Recently.

This is going to be quite the catch-all post, as lots has been going on and I haven't blogged in ages. 

We had a wonderful, albeit small, Christmas this year. Money was super tight but thanks to our sweet peoples we were able to go out and purchase a few small things for one another. Not having much helped me to focus on the true meaning of Christmas, our Savior, and to enjoy the time spent with family. 

On the 23rd we got to stay up super late and Skype with my sister in law who is currently on a mission in the Philippines! It was so good to see her cute face! We miss her so much but she is doing great things over on the other side of the world!

A few days after Christmas we took my family and their friends up to the cabin for the weekend. It was a blast! The family that came with my parents was actually one of DJ's professors this past fall semester. He and his wife are in my parent's ward! They have four small kids + Brandon and Ella = a super fun kid-filled weekend! The littles wanted to go to the snow (and there wasn't much) but we found a lake on top of the Rim that was frozen over with snow on the banks. Again, not much snow but the kiddos didn't care! They loved it! 

Benny was super confused by the snow, especially when the kids would throw it on top of him. I think he had fun though :)

I finished up my job as a nanny to Samantha. I'm so heartbroken that I can't continue caring for her! However, I'm super excited to be going back to school this semester. I only have about a year of school remaining and I'm SO thrilled to be working towards that goal once again. 

DJ just started his final semester of college EVER. He'll be done with his Master's in May!! We (mostly him haha) are super excited for this stage of his life to be over with. On to bigger and better things!!

We completed another round of fertility treatments. I had to have DJ give me an injection in the stomach every other day for a week and a half and it bruised pretty bad, which was nasty, coupled with all of the other wonderful medications. During our two week wait until we found out if we were pregnant I started to have a lot of symptoms of pregnancy (I've been pregnant three times, I have an idea what it feels like) and was SO sure that we were going to have a baby. I took a test and it was POSITIVE! YAY! We were so excited, told our parents and siblings and then found out later that it was a false positive due to a hormone left in my system from one of the injections. 

We are super bummed. We're SOOOO ready to start a family. DJ, who has been super tough throughout all of this, told me the other day that he is aching to have a baby. This just broke my heart. It's super hard having gone through what we have. I try to stay positive, but sometimes I feel like a failure for having a body that responded in such a manner the last three times that we were expecting. I should be able to do this, this is what God made me to do! It's unbelievably discouraging to see others get pregnant and have children without a care in the world while we are here: stuck, on a million nasty medications that I'd much rather NOT have in my body, waiting, hoping and praying that we will be able to get pregnant and then once we are pregnant to worry constantly about whether or not we will keep the baby. It's been a extremely difficult and still is, knowing that we will probably never have a child without medical intervention. 

On a lighter note, I am incredibly thankful that the medical knowledge to help us begin a family exists. Because we couldn't do it on our own. Making the decision to see a specialist was the best thing we've done in a long while. It has brought so much hope, peace, and happiness throughout all of the despair, confusion and fog that we have had to travel through.

Even though we have yet to be successful with our treatments there are happy, hopeful things happening all along the way. Like the fact that we were accepted into a program that allows us to get 75% off our unbelievably expensive medications. Or realizing just how awesome my dad is for working so hard to provide insurance for our family that covers so many of my expenses. Or the fact that we have a 50% chance of conceiving twins! :) There's light a midst the darkness and as we continue to progress we are learning more and more that God has a specific plan in mind for us and traversing this darkness is part of it. He wants us to work to see that light. He knows that we will learn important things from this trial. The Lord knows that finding joy in the journey is a vital lesson that DJ and I need to learn. 

We're looking for that joy.

And we're slowly, but surely, finding it. 

Some Personal Stuff.

Well, we were unsuccessful with our first round of fertility treatments.

Bummer, yes, but not unexpected. I wasn't surprised. Disappointed, but not surprised.

Treatment has been such a whirlwind. Here's a recap:

- Our very first appointment I was given a giant shot of progesterone in my backside. This caused me to begin a new cycle (I hadn't had one since we lost the babe).

