One Year.

Yesterday marked one year since the loss of our first pregnancy.

While the fierce, raw pain of a miscarriage isn't something I would wish on the worst person in the world, DJ and I have learned so much from our experiences. Last night we sat together and enjoyed a Jello cup and talked about how this experience has changed us, both as individuals and as a couple.

I am softer, more able to empathize with others as they face their own heartbreaks and struggles.
I've always considered myself to be a good listener. However, our experience with loss has helped me to be a good feeler. I am able to feel with others as they are traversing their trials. I have had many beautiful people feel my pain with me and those individuals have taught me how important it is to feel with others in their times of need.

DJ has learned how to truly be understanding.

As we spoke last night DJ recounted how, with the first miscarriage, he literally had NO idea what I was going through, both physically and emotionally. We hit a few rough spots because I was suffering and he was unaware of the pain I truly was in. He is a different man today. I will send him a text telling him that I am having a rough time and he will reply saying, "I'm so sorry that you're not feeling well, is there anything I can do for you?" He is kinder, more empathetic, loving. 

I have a greater respect for life and how fragile it really is.

Each new day is a blessing. Prior to our trials, I feel that I took many of those blessed new days for granted. While I still slip up at times, I try to approach each day with an attitude of gratitude. I try to make the most of each new day and live up to my full potential. After all, who really knows how many days we have left?

We have found that there is great happiness in putting each other before our own selves. 

DJ and I have learned that within a marriage, it is all too easy to fall into a mindset of "I need..." or "I want..." However, our burdens are lightened when we instead ask one another, "What do you need? What can I do for you? What do you want?" By putting each other first, we are meeting one another's needs and having our own needs met simultaneously in a caring, respectful, loving manner. 

We have learned that happiness is a choice that each of us gets to make.

One of the most difficult trials that I have faced as a result of our losses is choosing to keep myself from drowning in a dark, depressing place. It's an ongoing battle, and I admit that there have been times when I have dipped a toe or two into that murky water. It's a lot easier to sink to that dark depth than it is to fight to stay afloat, but the fight has strengthened me. It has strengthened my husband. It has strengthened our relationship with one another. It has strengthened our relationship with God. By choosing to be happy despite the pain and heartbreak, we have both grown in ways that we could never have imagined. 

We have learned that God is aware of us, that He loves us, and that He has a plan.

We are taught to map out our lives. "After graduation I will go to college...I will get a degree in...After I have a college degree, I will...By the time I am thirty..." It's not bad to have a plan. In fact, it's encouraged. However, we have to remember that God is in charge and His plan trumps all. Regardless of our own plans for ourselves, He has control and will point us in the direction that we should go. I remember wondering why in the world I had to go through the pain and loss of a miscarriage, and what good could possibly come from such an awful experience. I was beginning to find my answers, and then we lost Baby #2. 

"Why? Why me? What did I do to deserve this?" Questions that I have been tempted to ask a time or two, and maybe have. But the Lord always responds in His soft, gentle, peaceful way that He loves me and that He knows that I am hurting. It is difficult for Him to see me in pain, but He must let me suffer because He knows that there are things I need to learn from my trials. He has a plan, and great blessings are in store for me and DJ. Hope, have faith, and press onward. 

"Wherefore, ye must press forward with a steadfastness in Christ, having a perfect brightness of hope, and a love of God and of all men. Wherefore, if ye shall press forward, feasting upon the word of Christ, and endure to the end, behold, thus saith the Father: Ye shall have eternal life."

While the past year has been far from smooth-sailing, I am grateful for all that we have been through. We have truly felt the hand of the Lord shaping us, making us stronger, making us better. I know that we have many spirit children waiting to come to this earth through our love, and I look forward to the day when we finally, finally get to meet them. 

Gratitude.

I've been struggling a lot lately.

I hit my knees last night and begged God to help me find happiness in my life.

I'm having a difficult time keeping my mind off of the negative.

My sweet husband and I have been through a lot the past 10 months, and sometimes managing the emotions and the pain can become overwhelming.

I almost feel guilty letting myself think like this because I have been blessed immensely in my life, and the good definitely outweighs the bad. But it can be difficult nevertheless. 

Sometimes when I have felt this way in the past, knowing that my life is filled with so much good, but continuing to feel despair, I have found it helpful to think of all the things that I am grateful for. 

There are so many things, it would be impossible to list them all, but there are a few things that stand out in my mind as exceptional blessings in my life.

First, my sweet husband. He is my rock, my foundation.

 On our first date, we climbed up onto the roof of his house and he sang and played his guitar for me under the stars. I remember watching him and a voice in my head said to me, 

"You're going to marry him."

What?! This is only our first date! 

Yet here we are, almost two years later, so in love and happily married. 

He keeps me on track. When my path gets too difficult to walk alone, he holds my hand and guides me along. Sometimes I'm pretty sure he even has to drag me.

But he doesn't quit or let me falter, despite my protests and complaints. And I can be pretty dang good at complaining. He never gives up on me. 

I'm so grateful for my Father in Heaven for bringing me and DJ together. 

I'm unbelievably grateful for my Savior, who suffered at no fault of his, to allow me to turn to Him when I am feeling down. He knows what I am going through right now, He has felt my pain. 

What a beautiful plan God has, to allow His only Son to feel my pains so that I can find peace and comfort in my times of need. I honestly cannot think of a greater blessing.

Heavy.

Disclaimer: This post isn't being written by my normal, generally happy self. 

I just need to vent a little bit.

Today is Friday, and looking back at the week I just had, I think to myself, "I am SO over it."

Yeah, it's been one of those weeks.

I've had a lot on my mind lately, and I am having a difficult time sorting through everything.

I'm in a serious funk.

Since bringing Benny home (whom I absolutely love and adore, don't get me wrong), I haven't gotten much sleep. He is still such a "baby" puppy, and being away from his litter mates has been super duper challenging, for him and for us. Poor baby just cries all night long, every night. The first night we had him he did very well, I think it was because he was absolutely exhausted from the day. The next night, however, he woke up on the hour every single hour from 11PM to 5AM. Literally all night long. DJ was so good and got up with him all but once, but this resulted in my having to sleep on the floor with Benny all night long the following night. Finally, we ended up putting him in another room for the night, but we can still hear him. So I am extremely exhausted.

The most pressing issue on my mind is the matter of trying to have a baby again. We have one more month until we are free and clear, according to doctor's orders. I have ZERO patience here. I just want to get this show on the road! I am ready, but DJ is adamant that we wait until I am cleared by the doctor. I totally know that this is what I need to do, but accepting that is challenging. Patience has never been my strong suit. I really REALLY want to have a baby. But then I am totally conflicted because the thought of getting pregnant again is just about paralyzing. I can't even begin to describe how scared I am that we will lose another baby. I totally believe that being positive and thinking positive thoughts returns positive outcomes, but I can't help but let this scary thought enter my mind every now and then (example: this past week). I am hoping and praying that things will go well with this next pregnancy, and I know that I really really have to think positive. It's just hard.

Well that's the end of my rant. I suppose that helped. I am very very excited for this week to be over, and I know that things will get better. It always gets better.