Some Personal Stuff.

Well, we were unsuccessful with our first round of fertility treatments.

Bummer, yes, but not unexpected. I wasn't surprised. Disappointed, but not surprised.

Treatment has been such a whirlwind. Here's a recap:

- Our very first appointment I was given a giant shot of progesterone in my backside. This caused me to begin a new cycle (I hadn't had one since we lost the babe).

- 14 days after the giant butt shot I went back in to the office and had a LOAD of blood drawn. Funny story: The blood draw had to be done between days 1 and 3 of my cycle due to the nature of the testing that they were doing. I was told to fast prior to my appointment and being raised in the Church, I know fasting to be abstaining from food and water. Well I get to my appointment and the nurse asks if I have been fasting. I said yes and then she asks if I have been drinking water. "Well....no. I've been fasting." Apparently fasting means no food, but lots of water. So they weren't even sure if they would be able to draw the blood that they needed but we decided to try anyways. Thankfully DJ was with me and was able to hold Samantha because things got kind of crazy. The super nice nurse sticks me with the needle and surprisingly blood is coming out but it's THICK AND SLOW. I do not like having blood drawn and today I needed NINE vials of it taken. Let me repeat: THICK AND SLOW. The tech is asking me every 15 seconds or so how I'm feeling and I'm doing just fine up until she takes the needle out. Suddenly I'm going to throw up. Now there's black spots in front of my eyes. I can't see anything. I can't hear anything. I'm going to throw up. I ask if I can sit down on the floor. I'm super hot, take my sweater off. The tile feels nice. My head is spinning. The nurse is shoving a can of Sprite in my face telling me to drink. I can't drink because I'm going to throw up. I ask to go to the bathroom and I manage the 5 steps to the door and then I'm out. The world is spinning so, I kid you not, I lay down on the bathroom floor. HA! SOOO disgusting but the cold tile helped me to snap out of it a bit. Once I realized just how nasty it was laying on the bathroom floor, I left and found my sweet nurse. I ended up having to lay down on one of their exam tables and have my blood pressure taken every 3 minutes. I survived! But holy cow it was quite the blood draw.

- Days 3-7 of my cycle I had to take a drug called Femara that is used to stimulate ovulation. It's equivalent to Clomid, but minus a lot of the nasty side effects that Clomid is famous for. The one side effect that decided to stick around was hot flashes. Those five days that I was on the Femara, I was like a menopausal 21 year old. SO HOT. All of the time.

- Day 10 I went back to the office for an ultrasound to check on my ovaries. One big, mature follicle on my right side and a small one on the left. Good news!

- A few days later DJ had to give me an injection called Ovidrel in the stomach to trigger ovulation. DJ was so excited to give me the shot. I had to take it at 7AM and at 6:45 DJ is geared up and ready to go. "DJ, you have to wash your hands." Runs, washes his hands, comes back. "You have to get the rubbing alcohol to clean the spot where you're going to give me the shot." Speed of light, gets the alcohol, cleans me up. I can't even tell you how creepy he was about the shot. He loved it hahaha.

- Timed intercourse, progesterone suppository, and then a blood draw two weeks later to see if we were successful.

As I already mentioned, we weren't. I took a home pregnancy test two days before my appointment and it was negative. I was super disappointed, as was DJ, but we move forward! That's what we do.

We were fortunate in that we were able to visit with the Dr. the same day that I had the blood test. Which means that we got the results from all of the blood testing!

Turns out I have a hormone imbalance and hypoglycemia, both of which are associated with recurrent miscarriage. Both of which have easy fixes. I was put on a drug called Metformin for the hypoglycemia and we added an injectable regiment with a drug called Follistim to help balance the hormones. Because we know that we are able to conceive, the Follistim gives us a 35-40% chance of conceiving multiples which is kind of scary/exciting. The plan is to repeat last month's procedures (Femara, Ovidrel, TIC, progesterone) plus the Metformin and Follistim shots and see what happens! Woo!

As I said, quite a whirlwind, but I trust that this is what is going to make us parents. So bring on the hot flashes, blood draws, terrifying shots from my husband, and crazy hormones. Make me a momma.