- 14 days after the giant butt shot I went back in to the office and had a LOAD of blood drawn. Funny story: The blood draw had to be done between days 1 and 3 of my cycle due to the nature of the testing that they were doing. I was told to fast prior to my appointment and being raised in the Church, I know fasting to be abstaining from food and water. Well I get to my appointment and the nurse asks if I have been fasting. I said yes and then she asks if I have been drinking water. "Well....no. I've been fasting." Apparently fasting means no food, but lots of water. So they weren't even sure if they would be able to draw the blood that they needed but we decided to try anyways. Thankfully DJ was with me and was able to hold Samantha because things got kind of crazy. The super nice nurse sticks me with the needle and surprisingly blood is coming out but it's THICK AND SLOW. I do not like having blood drawn and today I needed NINE vials of it taken. Let me repeat: THICK AND SLOW. The tech is asking me every 15 seconds or so how I'm feeling and I'm doing just fine up until she takes the needle out. Suddenly I'm going to throw up. Now there's black spots in front of my eyes. I can't see anything. I can't hear anything. I'm going to throw up. I ask if I can sit down on the floor. I'm super hot, take my sweater off. The tile feels nice. My head is spinning. The nurse is shoving a can of Sprite in my face telling me to drink. I can't drink because I'm going to throw up. I ask to go to the bathroom and I manage the 5 steps to the door and then I'm out. The world is spinning so, I kid you not, I lay down on the bathroom floor. HA! SOOO disgusting but the cold tile helped me to snap out of it a bit. Once I realized just how nasty it was laying on the bathroom floor, I left and found my sweet nurse. I ended up having to lay down on one of their exam tables and have my blood pressure taken every 3 minutes. I survived! But holy cow it was quite the blood draw.

- Days 3-7 of my cycle I had to take a drug called Femara that is used to stimulate ovulation. It's equivalent to Clomid, but minus a lot of the nasty side effects that Clomid is famous for. The one side effect that decided to stick around was hot flashes. Those five days that I was on the Femara, I was like a menopausal 21 year old. SO HOT. All of the time.

- Day 10 I went back to the office for an ultrasound to check on my ovaries. One big, mature follicle on my right side and a small one on the left. Good news!

- A few days later DJ had to give me an injection called Ovidrel in the stomach to trigger ovulation. DJ was so excited to give me the shot. I had to take it at 7AM and at 6:45 DJ is geared up and ready to go. "DJ, you have to wash your hands." Runs, washes his hands, comes back. "You have to get the rubbing alcohol to clean the spot where you're going to give me the shot." Speed of light, gets the alcohol, cleans me up. I can't even tell you how creepy he was about the shot. He loved it hahaha.

- Timed intercourse, progesterone suppository, and then a blood draw two weeks later to see if we were successful.

As I already mentioned, we weren't. I took a home pregnancy test two days before my appointment and it was negative. I was super disappointed, as was DJ, but we move forward! That's what we do.

We were fortunate in that we were able to visit with the Dr. the same day that I had the blood test. Which means that we got the results from all of the blood testing!

Turns out I have a hormone imbalance and hypoglycemia, both of which are associated with recurrent miscarriage. Both of which have easy fixes. I was put on a drug called Metformin for the hypoglycemia and we added an injectable regiment with a drug called Follistim to help balance the hormones. Because we know that we are able to conceive, the Follistim gives us a 35-40% chance of conceiving multiples which is kind of scary/exciting. The plan is to repeat last month's procedures (Femara, Ovidrel, TIC, progesterone) plus the Metformin and Follistim shots and see what happens! Woo!

As I said, quite a whirlwind, but I trust that this is what is going to make us parents. So bring on the hot flashes, blood draws, terrifying shots from my husband, and crazy hormones. Make me a momma.

Hope.

After this past miscarriage, DJ and I began to recognize that getting pregnant and maintaining a healthy pregnancy is not something that we are likely to accomplish on our own. This realization along with a few other occurrences, including an amazing Priesthood blessing, led us to the decision to go meet with a fertility specialist.

We received many recommendations for wonderful specialists in the area and after much research and many prayers we selected a doctor who is nationally recognized and has been in the business for over 15 years.

We COULD NOT be happier with our decision.

Going in to the appointment, I was a bundle of nerves. I have unfortunately gotten used to disappointing news when it comes to our ability to start a family, so even though I knew that visiting the specialist is what we needed to do I was still preparing myself for harsh disappointment. I'm not sure exactly what I was expecting, but as we met with the doctor all of my fears and reservations were put at ease. 

The doctor discussed our issues in detail with us. Every possible issue that could be causing our miscarriages was met with:

"I have a solution for that."

"Easy fix."

"We can take care of that." 

