Recently.

This is going to be quite the catch-all post, as lots has been going on and I haven't blogged in ages. 

We had a wonderful, albeit small, Christmas this year. Money was super tight but thanks to our sweet peoples we were able to go out and purchase a few small things for one another. Not having much helped me to focus on the true meaning of Christmas, our Savior, and to enjoy the time spent with family. 

On the 23rd we got to stay up super late and Skype with my sister in law who is currently on a mission in the Philippines! It was so good to see her cute face! We miss her so much but she is doing great things over on the other side of the world!

A few days after Christmas we took my family and their friends up to the cabin for the weekend. It was a blast! The family that came with my parents was actually one of DJ's professors this past fall semester. He and his wife are in my parent's ward! They have four small kids + Brandon and Ella = a super fun kid-filled weekend! The littles wanted to go to the snow (and there wasn't much) but we found a lake on top of the Rim that was frozen over with snow on the banks. Again, not much snow but the kiddos didn't care! They loved it! 

Benny was super confused by the snow, especially when the kids would throw it on top of him. I think he had fun though :)

I finished up my job as a nanny to Samantha. I'm so heartbroken that I can't continue caring for her! However, I'm super excited to be going back to school this semester. I only have about a year of school remaining and I'm SO thrilled to be working towards that goal once again. 

DJ just started his final semester of college EVER. He'll be done with his Master's in May!! We (mostly him haha) are super excited for this stage of his life to be over with. On to bigger and better things!!

We completed another round of fertility treatments. I had to have DJ give me an injection in the stomach every other day for a week and a half and it bruised pretty bad, which was nasty, coupled with all of the other wonderful medications. During our two week wait until we found out if we were pregnant I started to have a lot of symptoms of pregnancy (I've been pregnant three times, I have an idea what it feels like) and was SO sure that we were going to have a baby. I took a test and it was POSITIVE! YAY! We were so excited, told our parents and siblings and then found out later that it was a false positive due to a hormone left in my system from one of the injections. 

We are super bummed. We're SOOOO ready to start a family. DJ, who has been super tough throughout all of this, told me the other day that he is aching to have a baby. This just broke my heart. It's super hard having gone through what we have. I try to stay positive, but sometimes I feel like a failure for having a body that responded in such a manner the last three times that we were expecting. I should be able to do this, this is what God made me to do! It's unbelievably discouraging to see others get pregnant and have children without a care in the world while we are here: stuck, on a million nasty medications that I'd much rather NOT have in my body, waiting, hoping and praying that we will be able to get pregnant and then once we are pregnant to worry constantly about whether or not we will keep the baby. It's been a extremely difficult and still is, knowing that we will probably never have a child without medical intervention. 

On a lighter note, I am incredibly thankful that the medical knowledge to help us begin a family exists. Because we couldn't do it on our own. Making the decision to see a specialist was the best thing we've done in a long while. It has brought so much hope, peace, and happiness throughout all of the despair, confusion and fog that we have had to travel through.

Even though we have yet to be successful with our treatments there are happy, hopeful things happening all along the way. Like the fact that we were accepted into a program that allows us to get 75% off our unbelievably expensive medications. Or realizing just how awesome my dad is for working so hard to provide insurance for our family that covers so many of my expenses. Or the fact that we have a 50% chance of conceiving twins! :) There's light a midst the darkness and as we continue to progress we are learning more and more that God has a specific plan in mind for us and traversing this darkness is part of it. He wants us to work to see that light. He knows that we will learn important things from this trial. The Lord knows that finding joy in the journey is a vital lesson that DJ and I need to learn. 

We're looking for that joy.

And we're slowly, but surely, finding it. 

Three.

Well it's been two and a half weeks and I am finally feeling well enough to write about this past month's happenings. 

Our third pregnancy has come to an end.

7 weeks 2 days.

