Changes // Part One

As mentioned earlier, so much has been going on. We've been running around like chickens without heads! But it's been an adventure :)

First, an update on our ongoing journey to becoming Mom and Dad.

I've been struggling to even talk about this since our false positive. That was the hardest thing I've had to deal with in a while, and it hasn't gotten much better since. But I finally think that it would be helpful to get things out. 

Our next cycle we talked with our fertility specialists and decided to adjust our medications. They increased our Follistim injections from 4 injections every other day to 6 consecutive injections, hoping to produce more than one measly follicle. So we did the increased injections, coupled with the usual Femara and Metformin. Day 10 of my cycle we went to the office for an ultrasound to check my follicles and the change in medication DEFINITELY worked - instead of one follicle, I had SEVEN. 

The nurses were shocked and consulted with the doctor, who advised against proceeding with this cycle. We had a 75% chance of twins, a 20% chance of triplets, and a 6% chance of 4 or more. Of course the decision to cancel the cycle or move forward was up to us, but we had to decide within the next 24 hours. 

HOLY COW, this was the hardest decision we have ever made. We had to consider the pros and cons of moving forward. We were so excited about the idea of getting pregnant and the fact that we most likely would conceive with this cycle. But then there was the terror of having 4 or 5 or 7 babies all at once and the risks that that poses to my health, but more importantly, the health of our babies. We seriously went back and forth, speaking with nurses, parents, friends, gathering different facts, perspectives, opinions. It was SO OVERWHELMING. The time limit didn't help either. I've never felt more conflicted in my life. Finally by the end of the night DJ and I decided that we were going to go for it. We were just going to move forward and come what may.

We felt good after making our decision. Or so I thought. A few hours after we settled on proceeding, I could NOT fall asleep. I was uneasy, nauseous, and felt so conflicted. I knew that we were not supposed to proceed with this cycle. I could not, in good conscious, toy with the fates and the lives of any children that we may have conceived, and choose to move forward just because I am so desperate to be a mom. I don't think I could live with myself if I chose to go forward for my own selfish reasons and ended up with severely handicapped children as a result. So, I made the hardest call of my life, and chose to cancel our cycle.

SO no babies, no pregnancy, and eeeeeevil cramps. FINALLY the whole ordeal passed and it was time to start our next cycle.I was finally looking forward to a new, fresh start and I was more than ready to put a really really tough month behind me. At the beginning of every cycle they do an ultrasound to check for cysts (which is a common side effect of the Follistim injections). During my ultrasound they - of course - found a cyst. It was a big one too! Just my luck. After a cancelled cycle, we had to take ANOTHER month off of trying to conceive in order to treat the cyst. Two months lost. And lots of pregnancy announcements from friends and family in between. It was a crazy emotional roller coaster.

Finally the cyst was gone and we began our current cycle. They decreased the medication - that's what they thought caused so many follicles - and we moved forward. Well my Day 10 ultrasound came along and again, just one follicle. I can't even tell you how disappointed we were. Not only was there just one follicle but it appeared to have already burst (meaning that I had ovulated earlier than anticipated). So once again, no pregnancy this month.

We are meeting with the main doctor tomorrow (usually we just consult with his staff) to try and come up with a new game plan. What we are doing currently is just not working and things need to be adjusted. We should be pregnant by now, but we are not. Luckily we just learned that we have insurance coverage for fertility and we can move forward with all of the super expensive procedures that we have been putting off...ya know, because we are poorer than dirt. What a blessing that is! For the first time in months I am finally feeling hopeful and excited again. Looking forward to all that is ahead!

Recently.

This is going to be quite the catch-all post, as lots has been going on and I haven't blogged in ages. 

We had a wonderful, albeit small, Christmas this year. Money was super tight but thanks to our sweet peoples we were able to go out and purchase a few small things for one another. Not having much helped me to focus on the true meaning of Christmas, our Savior, and to enjoy the time spent with family. 

On the 23rd we got to stay up super late and Skype with my sister in law who is currently on a mission in the Philippines! It was so good to see her cute face! We miss her so much but she is doing great things over on the other side of the world!