Not a single potential cause lacked a solution. I was ready to shed tears of joy right there in the consult room. 

I kept it together and they began our treatment plan with us right there that very first day. We are moving forward and I am confident that this is the path that the Lord intended us to take. Treatment is expensive and painful and wears my body out, but it is more than worth it. I am absolutely willing to make whatever sacrifices are necessary to begin our family successfully. Because where there was darkness a light is beginning to shine. We have hope again. 

Birthday #21.

My 21st birthday was a few weeks ago.

Honestly it was an awful birthday! I was still in the process of having a miscarriage. So that was hard to manage, emotionally and physically.

However, the next weekend we went out to dinner at Red Robin with a whole bunch of wonderful people and that was a blast! 

Another year older and wiser, too. 

I think about where I was at this time last year. 

I was still reeling from a miscarriage that had taken place about 2 months earlier (our first), constantly sick with grief, unemployed due to said sickness, NOT dealing with our loss well and in a really really dark place. I don't know if I would peg it as depression but it still wasn't a fun place to be. Not to toot my own horn, but I feel like I truly have grown so much in the past year. 

I've learned that I am in control of my life. Nothing, not even despair, sorrow, or grief, can run my life unless

I allow it to. I've learned to be a better wife - my relationship with my DJ is better than it's ever been. I've learned to listen to others and sympathize with them in their times of need.

I've learned that the Atonement of Jesus Christ doesn't just apply to sins but also to sorrows. I've learned that my Savior felt all of the pain that I have ever felt or ever will feel and that by relying on Him, my burdens can be made light. 

Although it has probably been the most difficult year of my entire life, I am thankful for the struggles that I have faced. I can see how they have molded me into a better, stronger woman than I was a year ago. 

I can't wait to see what this next year has in store for me!

Three.

Well it's been two and a half weeks and I am finally feeling well enough to write about this past month's happenings. 

Our third pregnancy has come to an end.

7 weeks 2 days.

We had been trying for a few months before we found out that we were once again pregnant. Our first positive test was SO faint that I almost didn't believe it. I probably took 10 tests over the next week and a half just to be sure that that little pink line was still there. It was, I was pregnant with what we expected to be our miracle baby.

Because of our history with miscarriages, our doctor had put me on a progesterone/hormone supplement with the intent to help the baby stay in the uterus. This medicine is eeeevil. I'm typically pretty stable (hormonally speaking) but the progesterone had me all over the place. It was a serious struggle to keep my head on straight, and I know that I probably drove Mr. DJ crazy. But he was as patient as ever and he recognized that the suffering that I was going through was SO worth it.

Again because of our failed pregnancies, the doctor had me come in for our first ultrasound at 6 weeks instead of the usual 10. The anxiety I felt over this appointment is hard to put into words. On one hand, I wanted to think positively and tell myself that everything was going to be fine and that the baby would be healthy, but at the same time I felt the need to mentally and emotionally prepare myself for the worst. I'm a big believer in the power of positive thinking, but it was so hard. SO hard. 

I got to the doctor's office before DJ (he was coming straight from a job interview in Tempe) and ended up going in for the ultrasound on my own. I let the tech know how nervous I was for this ultrasound and she was so sensitive and understanding. She began, and I was on the lookout for a heartbeat. As soon as she zeroed in on the fetus, my heart dropped. There was an embryonic sac, but no heartbeat. 

No heartbeat.

I was 6 weeks 5 days along, but my baby only measured 4 weeks 6 days. A whole 13 days smaller than what we anticipated.

The tech was incredibly sweet and calmly explained that there was a chance that the baby just wasn't as far along as we had calculated. She also warned me that if not a miscalculation, I would lose the baby.

The plan was to draw blood to test for my hcg levels and then draw again 2 days later (the levels are supposed to double every 48 hours or so). If the levels doubled, then the baby was likely healthy and developing just fine. If not, well, yeah. 

So they drew blood and I had to go home and face the facts. I was terrified. I was heartbroken. I was devastated. I was hopeful. I was so, so worried. We got the results of the first draw the next day and to my surprise the hcg levels were about where they should be for a 5 week old baby. Hope increased a bit. All we needed now was the results of the second blood draw to be double the first. 

My second draw was on a Friday, so we would have to wait until Monday to receive the results. This weekend was an extremely emotional and difficult time. Thankfully, it was General Conference weekend and even though DJ and I both had a hard time keeping our minds focused and away from worrying, we felt great comfort in listening to the Lord's teachings through His disciples.