We had been trying for a few months before we found out that we were once again pregnant. Our first positive test was SO faint that I almost didn't believe it. I probably took 10 tests over the next week and a half just to be sure that that little pink line was still there. It was, I was pregnant with what we expected to be our miracle baby.

Because of our history with miscarriages, our doctor had put me on a progesterone/hormone supplement with the intent to help the baby stay in the uterus. This medicine is eeeevil. I'm typically pretty stable (hormonally speaking) but the progesterone had me all over the place. It was a serious struggle to keep my head on straight, and I know that I probably drove Mr. DJ crazy. But he was as patient as ever and he recognized that the suffering that I was going through was SO worth it.

Again because of our failed pregnancies, the doctor had me come in for our first ultrasound at 6 weeks instead of the usual 10. The anxiety I felt over this appointment is hard to put into words. On one hand, I wanted to think positively and tell myself that everything was going to be fine and that the baby would be healthy, but at the same time I felt the need to mentally and emotionally prepare myself for the worst. I'm a big believer in the power of positive thinking, but it was so hard. SO hard. 

I got to the doctor's office before DJ (he was coming straight from a job interview in Tempe) and ended up going in for the ultrasound on my own. I let the tech know how nervous I was for this ultrasound and she was so sensitive and understanding. She began, and I was on the lookout for a heartbeat. As soon as she zeroed in on the fetus, my heart dropped. There was an embryonic sac, but no heartbeat. 

No heartbeat.

I was 6 weeks 5 days along, but my baby only measured 4 weeks 6 days. A whole 13 days smaller than what we anticipated.

The tech was incredibly sweet and calmly explained that there was a chance that the baby just wasn't as far along as we had calculated. She also warned me that if not a miscalculation, I would lose the baby.

The plan was to draw blood to test for my hcg levels and then draw again 2 days later (the levels are supposed to double every 48 hours or so). If the levels doubled, then the baby was likely healthy and developing just fine. If not, well, yeah. 

So they drew blood and I had to go home and face the facts. I was terrified. I was heartbroken. I was devastated. I was hopeful. I was so, so worried. We got the results of the first draw the next day and to my surprise the hcg levels were about where they should be for a 5 week old baby. Hope increased a bit. All we needed now was the results of the second blood draw to be double the first. 

My second draw was on a Friday, so we would have to wait until Monday to receive the results. This weekend was an extremely emotional and difficult time. Thankfully, it was General Conference weekend and even though DJ and I both had a hard time keeping our minds focused and away from worrying, we felt great comfort in listening to the Lord's teachings through His disciples.

The game plan was to wait for Monday's results and then schedule the necessary procedures should we get bad news. Well, my body had other plans and I began bleeding Sunday evening. 

Having a miscarriage is horrible, but having to pass the baby naturally is one of the most heartbreaking, terrifying, awful things I have ever experienced. Excruciating pain coupled with grief and devastation had me in bed, bleeding, for an entire week. For a whole 5 days I ceased to function. My poor husband was in the middle of his finals week at ASU and struggled immensely to stay focused on his work (sidenote: his is a superhero and passed both of his exams with higher scores than the class average - woot woot!). It was a rough week for the both of us.

Thankfully there were no complications with the miscarriage and my body recovered quickly. Things have finally settled down a bit and we are healing. The pain and heartbreak we feel is unimaginable, but we know that we have to move forward. We have to. If we don't move forward, I know that I am weak and that I will allow the misery and grief to overwhelm me and drag me down. And while at times I want to wallow in that despair, I know that if I do, I may not make it out. 

So onward and upward. Faith. Hope. Healing. Onward and upward. 

Again.

Well, it is rather unfortunate, but I ended up in the hospital again on Friday night. 

For the third time this year.

I posted this picture with a caption that said, 

"home again, home again, jiggidy jig" 

on Instagram because it seriously is beginning to feel like DJ and I should just move in to the emergency room.

I was having severe pain with my cycle (TMI?) and after talking to a nurse's hotline and DJ's sister who is a nurse, we felt like we should probably go in, just in case. 

