoping to produce more than one measly follicle. So we did the increased injections, coupled with the usual Femara and Metformin. Day 10 of my cycle we went to the office for an ultrasound to check my follicles and the change in medication DEFINITELY worked - instead of one follicle, I had SEVEN. 

The nurses were shocked and consulted with the doctor, who advised against proceeding with this cycle. We had a 75% chance of twins, a 20% chance of triplets, and a 6% chance of 4 or more. Of course the decision to cancel the cycle or move forward was up to us, but we had to decide within the next 24 hours. 

HOLY COW, this was the hardest decision we have ever made. We had to consider the pros and cons of moving forward. We were so excited about the idea of getting pregnant and the fact that we most likely would conceive with this cycle. But then there was the terror of having 4 or 5 or 7 babies all at once and the risks that that poses to my health, but more importantly, the health of our babies. We seriously went back and forth, speaking with nurses, parents, friends, gathering different facts, perspectives, opinions. It was SO OVERWHELMING. The time limit didn't help either. I've never felt more conflicted in my life. Finally by the end of the night DJ and I decided that we were going to go for it. We were just going to move forward and come what may.

We felt good after making our decision. Or so I thought. A few hours after we settled on proceeding, I could NOT fall asleep. I was uneasy, nauseous, and felt so conflicted. I knew that we were not supposed to proceed with this cycle. I could not, in good conscious, toy with the fates and the lives of any children that we may have conceived, and choose to move forward just because I am so desperate to be a mom. I don't think I could live with myself if I chose to go forward for my own selfish reasons and ended up with severely handicapped children as a result. So, I made the hardest call of my life, and chose to cancel our cycle.

SO no babies, no pregnancy, and eeeeeevil cramps. FINALLY the whole ordeal passed and it was time to start our next cycle.I was finally looking forward to a new, fresh start and I was more than ready to put a really really tough month behind me. At the beginning of every cycle they do an ultrasound to check for cysts (which is a common side effect of the Follistim injections). During my ultrasound they - of course - found a cyst. It was a big one too! Just my luck. After a cancelled cycle, we had to take ANOTHER month off of trying to conceive in order to treat the cyst. Two months lost. And lots of pregnancy announcements from friends and family in between. It was a crazy emotional roller coaster.

Finally the cyst was gone and we began our current cycle. They decreased the medication - that's what they thought caused so many follicles - and we moved forward. Well my Day 10 ultrasound came along and again, just one follicle. I can't even tell you how disappointed we were. Not only was there just one follicle but it appeared to have already burst (meaning that I had ovulated earlier than anticipated). So once again, no pregnancy this month.

We are meeting with the main doctor tomorrow (usually we just consult with his staff) to try and come up with a new game plan. What we are doing currently is just not working and things need to be adjusted. We should be pregnant by now, but we are not. Luckily we just learned that we have insurance coverage for fertility and we can move forward with all of the super expensive procedures that we have been putting off...ya know, because we are poorer than dirt. What a blessing that is! For the first time in months I am finally feeling hopeful and excited again. Looking forward to all that is ahead!

Recently.

This is going to be quite the catch-all post, as lots has been going on and I haven't blogged in ages. 

We had a wonderful, albeit small, Christmas this year. Money was super tight but thanks to our sweet peoples we were able to go out and purchase a few small things for one another. Not having much helped me to focus on the true meaning of Christmas, our Savior, and to enjoy the time spent with family. 

On the 23rd we got to stay up super late and Skype with my sister in law who is currently on a mission in the Philippines! It was so good to see her cute face! We miss her so much but she is doing great things over on the other side of the world!

A few days after Christmas we took my family and their friends up to the cabin for the weekend. It was a blast! The family that came with my parents was actually one of DJ's professors this past fall semester. He and his wife are in my parent's ward! They have four small kids + Brandon and Ella = a super fun kid-filled weekend! The littles wanted to go to the snow (and there wasn't much) but we found a lake on top of the Rim that was frozen over with snow on the banks. Again, not much snow but the kiddos didn't care! They loved it! 

Benny was super confused by the snow, especially when the kids would throw it on top of him. I think he had fun though :)

I finished up my job as a nanny to Samantha. I'm so heartbroken that I can't continue caring for her! However, I'm super excited to be going back to school this semester. I only have about a year of school remaining and I'm SO thrilled to be working towards that goal once again. 

DJ just started his final semester of college EVER. He'll be done with his Master's in May!! We (mostly him haha) are super excited for this stage of his life to be over with. On to bigger and better things!!

We completed another round of fertility treatments. I had to have DJ give me an injection in the stomach every other day for a week and a half and it bruised pretty bad, which was nasty, coupled with all of the other wonderful medications. During our two week wait until we found out if we were pregnant I started to have a lot of symptoms of pregnancy (I've been pregnant three times, I have an idea what it feels like) and was SO sure that we were going to have a baby. I took a test and it was POSITIVE! YAY! We were so excited, told our parents and siblings and then found out later that it was a false positive due to a hormone left in my system from one of the injections. 