The game plan was to wait for Monday's results and then schedule the necessary procedures should we get bad news. Well, my body had other plans and I began bleeding Sunday evening. 

Having a miscarriage is horrible, but having to pass the baby naturally is one of the most heartbreaking, terrifying, awful things I have ever experienced. Excruciating pain coupled with grief and devastation had me in bed, bleeding, for an entire week. For a whole 5 days I ceased to function. My poor husband was in the middle of his finals week at ASU and struggled immensely to stay focused on his work (sidenote: his is a superhero and passed both of his exams with higher scores than the class average - woot woot!). It was a rough week for the both of us.

Thankfully there were no complications with the miscarriage and my body recovered quickly. Things have finally settled down a bit and we are healing. The pain and heartbreak we feel is unimaginable, but we know that we have to move forward. We have to. If we don't move forward, I know that I am weak and that I will allow the misery and grief to overwhelm me and drag me down. And while at times I want to wallow in that despair, I know that if I do, I may not make it out. 

So onward and upward. Faith. Hope. Healing. Onward and upward. 

One Year.

Yesterday marked one year since the loss of our first pregnancy.

While the fierce, raw pain of a miscarriage isn't something I would wish on the worst person in the world, DJ and I have learned so much from our experiences. Last night we sat together and enjoyed a Jello cup and talked about how this experience has changed us, both as individuals and as a couple.

I am softer, more able to empathize with others as they face their own heartbreaks and struggles.
I've always considered myself to be a good listener. However, our experience with loss has helped me to be a good feeler. I am able to feel with others as they are traversing their trials. I have had many beautiful people feel my pain with me and those individuals have taught me how important it is to feel with others in their times of need.

DJ has learned how to truly be understanding.

As we spoke last night DJ recounted how, with the first miscarriage, he literally had NO idea what I was going through, both physically and emotionally. We hit a few rough spots because I was suffering and he was unaware of the pain I truly was in. He is a different man today. I will send him a text telling him that I am having a rough time and he will reply saying, "I'm so sorry that you're not feeling well, is there anything I can do for you?" He is kinder, more empathetic, loving. 

I have a greater respect for life and how fragile it really is.

Each new day is a blessing. Prior to our trials, I feel that I took many of those blessed new days for granted. While I still slip up at times, I try to approach each day with an attitude of gratitude. I try to make the most of each new day and live up to my full potential. After all, who really knows how many days we have left?

We have found that there is great happiness in putting each other before our own selves. 

DJ and I have learned that within a marriage, it is all too easy to fall into a mindset of "I need..." or "I want..." However, our burdens are lightened when we instead ask one another, "What do you need? What can I do for you? What do you want?" By putting each other first, we are meeting one another's needs and having our own needs met simultaneously in a caring, respectful, loving manner. 

We have learned that happiness is a choice that each of us gets to make.

One of the most difficult trials that I have faced as a result of our losses is choosing to keep myself from drowning in a dark, depressing place. It's an ongoing battle, and I admit that there have been times when I have dipped a toe or two into that murky water. It's a lot easier to sink to that dark depth than it is to fight to stay afloat, but the fight has strengthened me. It has strengthened my husband. It has strengthened our relationship with one another. It has strengthened our relationship with God. By choosing to be happy despite the pain and heartbreak, we have both grown in ways that we could never have imagined. 

We have learned that God is aware of us, that He loves us, and that He has a plan.

We are taught to map out our lives. "After graduation I will go to college...I will get a degree in...After I have a college degree, I will...By the time I am thirty..." It's not bad to have a plan. In fact, it's encouraged. However, we have to remember that God is in charge and His plan trumps all. Regardless of our own plans for ourselves, He has control and will point us in the direction that we should go. I remember wondering why in the world I had to go through the pain and loss of a miscarriage, and what good could possibly come from such an awful experience. I was beginning to find my answers, and then we lost Baby #2. 

"Why? Why me? What did I do to deserve this?" Questions that I have been tempted to ask a time or two, and maybe have. But the Lord always responds in His soft, gentle, peaceful way that He loves me and that He knows that I am hurting. It is difficult for Him to see me in pain, but He must let me suffer because He knows that there are things I need to learn from my trials. He has a plan, and great blessings are in store for me and DJ. Hope, have faith, and press onward. 