Hope.

After this past miscarriage, DJ and I began to recognize that getting pregnant and maintaining a healthy pregnancy is not something that we are likely to accomplish on our own. This realization along with a few other occurrences, including an amazing Priesthood blessing, led us to the decision to go meet with a fertility specialist.

We received many recommendations for wonderful specialists in the area and after much research and many prayers we selected a doctor who is nationally recognized and has been in the business for over 15 years.

We COULD NOT be happier with our decision.

Going in to the appointment, I was a bundle of nerves. I have unfortunately gotten used to disappointing news when it comes to our ability to start a family, so even though I knew that visiting the specialist is what we needed to do I was still preparing myself for harsh disappointment. I'm not sure exactly what I was expecting, but as we met with the doctor all of my fears and reservations were put at ease. 

The doctor discussed our issues in detail with us. Every possible issue that could be causing our miscarriages was met with:

"I have a solution for that."

"Easy fix."

"We can take care of that." 

Not a single potential cause lacked a solution. I was ready to shed tears of joy right there in the consult room. 

I kept it together and they began our treatment plan with us right there that very first day. We are moving forward and I am confident that this is the path that the Lord intended us to take. Treatment is expensive and painful and wears my body out, but it is more than worth it. I am absolutely willing to make whatever sacrifices are necessary to begin our family successfully. Because where there was darkness a light is beginning to shine. We have hope again. 

One Year.

Yesterday marked one year since the loss of our first pregnancy.

While the fierce, raw pain of a miscarriage isn't something I would wish on the worst person in the world, DJ and I have learned so much from our experiences. Last night we sat together and enjoyed a Jello cup and talked about how this experience has changed us, both as individuals and as a couple.

I am softer, more able to empathize with others as they face their own heartbreaks and struggles.
I've always considered myself to be a good listener. However, our experience with loss has helped me to be a good feeler. I am able to feel with others as they are traversing their trials. I have had many beautiful people feel my pain with me and those individuals have taught me how important it is to feel with others in their times of need.

DJ has learned how to truly be understanding.

As we spoke last night DJ recounted how, with the first miscarriage, he literally had NO idea what I was going through, both physically and emotionally. We hit a few rough spots because I was suffering and he was unaware of the pain I truly was in. He is a different man today. I will send him a text telling him that I am having a rough time and he will reply saying, "I'm so sorry that you're not feeling well, is there anything I can do for you?" He is kinder, more empathetic, loving. 

I have a greater respect for life and how fragile it really is.

Each new day is a blessing. Prior to our trials, I feel that I took many of those blessed new days for granted. While I still slip up at times, I try to approach each day with an attitude of gratitude. I try to make the most of each new day and live up to my full potential. After all, who really knows how many days we have left?

We have found that there is great happiness in putting each other before our own selves. 

DJ and I have learned that within a marriage, it is all too easy to fall into a mindset of "I need..." or "I want..." However, our burdens are lightened when we instead ask one another, "What do you need? What can I do for you? What do you want?" By putting each other first, we are meeting one another's needs and having our own needs met simultaneously in a caring, respectful, loving manner. 

We have learned that happiness is a choice that each of us gets to make.

One of the most difficult trials that I have faced as a result of our losses is choosing to keep myself from drowning in a dark, depressing place. It's an ongoing battle, and I admit that there have been times when I have dipped a toe or two into that murky water. It's a lot easier to sink to that dark depth than it is to fight to stay afloat, but the fight has strengthened me. It has strengthened my husband. It has strengthened our relationship with one another. It has strengthened our relationship with God. By choosing to be happy despite the pain and heartbreak, we have both grown in ways that we could never have imagined. 

We have learned that God is aware of us, that He loves us, and that He has a plan.

We are taught to map out our lives. "After graduation I will go to college...I will get a degree in...After I have a college degree, I will...By the time I am thirty..." It's not bad to have a plan. In fact, it's encouraged. However, we have to remember that God is in charge and His plan trumps all. Regardless of our own plans for ourselves, He has control and will point us in the direction that we should go. I remember wondering why in the world I had to go through the pain and loss of a miscarriage, and what good could possibly come from such an awful experience. I was beginning to find my answers, and then we lost Baby #2. 