A few days after Christmas we took my family and their friends up to the cabin for the weekend. It was a blast! The family that came with my parents was actually one of DJ's professors this past fall semester. He and his wife are in my parent's ward! They have four small kids + Brandon and Ella = a super fun kid-filled weekend! The littles wanted to go to the snow (and there wasn't much) but we found a lake on top of the Rim that was frozen over with snow on the banks. Again, not much snow but the kiddos didn't care! They loved it! 

Benny was super confused by the snow, especially when the kids would throw it on top of him. I think he had fun though :)

I finished up my job as a nanny to Samantha. I'm so heartbroken that I can't continue caring for her! However, I'm super excited to be going back to school this semester. I only have about a year of school remaining and I'm SO thrilled to be working towards that goal once again. 

DJ just started his final semester of college EVER. He'll be done with his Master's in May!! We (mostly him haha) are super excited for this stage of his life to be over with. On to bigger and better things!!

We completed another round of fertility treatments. I had to have DJ give me an injection in the stomach every other day for a week and a half and it bruised pretty bad, which was nasty, coupled with all of the other wonderful medications. During our two week wait until we found out if we were pregnant I started to have a lot of symptoms of pregnancy (I've been pregnant three times, I have an idea what it feels like) and was SO sure that we were going to have a baby. I took a test and it was POSITIVE! YAY! We were so excited, told our parents and siblings and then found out later that it was a false positive due to a hormone left in my system from one of the injections. 

We are super bummed. We're SOOOO ready to start a family. DJ, who has been super tough throughout all of this, told me the other day that he is aching to have a baby. This just broke my heart. It's super hard having gone through what we have. I try to stay positive, but sometimes I feel like a failure for having a body that responded in such a manner the last three times that we were expecting. I should be able to do this, this is what God made me to do! It's unbelievably discouraging to see others get pregnant and have children without a care in the world while we are here: stuck, on a million nasty medications that I'd much rather NOT have in my body, waiting, hoping and praying that we will be able to get pregnant and then once we are pregnant to worry constantly about whether or not we will keep the baby. It's been a extremely difficult and still is, knowing that we will probably never have a child without medical intervention. 

On a lighter note, I am incredibly thankful that the medical knowledge to help us begin a family exists. Because we couldn't do it on our own. Making the decision to see a specialist was the best thing we've done in a long while. It has brought so much hope, peace, and happiness throughout all of the despair, confusion and fog that we have had to travel through.

Even though we have yet to be successful with our treatments there are happy, hopeful things happening all along the way. Like the fact that we were accepted into a program that allows us to get 75% off our unbelievably expensive medications. Or realizing just how awesome my dad is for working so hard to provide insurance for our family that covers so many of my expenses. Or the fact that we have a 50% chance of conceiving twins! :) There's light a midst the darkness and as we continue to progress we are learning more and more that God has a specific plan in mind for us and traversing this darkness is part of it. He wants us to work to see that light. He knows that we will learn important things from this trial. The Lord knows that finding joy in the journey is a vital lesson that DJ and I need to learn. 

We're looking for that joy.

And we're slowly, but surely, finding it. 

Some Personal Stuff.

Well, we were unsuccessful with our first round of fertility treatments.

Bummer, yes, but not unexpected. I wasn't surprised. Disappointed, but not surprised.

Treatment has been such a whirlwind. Here's a recap:

- Our very first appointment I was given a giant shot of progesterone in my backside. This caused me to begin a new cycle (I hadn't had one since we lost the babe).