"Wherefore, ye must press forward with a steadfastness in Christ, having a perfect brightness of hope, and a love of God and of all men. Wherefore, if ye shall press forward, feasting upon the word of Christ, and endure to the end, behold, thus saith the Father: Ye shall have eternal life."

While the past year has been far from smooth-sailing, I am grateful for all that we have been through. We have truly felt the hand of the Lord shaping us, making us stronger, making us better. I know that we have many spirit children waiting to come to this earth through our love, and I look forward to the day when we finally, finally get to meet them. 

As I Began to Love Myself.

Just a little thought that I know I need to remember. Made a difference in my attitude today.

"As I began to love myself, I freed myself of anything that is no good for my health - food, people, things, situations, and everything that drew me down and away from myself. At first I called this attitude egoism. Today, I know it is love of oneself."

~Charlie Chaplin~

I'm Not Broken.

Here's another TMI update.

On Tuesday, after two and a half months of confusion and mystery, I finally got a positive OPK. Such a tiny little step but what a blessing it is to know that my body is, indeed, functioning normally. 

Can't wait to see what happens next!

Goals.

I believe in bettering oneself.

When I am going through difficult times, or when I am not satisfied with how I feel about my life, I often find myself pondering on the things that I am doing, and what I could do better. I then like to formulate a plan to improve those things that I am dissatisfied with.

I am a goal setter.

Recently, after finding ourselves in a bit of a funk, DJ and I decided that we needed to make some changes in our life. 

First, we set a goal to eat healthier, fresher foods. 

This goal was particularly difficult for me. 

As the wife who does the majority of the cooking, setting a goal to eat out less and cook at home more meant meal planning, grocery shopping, and turning on the stove.

Like I said, difficult.

I set about creating weekly meal and shopping plans, and after about a month of committing myself to my routine, I am proud to say that I am getting used to things. We are eating out only about once a week, usually on the weekends, saving SO much money and reducing waste by shopping every week and only for things that we need, and we are both feeling healthier and happier as we introduce whole, healthy foods into our bodies. 

Our next goal involved keeping a clean home where the Spirit would be welcomed and easily felt. 

Our cleaning routine historically has gone something like this:

Spend 10 hours every Saturday cleaning and scrubbing and doing the laundry and then trash the place throughout the week and do it all over again next Saturday.

It was exhausting and super disappointing to come home to a house that got messier and messier as the week went on. Not to mention the fact that I could rarely go out on Saturdays due to the giant mess that I had to clean. 

DJ and I decided that we would dedicate 10-15 minutes a day to pick up the house. In addition to picking up each day, I have also been trying to do one bigger chore (such as vacuum, dust, scrub the toilet, etc.) and a load of laundry each day to minimize the amount of work that I will have to do on the weekends.

I am still working on getting the bigger chores into a cyclical system, but I seriously cannot BELIEVE how much of a difference a clean home has made. It is SO refreshing to open the front door and see a spotless living room, and then continue on to see that the dishes are done, the bed is made, the laundry is off of the floor. The irritation that was caused by messiness is gone, and because we are dividing the workload and doing a little bit each day, DJ and I have more time to spend with one another and less time to stress over a messy home. We are pretty proud of ourselves for doing such a good job the past two weeks, and I think that because there has been such a drastic change in the atmosphere of our home that we are both very motivated to continue keeping our home peaceful and clean. 

Our next goal has been to exercise weekly. 

DJ has been doing an AWESOME job at this one, going to the gym 3-4 times a week and going on bike rides in the mornings on the days that he doesn't go. 

I, however, have been once in the past month.

I really hate working out and sweating, but I do know that it is supremely important that I exercise on a daily basis. Therefore, I have set a goal that beginning today, I will try my hardest to go to the gym 3 days this week. This morning, I woke up a little bit earlier than usual and packed a bag of gym clothes and DJ and I made a plan to meet at the gym after work. I am trying to be committed and preparing ahead of time always helps keep me from bailing at the last minute. So, we will see how today goes, and I really hope that I can get my lazy bum working out 3 times this week! 

Wish me luck.