"Why? Why me? What did I do to deserve this?" Questions that I have been tempted to ask a time or two, and maybe have. But the Lord always responds in His soft, gentle, peaceful way that He loves me and that He knows that I am hurting. It is difficult for Him to see me in pain, but He must let me suffer because He knows that there are things I need to learn from my trials. He has a plan, and great blessings are in store for me and DJ. Hope, have faith, and press onward. 

"Wherefore, ye must press forward with a steadfastness in Christ, having a perfect brightness of hope, and a love of God and of all men. Wherefore, if ye shall press forward, feasting upon the word of Christ, and endure to the end, behold, thus saith the Father: Ye shall have eternal life."

While the past year has been far from smooth-sailing, I am grateful for all that we have been through. We have truly felt the hand of the Lord shaping us, making us stronger, making us better. I know that we have many spirit children waiting to come to this earth through our love, and I look forward to the day when we finally, finally get to meet them. 

Again.

Well, it is rather unfortunate, but I ended up in the hospital again on Friday night. 

For the third time this year.

I posted this picture with a caption that said, 

"home again, home again, jiggidy jig" 

on Instagram because it seriously is beginning to feel like DJ and I should just move in to the emergency room.

I was having severe pain with my cycle (TMI?) and after talking to a nurse's hotline and DJ's sister who is a nurse, we felt like we should probably go in, just in case. 

Both nurses were concerned that I may have a cyst or even possibly an ectopic pregnancy.

Better to be safe than sorry!

We went in to the ER at 9:30PM and they didn't even get us into a room until 11:00.

I was then poked and prodded and given all sorts of invasive girly tests that were not very fun.

After 6 hours of waiting, we were told that the doctors couldn't find anything wrong.

A relief and a disappointment at the same time.

A relief that my body is not in immediate danger, regardless of the pain suggesting otherwise.

A disappointment because we still don't know what is causing the pain.

Things have resolved themselves a bit over the last few days, and I pray they will keep getting better.

Sort of a scary incident, but we truly are grateful that nothing is seriously wrong. 

Decisions.

I'm facing a few big decisions in regard to school and work, and I always find it helpful to record my thoughts when trying to decide what to do.

First, I have decided not to go to school this upcoming year.

DJ is beginning graduate school next month which is pretty much a full time commitment. I am going to be responsible for providing for our little family during that time, which is hugely stressful for me to even think about. While I make decent money, we still rely on DJ's income to supplement mine. It is going to be a difficult year for us, and I just don't think I can handle trying to succeed in school on top of things. Therefore, the decision to take a year off.

I know, I know, "If you stop now you'll never go back!" 

I feel confident that my determination to get a college degree will pull me through the difficulties that taking time off and re-starting school may present. It has always been a goal of mine to graduate, and not doing so is not an option in my mind. Sure it will be challenging, but like most challenges, the end result will be well worth it.

What to do?

Sisters.

Well, as I mentioned, this past week was a wild one. And I'm afraid that it wasn't the "good" sort of wild.

Last Sunday we almost lost my sister.

I didn't find out until Monday morning when my mom called me to tell me that my sister was in the hospital.
I left work as soon as I could, but unfortunately by the time I got back to Mesa, my sister had been moved to a facility that doesn't allow visitors for the first day or so that a patient is there. All I could really do was comfort my family and try to make myself useful. We were able to visit with her the next day, at which time she was stable and doing much better. She stayed in the hospital for 5 days and was released last Friday.

Thankfully my sister is here and well, although the doctors informed us that it was a close call, and that we are lucky. This experience got me thinking about how much I truly need my sister in my life. Sure, we grew up picking on one another (like most siblings do) but ultimately, when it comes down to it, there would be a huge hole in my life if she wasn't here. As I heard the news and then had time to ponder while waiting to hear from the hospital, I realized just how much I regret every mean thing I have ever said or done to hurt her. The guilt was overwhelming. I love my sister, and while our relationship is now SO much better than it was when we were teenagers, living in the same house, in the same bedroom, I look forward to and am so grateful for the many years I have ahead with my sister. I need her to know what a beautiful part of my life she is, and just how much I need her.