- 14 days after the giant butt shot I went back in to the office and had a LOAD of blood drawn. Funny story: The blood draw had to be done between days 1 and 3 of my cycle due to the nature of the testing that they were doing. I was told to fast prior to my appointment and being raised in the Church, I know fasting to be abstaining from food and water. Well I get to my appointment and the nurse asks if I have been fasting. I said yes and then she asks if I have been drinking water. "Well....no. I've been fasting." Apparently fasting means no food, but lots of water. So they weren't even sure if they would be able to draw the blood that they needed but we decided to try anyways. Thankfully DJ was with me and was able to hold Samantha because things got kind of crazy. The super nice nurse sticks me with the needle and surprisingly blood is coming out but it's THICK AND SLOW. I do not like having blood drawn and today I needed NINE vials of it taken. Let me repeat: THICK AND SLOW. The tech is asking me every 15 seconds or so how I'm feeling and I'm doing just fine up until she takes the needle out. Suddenly I'm going to throw up. Now there's black spots in front of my eyes. I can't see anything. I can't hear anything. I'm going to throw up. I ask if I can sit down on the floor. I'm super hot, take my sweater off. The tile feels nice. My head is spinning. The nurse is shoving a can of Sprite in my face telling me to drink. I can't drink because I'm going to throw up. I ask to go to the bathroom and I manage the 5 steps to the door and then I'm out. The world is spinning so, I kid you not, I lay down on the bathroom floor. HA! SOOO disgusting but the cold tile helped me to snap out of it a bit. Once I realized just how nasty it was laying on the bathroom floor, I left and found my sweet nurse. I ended up having to lay down on one of their exam tables and have my blood pressure taken every 3 minutes. I survived! But holy cow it was quite the blood draw.

- Days 3-7 of my cycle I had to take a drug called Femara that is used to stimulate ovulation. It's equivalent to Clomid, but minus a lot of the nasty side effects that Clomid is famous for. The one side effect that decided to stick around was hot flashes. Those five days that I was on the Femara, I was like a menopausal 21 year old. SO HOT. All of the time.

- Day 10 I went back to the office for an ultrasound to check on my ovaries. One big, mature follicle on my right side and a small one on the left. Good news!

- A few days later DJ had to give me an injection called Ovidrel in the stomach to trigger ovulation. DJ was so excited to give me the shot. I had to take it at 7AM and at 6:45 DJ is geared up and ready to go. "DJ, you have to wash your hands." Runs, washes his hands, comes back. "You have to get the rubbing alcohol to clean the spot where you're going to give me the shot." Speed of light, gets the alcohol, cleans me up. I can't even tell you how creepy he was about the shot. He loved it hahaha.

- Timed intercourse, progesterone suppository, and then a blood draw two weeks later to see if we were successful.

As I already mentioned, we weren't. I took a home pregnancy test two days before my appointment and it was negative. I was super disappointed, as was DJ, but we move forward! That's what we do.

We were fortunate in that we were able to visit with the Dr. the same day that I had the blood test. Which means that we got the results from all of the blood testing!

Turns out I have a hormone imbalance and hypoglycemia, both of which are associated with recurrent miscarriage. Both of which have easy fixes. I was put on a drug called Metformin for the hypoglycemia and we added an injectable regiment with a drug called Follistim to help balance the hormones. Because we know that we are able to conceive, the Follistim gives us a 35-40% chance of conceiving multiples which is kind of scary/exciting. The plan is to repeat last month's procedures (Femara, Ovidrel, TIC, progesterone) plus the Metformin and Follistim shots and see what happens! Woo!

As I said, quite a whirlwind, but I trust that this is what is going to make us parents. So bring on the hot flashes, blood draws, terrifying shots from my husband, and crazy hormones. Make me a momma.

Hope.

After this past miscarriage, DJ and I began to recognize that getting pregnant and maintaining a healthy pregnancy is not something that we are likely to accomplish on our own. This realization along with a few other occurrences, including an amazing Priesthood blessing, led us to the decision to go meet with a fertility specialist.

We received many recommendations for wonderful specialists in the area and after much research and many prayers we selected a doctor who is nationally recognized and has been in the business for over 15 years.

We COULD NOT be happier with our decision.

Going in to the appointment, I was a bundle of nerves. I have unfortunately gotten used to disappointing news when it comes to our ability to start a family, so even though I knew that visiting the specialist is what we needed to do I was still preparing myself for harsh disappointment. I'm not sure exactly what I was expecting, but as we met with the doctor all of my fears and reservations were put at ease. 

The doctor discussed our issues in detail with us. Every possible issue that could be causing our miscarriages was met with:

"I have a solution for that."

"Easy fix."

"We can take care of that." 

Not a single potential cause lacked a solution. I was ready to shed tears of joy right there in the consult room. 