Finally (for now - there will be more goal setting in the future, I'm sure of it!) DJ and I have been trying to be more committed to studying our scriptures and praying together every single day. We have always struggled to be consistent with this, and we have felt the blessings of doing so missing from our lives. We decided that we needed to make a greater effort to follow the Lord's counsel, and have started reading and praying each day. Some days we do a really awesome job and read a chapter and then write about our thoughts and feelings, and other days a half hour after going to sleep I have to wake DJ up because we forgot to pray and we hold hands and say the prayer in bed. We are definitely not perfect, but we are feeling a difference. The Spirit is more present than it was and we are able to easily recognize the Lord's hand in our day to day lives. It is such a blessing to be able to read and pray together, and I regret that we haven't been more diligent in the past. I look forward to continuing to grow closer together and to the Lord and seeing the blessings that will manifest in our lives through our dedication.

Goal setting is super important to me. It's a part of my personality, a part of who I am. Some people can better themselves naturally and effortlessly, but I have to look ahead and make a plan to get where I want to be. If I'm not setting goals for myself, I am not progressing. But I am thankful that that is the way I am, because through goal setting I can look back at where I was and see where I am now and easily see the changes I have made. I have big plans for myself, and one step at a time, I will get there. 

Sisters.

Well, as I mentioned, this past week was a wild one. And I'm afraid that it wasn't the "good" sort of wild.

Last Sunday we almost lost my sister.

I didn't find out until Monday morning when my mom called me to tell me that my sister was in the hospital.
I left work as soon as I could, but unfortunately by the time I got back to Mesa, my sister had been moved to a facility that doesn't allow visitors for the first day or so that a patient is there. All I could really do was comfort my family and try to make myself useful. We were able to visit with her the next day, at which time she was stable and doing much better. She stayed in the hospital for 5 days and was released last Friday.

Thankfully my sister is here and well, although the doctors informed us that it was a close call, and that we are lucky. This experience got me thinking about how much I truly need my sister in my life. Sure, we grew up picking on one another (like most siblings do) but ultimately, when it comes down to it, there would be a huge hole in my life if she wasn't here. As I heard the news and then had time to ponder while waiting to hear from the hospital, I realized just how much I regret every mean thing I have ever said or done to hurt her. The guilt was overwhelming. I love my sister, and while our relationship is now SO much better than it was when we were teenagers, living in the same house, in the same bedroom, I look forward to and am so grateful for the many years I have ahead with my sister. I need her to know what a beautiful part of my life she is, and just how much I need her.

Here and Now.

Last night my father-in-law gave me one of the sweetest blessings I have ever received.

I prayed all day long and the night before that I would be prepared for the blessing, and that my heart would be softened and that I would be able to accept whatever was said. I prayed that I would find answers and strength in the words that were spoken.

While the blessing was powerful and filled with the Spirit, it was much different than I expected and I didn't necessarily hear exactly what I was hoping I would hear. But, after falling to my knees and asking the Lord for understanding, I came away with a new resolve to better myself and prepare for the future that is in store for me.

One critical, recurring point in my blessing was that my experiences and trials would be used to bless others.

While I do not fully understand how that will happen, knowing that it will help others creates a greater sense of appreciation for the hardships that I have been through, as well as hope that I will continue to understand and discover the Lord's plan for me. I have complete and total faith that the struggles I have endured and the ones that I have yet to endure will mold me into the person that I am meant to become.

Counsel to enjoy the journey and embrace what is around me now was also a recurrent theme in my blessing.

Which is something that I seriously struggle with. 

Patience does not come easily to me. I constantly am looking forward to the next big thing, the next adventure ahead of me, and I let the here and now slip by. But here and now is a beautiful place to be, and I often find myself looking back and wishing that I had better enjoyed the experiences that have now passed me by.

Through further reflection and counsel with the Lord, I have been inspired to make some changes to better embrace the wonderful life around me.

I will rid my life of the negative, 

the things that are hindering my progress towards becoming the best me I can be.

I will not allow myself to sink to that scary place that lacks happiness, 

even when things get difficult or overwhelming.

I will be more diligent at praying and reading the scriptures daily.

I will fill my days with meaningful activities, and avoid aimless downtime as much as I possibly can.

I will better serve and love those around me.

Each day I will reflect upon the goodness that I discovered around me and 

record my progress as I try to implement these goals into my life.

 I will enjoy the here and now.

I would be ungrateful if I didn't mention how blessed I am to have the power of the Priesthood in my life. I am so thankful for a husband, a father, a father in law, uncles, grandparents, cousins, friends, and countless other righteous men who are worthy to possess the Power of God here on this earth. I am grateful to my Father in Heaven who's Plan of Happiness allows me to be blessed by the Priesthood and witness the miracles that faith can manifest.