Here and Now.

Last night my father-in-law gave me one of the sweetest blessings I have ever received.

I prayed all day long and the night before that I would be prepared for the blessing, and that my heart would be softened and that I would be able to accept whatever was said. I prayed that I would find answers and strength in the words that were spoken.

While the blessing was powerful and filled with the Spirit, it was much different than I expected and I didn't necessarily hear exactly what I was hoping I would hear. But, after falling to my knees and asking the Lord for understanding, I came away with a new resolve to better myself and prepare for the future that is in store for me.

One critical, recurring point in my blessing was that my experiences and trials would be used to bless others.

While I do not fully understand how that will happen, knowing that it will help others creates a greater sense of appreciation for the hardships that I have been through, as well as hope that I will continue to understand and discover the Lord's plan for me. I have complete and total faith that the struggles I have endured and the ones that I have yet to endure will mold me into the person that I am meant to become.

Counsel to enjoy the journey and embrace what is around me now was also a recurrent theme in my blessing.

Which is something that I seriously struggle with. 

Patience does not come easily to me. I constantly am looking forward to the next big thing, the next adventure ahead of me, and I let the here and now slip by. But here and now is a beautiful place to be, and I often find myself looking back and wishing that I had better enjoyed the experiences that have now passed me by.

Through further reflection and counsel with the Lord, I have been inspired to make some changes to better embrace the wonderful life around me.

I will rid my life of the negative, 

the things that are hindering my progress towards becoming the best me I can be.

I will not allow myself to sink to that scary place that lacks happiness, 

even when things get difficult or overwhelming.

I will be more diligent at praying and reading the scriptures daily.

I will fill my days with meaningful activities, and avoid aimless downtime as much as I possibly can.

I will better serve and love those around me.

Each day I will reflect upon the goodness that I discovered around me and 

record my progress as I try to implement these goals into my life.

 I will enjoy the here and now.

I would be ungrateful if I didn't mention how blessed I am to have the power of the Priesthood in my life. I am so thankful for a husband, a father, a father in law, uncles, grandparents, cousins, friends, and countless other righteous men who are worthy to possess the Power of God here on this earth. I am grateful to my Father in Heaven who's Plan of Happiness allows me to be blessed by the Priesthood and witness the miracles that faith can manifest.

Seven Weeks.

I apologize in advance to any readers who might find the following post distasteful - if I even have any readers.

However, I'm writing this blog for me, for my own personal benefit, not to entertain.

It's my journal, my therapy, my document of this journey I am on.

Therefore I will say what I want, and it's gonna get personal.

You've been warned.

I've been struggling lately (even more than normal - ha) because things are getting weird up in here.
And when I say up in here, I mean up in ME <----- *not funny? ok sorry, I couldn't resist*

It's been seven weeks since Aunt Flo has been in town. 

Yay! Is this an announcement?!

Nope. 

All of my tests have come back negative.

Which is extremely disheartening when all you want in life is for a little pee stick to show a plus sign.

At this point, I'd honestly welcome Aunt Flo.
At least then I would KNOW what's going on.

But alas, me and my trash bin full of negative pee sticks must wait.
Seven weeks.

Jaws.

So before I go ahead and post about our incredible vacation to Colorado 

 (which will be quite a doosy of a post), I have a seriously hilarious story to tell. 

Sunday night before we left on on our vacation, my mom invited us over for dinner with the missionaries because Dad was out of town and they needed a Priesthood holder to be present. Rules rules. 

*We went mostly for the free meal, but let's pretend that we are a righteous couple who loves to serve.* 

So we go and meet the elders, who are HYSTERICAL, by the way.

 Like the funniest missionaries I have ever met. 

We talk, laugh, stuff our faces, etc. After dinner and dessert, we part ways.

DJ and I had to take Benny to the amazing Kirkland's home, where he would stay for the duration of our vacation.

 {Shoutout to my main girl Kylie for being an amazing friend and keeping our little monster for us.}

 By the time we were done dropping puppy off, it was like 9:30. Spontaneously, on our way home, we decided to stop back by my parent's house to grab some luggage because we didn't have enough of our own. 