We are super bummed. We're SOOOO ready to start a family. DJ, who has been super tough throughout all of this, told me the other day that he is aching to have a baby. This just broke my heart. It's super hard having gone through what we have. I try to stay positive, but sometimes I feel like a failure for having a body that responded in such a manner the last three times that we were expecting. I should be able to do this, this is what God made me to do! It's unbelievably discouraging to see others get pregnant and have children without a care in the world while we are here: stuck, on a million nasty medications that I'd much rather NOT have in my body, waiting, hoping and praying that we will be able to get pregnant and then once we are pregnant to worry constantly about whether or not we will keep the baby. It's been a extremely difficult and still is, knowing that we will probably never have a child without medical intervention. 

On a lighter note, I am incredibly thankful that the medical knowledge to help us begin a family exists. Because we couldn't do it on our own. Making the decision to see a specialist was the best thing we've done in a long while. It has brought so much hope, peace, and happiness throughout all of the despair, confusion and fog that we have had to travel through.

Even though we have yet to be successful with our treatments there are happy, hopeful things happening all along the way. Like the fact that we were accepted into a program that allows us to get 75% off our unbelievably expensive medications. Or realizing just how awesome my dad is for working so hard to provide insurance for our family that covers so many of my expenses. Or the fact that we have a 50% chance of conceiving twins! :) There's light a midst the darkness and as we continue to progress we are learning more and more that God has a specific plan in mind for us and traversing this darkness is part of it. He wants us to work to see that light. He knows that we will learn important things from this trial. The Lord knows that finding joy in the journey is a vital lesson that DJ and I need to learn. 

We're looking for that joy.

And we're slowly, but surely, finding it. 

Update.

I realize it has been quite some time since actually writing a post with real, substantial content. Lots has been going on and life has been so crazy busy and wonderful. This is going to be quite a hodge-podge of information but here goes!

DJ just finished his first semester of graduate school! One more to go! Deciding to send DJ to grad school was such a great decision that has lead to some incredible blessings. It hasn't been easy, though. He had to quit his job to make time for his academic responsibilities and that put a lot of pressure on our finances. We've skimmed by, but it has been tight! I try to keep telling myself that we will never be poorer than we are right now! Ha! Something to look forward to :) Deej has excelled at his school work and has worked SO hard to pull off his great grades. I'm so proud of him!

We've made the decision to send me back to school next semester. Honestly, I am so excited. I think I really needed the break that I took the last four months. I was feeling pretty burnt out and taking a semester off has re-vamped my enthusiasm for getting an education. I'm also set on what I would like to major in (Family and Human Development) and I LOVE IT. Such a fun degree that I feel will really benefit our future family. Even though life will be crazy with both of us in school and working, I am anxious to begin learning again!

I'm currently finishing up my last week of work as Samantha's nanny. I've been with her for a year now, since she was 6 weeks old. It's a bittersweet feeling, moving on and going back to school next semester. I love my little Lovebug! The past year of my life I've spent raising her and loving her and I think I will really struggle not seeing her every day. 

My little Etsy shop is taking off! We have made a decent amount of money this year and the supplemental income has been such a blessing. I am able to work on orders while Samantha naps which sure beats sitting and watching TV while she sleeps. I love creating new things and sharing them with others all over the country. We're hoping and praying that the increase of sales continues into the new year.

Well, we are continuing to be treated for our miscarriages. I'll post an update on that chain of events later today. 

Life is good. We are looking forward to having some time off for the holidays. What a wonderful time of year it is! It has always been easy for me to recognize the blessings in my life at this time of year and as difficult as the past year has been, I wouldn't trade it for the world. Looking forward to the greatness that 2014 has in store for us! 

Monday.

Happy Monday.

Today I woke up feeling pretty good, which doesn't usually happen on Mondays.

I even did my hair and makeup for the occasion. 

I'm grateful that I'm feeling good today, and I am excited for a fulfilling and productive Monday!

Here's a short update on Haley's Happenings:

Last Thursday, we went and watched Brandon and Ella compete in the City of Mesa swim meet. They both did a great job, and I'm so glad to be their big sister!

I love these goonies.

On Saturday, DJ and I went and helped one of the family's good friends, Dee, and her three daughters into their new house. We were supposed to meet at 10:00 to begin helping, and when DJ woke me up at 9:45 I considered staying in bed for another hour or so and then joining up with the rest of the crew. But then I thought about all of the crap that my family would give me if I did that, and rolled my lazy butt out of bed. 

Nothing quite like the fear of endless grief to motivate a girl.

And now today I am back at work, doing my thing. 

It's a Monday, and it's a good day.

MIA.

I assure you, I am well aware that I have been missing in action for the past week and a half. 

Crazy stuff has been happening. 

But things are finally slowing down, and I'll have an update coming soon.

Peace, love, and everything happy.