Gratitude.

I've been struggling a lot lately.

I hit my knees last night and begged God to help me find happiness in my life.

I'm having a difficult time keeping my mind off of the negative.

My sweet husband and I have been through a lot the past 10 months, and sometimes managing the emotions and the pain can become overwhelming.

I almost feel guilty letting myself think like this because I have been blessed immensely in my life, and the good definitely outweighs the bad. But it can be difficult nevertheless. 

Sometimes when I have felt this way in the past, knowing that my life is filled with so much good, but continuing to feel despair, I have found it helpful to think of all the things that I am grateful for. 

There are so many things, it would be impossible to list them all, but there are a few things that stand out in my mind as exceptional blessings in my life.

First, my sweet husband. He is my rock, my foundation.

 On our first date, we climbed up onto the roof of his house and he sang and played his guitar for me under the stars. I remember watching him and a voice in my head said to me, 

"You're going to marry him."

What?! This is only our first date! 

Yet here we are, almost two years later, so in love and happily married. 

He keeps me on track. When my path gets too difficult to walk alone, he holds my hand and guides me along. Sometimes I'm pretty sure he even has to drag me.

But he doesn't quit or let me falter, despite my protests and complaints. And I can be pretty dang good at complaining. He never gives up on me. 

I'm so grateful for my Father in Heaven for bringing me and DJ together. 

I'm unbelievably grateful for my Savior, who suffered at no fault of his, to allow me to turn to Him when I am feeling down. He knows what I am going through right now, He has felt my pain. 

What a beautiful plan God has, to allow His only Son to feel my pains so that I can find peace and comfort in my times of need. I honestly cannot think of a greater blessing.

Blood.

Look at us. Just Look.

We are perfect for each other, no?

Unbelievably compatible, in every way but one.

Blood.

Yes. Our blood is not compatible.

Hence our struggles with pregnancy and miscarriage.

Here's the deal:

DJ's blood type is RH positive, very common, very normal.

My blood type, however, is not so common. It is RH negative. 

Only 15% of people in the world are RH negative, and I happen to be one of them.

How cool.

What does it mean to be Rh negative?

"Women who are RH negative tend to have an immune system reaction when RH positive blood is introduced into their system. This basically means that the RH negative person's body recognizes the RH positive blood as an invader. If an RH negative woman is pregnant, there is a chance that the baby she is carrying is RH positive. If this is the case, the baby's RH positive blood can enter the mother's bloodstream, which will cause her immune system to learn how to respond to it. The first baby an RH negative mother has is usually okay. However, if the woman becomes pregnant again with a second child, the woman's immune system has learned to destroy RH positive blood, and when the mother's blood enters the baby, it can cause problems. There is a shot, called RhoGam, that will stop the immune system from learning RH positive blood, and therefore prevent her body from attacking the baby in a future pregnancy."

Basically, without the RhoGam, my body treats Baby like an allergic reaction.

We did not know that I was RH negative at the time of our first pregnancy. This miscarriage was a completely natural occurrence, no fault on our part, not caused by the RH negative factor. It happens. BUT because we did not know that I am RH negative, we did not receive a RhoGam shot at the time of "delivery" like I should have. This DID cause problems with the second pregnancy.

Unfortunately we did not learn that my blood is RH negative until the time of my D and C surgery, after Baby 2 passed away. But, I was able to get the RhoGam, which will hopefully result in a successful pregnancy next time around.

I am so grateful for modern technology that allowed doctors to discover this RH problem and develop a solution. DJ and I are hoping and praying that this technology will assist us in bringing our little spirits to us here on Earth. 

Overwhelmed.

Recording our story of miscarriage and loss was one of the hardest things I have ever done. 

And then I felt that it needed to be shared.

Find our story here. 

Multiply that difficulty by infinity, and then add in fear, anxiety, embarrassment, etc., etc., etc.

SO SCARY.

I honestly expected a few (like 10) people to bother taking the time to read my message.

I did not expect my post to have over 650 hits in 24 hours. 

I did not expect the sweet comments, the lovely messages of hope and peace, the positive encouragement.

I did not expect the magnitude of love and support that was sent our way.

I am overwhelmed.

I hoped that some good would come from sharing our story, and I truly feel like we benefited more than anyone else possibly did or ever could. That was not my goal in sharing our story, but  I am so thankful to everyone for reading and sharing and even more so for their kind words.