*Again, we are going to pretend - let's all pretend like I am a great wife and 

didn't wait until 9:30 the night before we were going to leave to begin packing. Okay thanks.*

We absolutely weren't planning on doing so, but like I said, spur of the moment, we went with it. 

We go back to my parent's house and what do you know, about 10 minutes after we arrive the missionaries return as well. 

My grandpa had cooked some of his delicious to die for barbecue and the elders were coming back after a meeting to get their leftovers. So we are all talking and somehow the conversation turns to weird things that we can do with our bodies. One elder could turn his knee completely backwards (resulting from a football injury years before) and invert his pinky finger. Well, the other elder thought he would demonstrate his party trick and 

UN-HINGES HIS JAW. 

Yes, you read that right, the kid was like a snake. 

Apparently he has some jaw condition that allows him to pop out his jaw and pop it right back into place.

I forgot to mention that this elder had been out in the field for less than one week. He was on his way to Brazil but was waiting for his visa and some paperwork to be completed.

Again, less than one week. 

So he does his nasty trick and after a few minutes of laughing and being totally grossed out,

 he tried to pop it back into place. 

Except it won't work.

I kid you not, the elder can't get his jaw back into place. 

Like it's not physically possible.

At first we thought he was kidding. I remember telling him something along the lines of, "If you are messing with us I am going to knock the Holy Ghost right out of you."

Turns out he wasn't kidding around at all and had actually completely dislocated his jaw.

It was horrifying and disgusting and hilarious all at the same time.

Here he is with his freaky snake jaw.

He seriously can't close his mouth.

Because he can't close his mouth, every time he talks, we all bust up laughing because he sounds so ridiculous. 

Stick your tongue out, grab it with both hands, and then talk.

That's what he sounded like.

So his companion gets a hold of the mission president's wife who calls one of the mission doctors.

Remember that I mentioned that my Dad was out of town?

That means that my mom isn't able to drive them to the mission doctor's home. 

So DJ and I offer to take them, because we felt bad for the poor guy and also because it would be pretty cruel to make him ride his bike six miles with his jaw unhinged. 

Also, we are a righteous couple who loves to serve.

By this time it was past 10:00. 

We were all absolutely exhausted.

But we drove to the mission doctor's home and he tried to fix Elder Jaws.

Watching him kneeling over the elder and grabbing and forcing trying to get his jaw in the right place made my stomach turn. It looked unbelievably painful.

And it didn't work.

He told Elder Jaws that he completely dislocated his jaw and that he was going to 

need anesthesia and a doctor in a hospital to get it put back into place.

10:30PM.

Heading to the emergency room.

We spent a looooong night in the ER with the elders.

Around midnight, after a lot of waiting and some X-rays, the doctors were finally ready to put Elder Jaws under and fix him.

His companion and I had to leave the room, we were so grossed out. 

But DJ, being the curious guy that he is, decided to stay for front row seats. 

It only took about 5 minutes, but DJ said it was gnarly.

Apparently the doctor had a seriously hard time getting the jaw back into place that he had to call in another, younger doctor to do it. And even his arms were shaking as he strained to piece Elder Jaws back together. 

Elder Jaws tried to grab the doctor and move him away in his sleep, which I guess was pretty hilarious.

WILD.

I'm so glad I wasn't in there.

Here's Elder Jaws making his way out of anesthesia.

Which was also hysterical.

Wanna get a missionary to "talk about poop in front of a girl"?

Watch him come out of anesthesia.

You can't see us in this picture, but his companion, DJ, and I are all busting up laughing at the things he is saying as he is waking up. I'm pretty sure the hospital staff was ready to kill us.

Elder Jaws was discharged around 1:15AM and we didn't get home until 1:30. Thankfully they live in the same apartment complex as us so we didn't have to go far.

All in all, a hysterical evening. Never had one like it before, probably never will again.

Elder Jaws and his companion are, as mentioned earlier, SO funny, and DJ and I had a blast getting to know them. 

Even though body parts had to fall off to make it possible.

Staying up late and packing until 4:00 in the morning (and waking back up at 7:00) was not very fun.