I kept it together and they began our treatment plan with us right there that very first day. We are moving forward and I am confident that this is the path that the Lord intended us to take. Treatment is expensive and painful and wears my body out, but it is more than worth it. I am absolutely willing to make whatever sacrifices are necessary to begin our family successfully. Because where there was darkness a light is beginning to shine. We have hope again. 

Again.

Well, it is rather unfortunate, but I ended up in the hospital again on Friday night. 

For the third time this year.

I posted this picture with a caption that said, 

"home again, home again, jiggidy jig" 

on Instagram because it seriously is beginning to feel like DJ and I should just move in to the emergency room.

I was having severe pain with my cycle (TMI?) and after talking to a nurse's hotline and DJ's sister who is a nurse, we felt like we should probably go in, just in case. 

Both nurses were concerned that I may have a cyst or even possibly an ectopic pregnancy.

Better to be safe than sorry!

We went in to the ER at 9:30PM and they didn't even get us into a room until 11:00.

I was then poked and prodded and given all sorts of invasive girly tests that were not very fun.

After 6 hours of waiting, we were told that the doctors couldn't find anything wrong.

A relief and a disappointment at the same time.

A relief that my body is not in immediate danger, regardless of the pain suggesting otherwise.

A disappointment because we still don't know what is causing the pain.

Things have resolved themselves a bit over the last few days, and I pray they will keep getting better.

Sort of a scary incident, but we truly are grateful that nothing is seriously wrong. 

Jaws.

So before I go ahead and post about our incredible vacation to Colorado 

 (which will be quite a doosy of a post), I have a seriously hilarious story to tell. 

Sunday night before we left on on our vacation, my mom invited us over for dinner with the missionaries because Dad was out of town and they needed a Priesthood holder to be present. Rules rules. 

*We went mostly for the free meal, but let's pretend that we are a righteous couple who loves to serve.* 

So we go and meet the elders, who are HYSTERICAL, by the way.

 Like the funniest missionaries I have ever met. 

We talk, laugh, stuff our faces, etc. After dinner and dessert, we part ways.

DJ and I had to take Benny to the amazing Kirkland's home, where he would stay for the duration of our vacation.

 {Shoutout to my main girl Kylie for being an amazing friend and keeping our little monster for us.}

 By the time we were done dropping puppy off, it was like 9:30. Spontaneously, on our way home, we decided to stop back by my parent's house to grab some luggage because we didn't have enough of our own. 

*Again, we are going to pretend - let's all pretend like I am a great wife and 

didn't wait until 9:30 the night before we were going to leave to begin packing. Okay thanks.*

We absolutely weren't planning on doing so, but like I said, spur of the moment, we went with it. 

We go back to my parent's house and what do you know, about 10 minutes after we arrive the missionaries return as well. 

My grandpa had cooked some of his delicious to die for barbecue and the elders were coming back after a meeting to get their leftovers. So we are all talking and somehow the conversation turns to weird things that we can do with our bodies. One elder could turn his knee completely backwards (resulting from a football injury years before) and invert his pinky finger. Well, the other elder thought he would demonstrate his party trick and 

UN-HINGES HIS JAW. 

Yes, you read that right, the kid was like a snake. 

Apparently he has some jaw condition that allows him to pop out his jaw and pop it right back into place.

I forgot to mention that this elder had been out in the field for less than one week. He was on his way to Brazil but was waiting for his visa and some paperwork to be completed.

Again, less than one week. 

So he does his nasty trick and after a few minutes of laughing and being totally grossed out,

 he tried to pop it back into place. 

Except it won't work.

I kid you not, the elder can't get his jaw back into place. 

Like it's not physically possible.

At first we thought he was kidding. I remember telling him something along the lines of, "If you are messing with us I am going to knock the Holy Ghost right out of you."

Turns out he wasn't kidding around at all and had actually completely dislocated his jaw.

It was horrifying and disgusting and hilarious all at the same time.

Here he is with his freaky snake jaw.

He seriously can't close his mouth.

Because he can't close his mouth, every time he talks, we all bust up laughing because he sounds so ridiculous. 

Stick your tongue out, grab it with both hands, and then talk.

That's what he sounded like.

So his companion gets a hold of the mission president's wife who calls one of the mission doctors.

Remember that I mentioned that my Dad was out of town?