Both nurses were concerned that I may have a cyst or even possibly an ectopic pregnancy.

Better to be safe than sorry!

We went in to the ER at 9:30PM and they didn't even get us into a room until 11:00.

I was then poked and prodded and given all sorts of invasive girly tests that were not very fun.

After 6 hours of waiting, we were told that the doctors couldn't find anything wrong.

A relief and a disappointment at the same time.

A relief that my body is not in immediate danger, regardless of the pain suggesting otherwise.

A disappointment because we still don't know what is causing the pain.

Things have resolved themselves a bit over the last few days, and I pray they will keep getting better.

Sort of a scary incident, but we truly are grateful that nothing is seriously wrong. 

Decisions.

I'm facing a few big decisions in regard to school and work, and I always find it helpful to record my thoughts when trying to decide what to do.

First, I have decided not to go to school this upcoming year.

DJ is beginning graduate school next month which is pretty much a full time commitment. I am going to be responsible for providing for our little family during that time, which is hugely stressful for me to even think about. While I make decent money, we still rely on DJ's income to supplement mine. It is going to be a difficult year for us, and I just don't think I can handle trying to succeed in school on top of things. Therefore, the decision to take a year off.

I know, I know, "If you stop now you'll never go back!" 

I feel confident that my determination to get a college degree will pull me through the difficulties that taking time off and re-starting school may present. It has always been a goal of mine to graduate, and not doing so is not an option in my mind. Sure it will be challenging, but like most challenges, the end result will be well worth it.

What to do?

Here and Now.

Last night my father-in-law gave me one of the sweetest blessings I have ever received.

I prayed all day long and the night before that I would be prepared for the blessing, and that my heart would be softened and that I would be able to accept whatever was said. I prayed that I would find answers and strength in the words that were spoken.

While the blessing was powerful and filled with the Spirit, it was much different than I expected and I didn't necessarily hear exactly what I was hoping I would hear. But, after falling to my knees and asking the Lord for understanding, I came away with a new resolve to better myself and prepare for the future that is in store for me.

One critical, recurring point in my blessing was that my experiences and trials would be used to bless others.

While I do not fully understand how that will happen, knowing that it will help others creates a greater sense of appreciation for the hardships that I have been through, as well as hope that I will continue to understand and discover the Lord's plan for me. I have complete and total faith that the struggles I have endured and the ones that I have yet to endure will mold me into the person that I am meant to become.

Counsel to enjoy the journey and embrace what is around me now was also a recurrent theme in my blessing.

Which is something that I seriously struggle with. 

Patience does not come easily to me. I constantly am looking forward to the next big thing, the next adventure ahead of me, and I let the here and now slip by. But here and now is a beautiful place to be, and I often find myself looking back and wishing that I had better enjoyed the experiences that have now passed me by.

Through further reflection and counsel with the Lord, I have been inspired to make some changes to better embrace the wonderful life around me.

I will rid my life of the negative, 

the things that are hindering my progress towards becoming the best me I can be.

I will not allow myself to sink to that scary place that lacks happiness, 

even when things get difficult or overwhelming.

I will be more diligent at praying and reading the scriptures daily.

I will fill my days with meaningful activities, and avoid aimless downtime as much as I possibly can.

I will better serve and love those around me.

Each day I will reflect upon the goodness that I discovered around me and 

record my progress as I try to implement these goals into my life.

 I will enjoy the here and now.

I would be ungrateful if I didn't mention how blessed I am to have the power of the Priesthood in my life. I am so thankful for a husband, a father, a father in law, uncles, grandparents, cousins, friends, and countless other righteous men who are worthy to possess the Power of God here on this earth. I am grateful to my Father in Heaven who's Plan of Happiness allows me to be blessed by the Priesthood and witness the miracles that faith can manifest.

Seven Weeks.

I apologize in advance to any readers who might find the following post distasteful - if I even have any readers.