But that's a story for a different time!

Fat.

Dying over this right here, mostly because it's exactly how I feel. Also it's hysterical.

DJ and I have recently began a quest towards our pre-marriage bodies. 

We've each put on 20+ pounds since we tied the knot and we feel (and look) fat. 

I put on some leggings the other day and seriously, I was a wide-load. I can't believe I left the house.

It's bad.

DJ bought a gym membership with his graduation money and has been pretty good about going with his buddy Jeff.

 He also has a road bike and loves to cycle at the butt crack of dawn with a group of guys.

I, on the other hand, do not have a gym membership or a bike. Or friends.

I have the kitchen full of temptations all to myself.

Really really delicious temptations.

I've been trying to cut back on my calorie intake, but I am afraid my approach is flawed - 

basically I eat a granola bar or two throughout the day and binge eat my dinner. 

Working on figuring that out.

Also I tried to run on Tuesday night. 

Keyword here is "tried".

I lasted about 5 minutes on the treadmill and was ready to surrender 

my firstborn child to the gods of exercise if they would just MAKE IT STOP.

Did not go well.

But I shall keep trying. 

Truth.

Heavy.

Disclaimer: This post isn't being written by my normal, generally happy self. 

I just need to vent a little bit.

Today is Friday, and looking back at the week I just had, I think to myself, "I am SO over it."

Yeah, it's been one of those weeks.

I've had a lot on my mind lately, and I am having a difficult time sorting through everything.

I'm in a serious funk.

Since bringing Benny home (whom I absolutely love and adore, don't get me wrong), I haven't gotten much sleep. He is still such a "baby" puppy, and being away from his litter mates has been super duper challenging, for him and for us. Poor baby just cries all night long, every night. The first night we had him he did very well, I think it was because he was absolutely exhausted from the day. The next night, however, he woke up on the hour every single hour from 11PM to 5AM. Literally all night long. DJ was so good and got up with him all but once, but this resulted in my having to sleep on the floor with Benny all night long the following night. Finally, we ended up putting him in another room for the night, but we can still hear him. So I am extremely exhausted.

The most pressing issue on my mind is the matter of trying to have a baby again. We have one more month until we are free and clear, according to doctor's orders. I have ZERO patience here. I just want to get this show on the road! I am ready, but DJ is adamant that we wait until I am cleared by the doctor. I totally know that this is what I need to do, but accepting that is challenging. Patience has never been my strong suit. I really REALLY want to have a baby. But then I am totally conflicted because the thought of getting pregnant again is just about paralyzing. I can't even begin to describe how scared I am that we will lose another baby. I totally believe that being positive and thinking positive thoughts returns positive outcomes, but I can't help but let this scary thought enter my mind every now and then (example: this past week). I am hoping and praying that things will go well with this next pregnancy, and I know that I really really have to think positive. It's just hard.

Well that's the end of my rant. I suppose that helped. I am very very excited for this week to be over, and I know that things will get better. It always gets better.

Handsome Pants.

See this man?

Isn't he adorable?

I have a story to tell about him.

This amazing husband of mine just graduated with his Bachelor's degree in Accountancy from ASU.

Now, let me tell you why this is such a big huge enormous deal.

Unlike some, school never came easy to DJ. He has always struggled.

But he has never given up.

DJ has worked harder at obtaining a college degree than anyone I have ever met (and I've met lots of people).

Countless hours were spent studying, reading, writing.

Too many fun activities were skipped in order to study an extra hour or two.

But he was determined to complete his college career.

AND HE DID IT!

With an above-average GPA!

He did so well, in fact, that he was accepted into ASU's Accounting GRADUATE program. My husband is going to be a graduate student. Seriously, I think that is so cool.

I wish I was more like Deejer when it comes to schooling. His dedication and persistence, qualities that will help him in his future career, blow my mind. He is incredible, and I am so thankful that he has worked so hard to obtain his Bachelor's degree, something that I am sure will bring enormous blessings to our family for the rest of this lifetime.

Angels.

I've spent quite some time debating whether or not I am ready to write about this. 

I do not know if anyone will read this, 

or if they will even care.