That means that my mom isn't able to drive them to the mission doctor's home. 

So DJ and I offer to take them, because we felt bad for the poor guy and also because it would be pretty cruel to make him ride his bike six miles with his jaw unhinged. 

Also, we are a righteous couple who loves to serve.

By this time it was past 10:00. 

We were all absolutely exhausted.

But we drove to the mission doctor's home and he tried to fix Elder Jaws.

Watching him kneeling over the elder and grabbing and forcing trying to get his jaw in the right place made my stomach turn. It looked unbelievably painful.

And it didn't work.

He told Elder Jaws that he completely dislocated his jaw and that he was going to 

need anesthesia and a doctor in a hospital to get it put back into place.

10:30PM.

Heading to the emergency room.

We spent a looooong night in the ER with the elders.

Around midnight, after a lot of waiting and some X-rays, the doctors were finally ready to put Elder Jaws under and fix him.

His companion and I had to leave the room, we were so grossed out. 

But DJ, being the curious guy that he is, decided to stay for front row seats. 

It only took about 5 minutes, but DJ said it was gnarly.

Apparently the doctor had a seriously hard time getting the jaw back into place that he had to call in another, younger doctor to do it. And even his arms were shaking as he strained to piece Elder Jaws back together. 

Elder Jaws tried to grab the doctor and move him away in his sleep, which I guess was pretty hilarious.

WILD.

I'm so glad I wasn't in there.

Here's Elder Jaws making his way out of anesthesia.

Which was also hysterical.

Wanna get a missionary to "talk about poop in front of a girl"?

Watch him come out of anesthesia.

You can't see us in this picture, but his companion, DJ, and I are all busting up laughing at the things he is saying as he is waking up. I'm pretty sure the hospital staff was ready to kill us.

Elder Jaws was discharged around 1:15AM and we didn't get home until 1:30. Thankfully they live in the same apartment complex as us so we didn't have to go far.

All in all, a hysterical evening. Never had one like it before, probably never will again.

Elder Jaws and his companion are, as mentioned earlier, SO funny, and DJ and I had a blast getting to know them. 

Even though body parts had to fall off to make it possible.

Staying up late and packing until 4:00 in the morning (and waking back up at 7:00) was not very fun.

But that's a story for a different time!

Blood.

Look at us. Just Look.

We are perfect for each other, no?

Unbelievably compatible, in every way but one.

Blood.

Yes. Our blood is not compatible.

Hence our struggles with pregnancy and miscarriage.

Here's the deal:

DJ's blood type is RH positive, very common, very normal.

My blood type, however, is not so common. It is RH negative. 

Only 15% of people in the world are RH negative, and I happen to be one of them.

How cool.

What does it mean to be Rh negative?

"Women who are RH negative tend to have an immune system reaction when RH positive blood is introduced into their system. This basically means that the RH negative person's body recognizes the RH positive blood as an invader. If an RH negative woman is pregnant, there is a chance that the baby she is carrying is RH positive. If this is the case, the baby's RH positive blood can enter the mother's bloodstream, which will cause her immune system to learn how to respond to it. The first baby an RH negative mother has is usually okay. However, if the woman becomes pregnant again with a second child, the woman's immune system has learned to destroy RH positive blood, and when the mother's blood enters the baby, it can cause problems. There is a shot, called RhoGam, that will stop the immune system from learning RH positive blood, and therefore prevent her body from attacking the baby in a future pregnancy."

Basically, without the RhoGam, my body treats Baby like an allergic reaction.

We did not know that I was RH negative at the time of our first pregnancy. This miscarriage was a completely natural occurrence, no fault on our part, not caused by the RH negative factor. It happens. BUT because we did not know that I am RH negative, we did not receive a RhoGam shot at the time of "delivery" like I should have. This DID cause problems with the second pregnancy.

Unfortunately we did not learn that my blood is RH negative until the time of my D and C surgery, after Baby 2 passed away. But, I was able to get the RhoGam, which will hopefully result in a successful pregnancy next time around.

I am so grateful for modern technology that allowed doctors to discover this RH problem and develop a solution. DJ and I are hoping and praying that this technology will assist us in bringing our little spirits to us here on Earth.