However, I'm writing this blog for me, for my own personal benefit, not to entertain.

It's my journal, my therapy, my document of this journey I am on.

Therefore I will say what I want, and it's gonna get personal.

You've been warned.

I've been struggling lately (even more than normal - ha) because things are getting weird up in here.
And when I say up in here, I mean up in ME <----- *not funny? ok sorry, I couldn't resist*

It's been seven weeks since Aunt Flo has been in town. 

Yay! Is this an announcement?!

Nope. 

All of my tests have come back negative.

Which is extremely disheartening when all you want in life is for a little pee stick to show a plus sign.

At this point, I'd honestly welcome Aunt Flo.
At least then I would KNOW what's going on.

But alas, me and my trash bin full of negative pee sticks must wait.
Seven weeks.

Jaws.

So before I go ahead and post about our incredible vacation to Colorado 

 (which will be quite a doosy of a post), I have a seriously hilarious story to tell. 

Sunday night before we left on on our vacation, my mom invited us over for dinner with the missionaries because Dad was out of town and they needed a Priesthood holder to be present. Rules rules. 

*We went mostly for the free meal, but let's pretend that we are a righteous couple who loves to serve.* 

So we go and meet the elders, who are HYSTERICAL, by the way.

 Like the funniest missionaries I have ever met. 

We talk, laugh, stuff our faces, etc. After dinner and dessert, we part ways.

DJ and I had to take Benny to the amazing Kirkland's home, where he would stay for the duration of our vacation.

 {Shoutout to my main girl Kylie for being an amazing friend and keeping our little monster for us.}

 By the time we were done dropping puppy off, it was like 9:30. Spontaneously, on our way home, we decided to stop back by my parent's house to grab some luggage because we didn't have enough of our own. 

*Again, we are going to pretend - let's all pretend like I am a great wife and 

didn't wait until 9:30 the night before we were going to leave to begin packing. Okay thanks.*

We absolutely weren't planning on doing so, but like I said, spur of the moment, we went with it. 

We go back to my parent's house and what do you know, about 10 minutes after we arrive the missionaries return as well. 

My grandpa had cooked some of his delicious to die for barbecue and the elders were coming back after a meeting to get their leftovers. So we are all talking and somehow the conversation turns to weird things that we can do with our bodies. One elder could turn his knee completely backwards (resulting from a football injury years before) and invert his pinky finger. Well, the other elder thought he would demonstrate his party trick and 

UN-HINGES HIS JAW. 

Yes, you read that right, the kid was like a snake. 

Apparently he has some jaw condition that allows him to pop out his jaw and pop it right back into place.

I forgot to mention that this elder had been out in the field for less than one week. He was on his way to Brazil but was waiting for his visa and some paperwork to be completed.

Again, less than one week. 

So he does his nasty trick and after a few minutes of laughing and being totally grossed out,

 he tried to pop it back into place. 

Except it won't work.

I kid you not, the elder can't get his jaw back into place. 

Like it's not physically possible.

At first we thought he was kidding. I remember telling him something along the lines of, "If you are messing with us I am going to knock the Holy Ghost right out of you."

Turns out he wasn't kidding around at all and had actually completely dislocated his jaw.

It was horrifying and disgusting and hilarious all at the same time.

Here he is with his freaky snake jaw.

He seriously can't close his mouth.

Because he can't close his mouth, every time he talks, we all bust up laughing because he sounds so ridiculous. 

Stick your tongue out, grab it with both hands, and then talk.

That's what he sounded like.

So his companion gets a hold of the mission president's wife who calls one of the mission doctors.

Remember that I mentioned that my Dad was out of town?

That means that my mom isn't able to drive them to the mission doctor's home. 

So DJ and I offer to take them, because we felt bad for the poor guy and also because it would be pretty cruel to make him ride his bike six miles with his jaw unhinged. 

Also, we are a righteous couple who loves to serve.

By this time it was past 10:00. 

We were all absolutely exhausted.