But I remember the messages shared with me, ones that were thought to be obscure, ones that lifted me up in my time of need. And I am inspired and encouraged to write, hoping that our story will maybe possibly touch someone's life, as others' messages have touched ours.

August 28, 2012

We lost our baby.

It is difficult to describe how I felt when we realized what was happening. 

It now seems like a blur, a dream, when I think about it. 

All I am sure of is that I was in pain.

Unimaginable pain.

Physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually. 

Just pain.

All of the excitement that I had felt upon realizing we were going to have a baby was halted and replaced with this pain. "Delivering" the baby was physically draining, but the emotional and spiritual pain that accompanied our loss was incredible.

I remember being angry, confused and hurt. I was so angry that it made me physically ill. All I have ever wanted was to be a mother and in a day or two that opportunity was torn from my grasp. I hated everything. I did not want to talk to anyone, I did not want to see anyone. I refused to accept comfort and support. I hated going out, I hated staying in. I hated waking up in the morning, I hated going to sleep. 

I was devastated. 

Why did this have to happen to me?

Why would God allow me to suffer like this?

Why did I have to give my baby back?

So many tears were shed. Sobbing, crying, screaming, moaning.

Complete and utter heartbreak.

While he was heartbroken as well, my poor husband did not understand what I was going through and had a hard time empathizing with my pain. Neither of us realized the effect that losing our baby would have on our relationship, and we struggled for a while. 

Eventually we realized that we weren't enough. We could not carry ourselves through this trial.

 Our faith had been shaken, but we needed it now more than ever before. 

We fell to our knees and asked for understanding, for comfort, for hope.

And it came.

It still hurt to hear friends announce that they were pregnant. 

I still got choked up at the sight of beautiful pregnant women or sweet tiny babies.

But the pain was bearable, and we knew that the Lord was looking out for us and giving us strength.

A few months went by, and we felt like the worst had passed. We were moving forward, with the Lord at our side, looking forward to what the future had in store for us.

And then a miracle happened.

Our rainbow baby was on its way! 

We were pregnant!

The joy DJ and I felt was amazing. We shared that joy with our family and close friends, and we were all looking forward to meeting our little miracle.

I struggled with morning sickness and fatigue for weeks and weeks, but I could not have been happier. 

My dreams were coming true, and all of the discomfort was going to be worth it. 

At 10 weeks we went to see the doctor for the first time. Now, with the previous pregnancy, we never got around to seeing a doctor as the baby passed away before we had the opportunity to do so. We did not know what to expect, but we were ecstatic to be going to meet our baby.

The ultrasound.

"Is that our baby?!"

"Yes it is."

The most amazing thing I had ever experienced, seeing that teeny tiny body inside of mine. 

DJ and I loved each other then more than ever before. 

We were so thrilled and overwhelmed that we did not realize that we couldn't hear a heartbeat.

We were ushered into the doctor's office, where we waited, expecting to hear all about the do's and don't's of pregnancy. We could not believe that we were going to be parents. 

Then the doctor came in.

The baby has no heartbeat.

The baby has no heartbeat.

March 26, 2013, almost 7 months to the day, we lost our second baby.

The tears came, the sorrow, the heartbreak. 

But no anger.

A night and day difference from our previous loss.

This was a huge change for me. DJ was so loving and supportive, we grew closer together rather than further apart. Our loss was great, but we felt the Lord's arms around us, sheltering us from the pain. 

We were blessed with understanding and hope for the future. 

This time around, we let people in. The support of friends and family was overwhelming. From flowers, to dinners, to phone calls and sweet messages, we were blown away by the magnitude of love that was sent our way. Many of the people who reached out to us didn't even realize the impact that their actions had. We realized that God was working behind the scenes for our good, especially at this time. 

While our two little baby angels were in heaven with Him, 

His angels were working here on this earth to bring us strength and comfort.

I think about my babies every single day. 

I yearn for them.

I cry for them.

I miss them.

But I know that I am stronger because of them. There was a time when I could not possibly imagine what good could come out of such an experience as this, but the Lord has opened my eyes, and I now recognize all that my sweet husband and I have learned. 

And I am grateful.