Thank you.

Angels.

I've spent quite some time debating whether or not I am ready to write about this. 

I do not know if anyone will read this, 

or if they will even care.

But I remember the messages shared with me, ones that were thought to be obscure, ones that lifted me up in my time of need. And I am inspired and encouraged to write, hoping that our story will maybe possibly touch someone's life, as others' messages have touched ours.

August 28, 2012

We lost our baby.

It is difficult to describe how I felt when we realized what was happening. 

It now seems like a blur, a dream, when I think about it. 

All I am sure of is that I was in pain.

Unimaginable pain.

Physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually. 

Just pain.

All of the excitement that I had felt upon realizing we were going to have a baby was halted and replaced with this pain. "Delivering" the baby was physically draining, but the emotional and spiritual pain that accompanied our loss was incredible.

I remember being angry, confused and hurt. I was so angry that it made me physically ill. All I have ever wanted was to be a mother and in a day or two that opportunity was torn from my grasp. I hated everything. I did not want to talk to anyone, I did not want to see anyone. I refused to accept comfort and support. I hated going out, I hated staying in. I hated waking up in the morning, I hated going to sleep. 

I was devastated. 

Why did this have to happen to me?

Why would God allow me to suffer like this?

Why did I have to give my baby back?

So many tears were shed. Sobbing, crying, screaming, moaning.

Complete and utter heartbreak.

While he was heartbroken as well, my poor husband did not understand what I was going through and had a hard time empathizing with my pain. Neither of us realized the effect that losing our baby would have on our relationship, and we struggled for a while. 

Eventually we realized that we weren't enough. We could not carry ourselves through this trial.

 Our faith had been shaken, but we needed it now more than ever before. 

We fell to our knees and asked for understanding, for comfort, for hope.

And it came.

It still hurt to hear friends announce that they were pregnant. 

I still got choked up at the sight of beautiful pregnant women or sweet tiny babies.

But the pain was bearable, and we knew that the Lord was looking out for us and giving us strength.

A few months went by, and we felt like the worst had passed. We were moving forward, with the Lord at our side, looking forward to what the future had in store for us.

And then a miracle happened.

Our rainbow baby was on its way! 

We were pregnant!

The joy DJ and I felt was amazing. We shared that joy with our family and close friends, and we were all looking forward to meeting our little miracle.

I struggled with morning sickness and fatigue for weeks and weeks, but I could not have been happier. 

My dreams were coming true, and all of the discomfort was going to be worth it. 

At 10 weeks we went to see the doctor for the first time. Now, with the previous pregnancy, we never got around to seeing a doctor as the baby passed away before we had the opportunity to do so. We did not know what to expect, but we were ecstatic to be going to meet our baby.

The ultrasound.

"Is that our baby?!"

"Yes it is."

The most amazing thing I had ever experienced, seeing that teeny tiny body inside of mine. 

DJ and I loved each other then more than ever before. 

We were so thrilled and overwhelmed that we did not realize that we couldn't hear a heartbeat.

We were ushered into the doctor's office, where we waited, expecting to hear all about the do's and don't's of pregnancy. We could not believe that we were going to be parents. 

Then the doctor came in.

The baby has no heartbeat.

The baby has no heartbeat.

March 26, 2013, almost 7 months to the day, we lost our second baby.

The tears came, the sorrow, the heartbreak. 

But no anger.

A night and day difference from our previous loss.

This was a huge change for me. DJ was so loving and supportive, we grew closer together rather than further apart. Our loss was great, but we felt the Lord's arms around us, sheltering us from the pain. 

We were blessed with understanding and hope for the future. 

This time around, we let people in. The support of friends and family was overwhelming. From flowers, to dinners, to phone calls and sweet messages, we were blown away by the magnitude of love that was sent our way. Many of the people who reached out to us didn't even realize the impact that their actions had. We realized that God was working behind the scenes for our good, especially at this time. 

While our two little baby angels were in heaven with Him, 

His angels were working here on this earth to bring us strength and comfort.

I think about my babies every single day. 

I yearn for them.

I cry for them.

I miss them.

But I know that I am stronger because of them. There was a time when I could not possibly imagine what good could come out of such an experience as this, but the Lord has opened my eyes, and I now recognize all that my sweet husband and I have learned. 

And I am grateful.