But we drove to the mission doctor's home and he tried to fix Elder Jaws.

Watching him kneeling over the elder and grabbing and forcing trying to get his jaw in the right place made my stomach turn. It looked unbelievably painful.

And it didn't work.

He told Elder Jaws that he completely dislocated his jaw and that he was going to 

need anesthesia and a doctor in a hospital to get it put back into place.

10:30PM.

Heading to the emergency room.

We spent a looooong night in the ER with the elders.

Around midnight, after a lot of waiting and some X-rays, the doctors were finally ready to put Elder Jaws under and fix him.

His companion and I had to leave the room, we were so grossed out. 

But DJ, being the curious guy that he is, decided to stay for front row seats. 

It only took about 5 minutes, but DJ said it was gnarly.

Apparently the doctor had a seriously hard time getting the jaw back into place that he had to call in another, younger doctor to do it. And even his arms were shaking as he strained to piece Elder Jaws back together. 

Elder Jaws tried to grab the doctor and move him away in his sleep, which I guess was pretty hilarious.

WILD.

I'm so glad I wasn't in there.

Here's Elder Jaws making his way out of anesthesia.

Which was also hysterical.

Wanna get a missionary to "talk about poop in front of a girl"?

Watch him come out of anesthesia.

You can't see us in this picture, but his companion, DJ, and I are all busting up laughing at the things he is saying as he is waking up. I'm pretty sure the hospital staff was ready to kill us.

Elder Jaws was discharged around 1:15AM and we didn't get home until 1:30. Thankfully they live in the same apartment complex as us so we didn't have to go far.

All in all, a hysterical evening. Never had one like it before, probably never will again.

Elder Jaws and his companion are, as mentioned earlier, SO funny, and DJ and I had a blast getting to know them. 

Even though body parts had to fall off to make it possible.

Staying up late and packing until 4:00 in the morning (and waking back up at 7:00) was not very fun.

But that's a story for a different time!

Gratitude.

I've been struggling a lot lately.

I hit my knees last night and begged God to help me find happiness in my life.

I'm having a difficult time keeping my mind off of the negative.

My sweet husband and I have been through a lot the past 10 months, and sometimes managing the emotions and the pain can become overwhelming.

I almost feel guilty letting myself think like this because I have been blessed immensely in my life, and the good definitely outweighs the bad. But it can be difficult nevertheless. 

Sometimes when I have felt this way in the past, knowing that my life is filled with so much good, but continuing to feel despair, I have found it helpful to think of all the things that I am grateful for. 

There are so many things, it would be impossible to list them all, but there are a few things that stand out in my mind as exceptional blessings in my life.

First, my sweet husband. He is my rock, my foundation.

 On our first date, we climbed up onto the roof of his house and he sang and played his guitar for me under the stars. I remember watching him and a voice in my head said to me, 

"You're going to marry him."

What?! This is only our first date! 

Yet here we are, almost two years later, so in love and happily married. 

He keeps me on track. When my path gets too difficult to walk alone, he holds my hand and guides me along. Sometimes I'm pretty sure he even has to drag me.

But he doesn't quit or let me falter, despite my protests and complaints. And I can be pretty dang good at complaining. He never gives up on me. 

I'm so grateful for my Father in Heaven for bringing me and DJ together. 

I'm unbelievably grateful for my Savior, who suffered at no fault of his, to allow me to turn to Him when I am feeling down. He knows what I am going through right now, He has felt my pain. 

What a beautiful plan God has, to allow His only Son to feel my pains so that I can find peace and comfort in my times of need. I honestly cannot think of a greater blessing.

Angels.

I've spent quite some time debating whether or not I am ready to write about this. 

I do not know if anyone will read this, 

or if they will even care.

But I remember the messages shared with me, ones that were thought to be obscure, ones that lifted me up in my time of need. And I am inspired and encouraged to write, hoping that our story will maybe possibly touch someone's life, as others' messages have touched ours.

August 28, 2012

We lost our baby.

It is difficult to describe how I felt when we realized what was happening. 

It now seems like a blur, a dream, when I think about it. 

All I am sure of is that I was in pain.

Unimaginable pain.

Physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually. 

Just pain.

All of the excitement that I had felt upon realizing we were going to have a baby was halted and replaced with this pain. "Delivering" the baby was physically draining, but the emotional and spiritual pain that accompanied our loss was incredible.

I remember being angry, confused and hurt. I was so angry that it made me physically ill. All I have ever wanted was to be a mother and in a day or two that opportunity was torn from my grasp. I hated everything. I did not want to talk to anyone, I did not want to see anyone. I refused to accept comfort and support. I hated going out, I hated staying in. I hated waking up in the morning, I hated going to sleep. 

I was devastated. 

Why did this have to happen to me?

Why would God allow me to suffer like this?

Why did I have to give my baby back?

So many tears were shed. Sobbing, crying, screaming, moaning.

Complete and utter heartbreak.

While he was heartbroken as well, my poor husband did not understand what I was going through and had a hard time empathizing with my pain. Neither of us realized the effect that losing our baby would have on our relationship, and we struggled for a while. 

Eventually we realized that we weren't enough. We could not carry ourselves through this trial.

 Our faith had been shaken, but we needed it now more than ever before. 

We fell to our knees and asked for understanding, for comfort, for hope.

And it came.

It still hurt to hear friends announce that they were pregnant. 

I still got choked up at the sight of beautiful pregnant women or sweet tiny babies.

But the pain was bearable, and we knew that the Lord was looking out for us and giving us strength.

A few months went by, and we felt like the worst had passed. We were moving forward, with the Lord at our side, looking forward to what the future had in store for us.

And then a miracle happened.

Our rainbow baby was on its way! 

We were pregnant!

The joy DJ and I felt was amazing. We shared that joy with our family and close friends, and we were all looking forward to meeting our little miracle.

I struggled with morning sickness and fatigue for weeks and weeks, but I could not have been happier. 

My dreams were coming true, and all of the discomfort was going to be worth it. 

At 10 weeks we went to see the doctor for the first time. Now, with the previous pregnancy, we never got around to seeing a doctor as the baby passed away before we had the opportunity to do so. We did not know what to expect, but we were ecstatic to be going to meet our baby.

The ultrasound.

"Is that our baby?!"

"Yes it is."

The most amazing thing I had ever experienced, seeing that teeny tiny body inside of mine. 

DJ and I loved each other then more than ever before. 

We were so thrilled and overwhelmed that we did not realize that we couldn't hear a heartbeat.

We were ushered into the doctor's office, where we waited, expecting to hear all about the do's and don't's of pregnancy. We could not believe that we were going to be parents. 

Then the doctor came in.

The baby has no heartbeat.

The baby has no heartbeat.

March 26, 2013, almost 7 months to the day, we lost our second baby.

The tears came, the sorrow, the heartbreak. 

But no anger.

A night and day difference from our previous loss.

This was a huge change for me. DJ was so loving and supportive, we grew closer together rather than further apart. Our loss was great, but we felt the Lord's arms around us, sheltering us from the pain. 

We were blessed with understanding and hope for the future. 

This time around, we let people in. The support of friends and family was overwhelming. From flowers, to dinners, to phone calls and sweet messages, we were blown away by the magnitude of love that was sent our way. Many of the people who reached out to us didn't even realize the impact that their actions had. We realized that God was working behind the scenes for our good, especially at this time. 

While our two little baby angels were in heaven with Him, 

His angels were working here on this earth to bring us strength and comfort.

I think about my babies every single day. 

I yearn for them.

I cry for them.

I miss them.

But I know that I am stronger because of them. There was a time when I could not possibly imagine what good could come out of such an experience as this, but the Lord has opened my eyes, and I now recognize all that my sweet husband and I have learned. 

And I am grateful.