1.5

Saturday marked a year and a half of marriage.

I am so blessed to be married to DJ.

Our marriage was inspired, and words cannot express how much happiness it has brought each of us.

1.5 down, eternity to go.

Sisters.

Well, as I mentioned, this past week was a wild one. And I'm afraid that it wasn't the "good" sort of wild.

Last Sunday we almost lost my sister.

I didn't find out until Monday morning when my mom called me to tell me that my sister was in the hospital.
I left work as soon as I could, but unfortunately by the time I got back to Mesa, my sister had been moved to a facility that doesn't allow visitors for the first day or so that a patient is there. All I could really do was comfort my family and try to make myself useful. We were able to visit with her the next day, at which time she was stable and doing much better. She stayed in the hospital for 5 days and was released last Friday.

Thankfully my sister is here and well, although the doctors informed us that it was a close call, and that we are lucky. This experience got me thinking about how much I truly need my sister in my life. Sure, we grew up picking on one another (like most siblings do) but ultimately, when it comes down to it, there would be a huge hole in my life if she wasn't here. As I heard the news and then had time to ponder while waiting to hear from the hospital, I realized just how much I regret every mean thing I have ever said or done to hurt her. The guilt was overwhelming. I love my sister, and while our relationship is now SO much better than it was when we were teenagers, living in the same house, in the same bedroom, I look forward to and am so grateful for the many years I have ahead with my sister. I need her to know what a beautiful part of my life she is, and just how much I need her.

Loves.

 

While I absolutely love my sweet husband and being with him is my favorite thing of all time,

I often find myself missing these goons.

Sure, they live like half a mile away, but unfortunately I still don't see them as often as I'd like to.

I miss being teased by my dad.

I miss talking with my mom about anything and everything.

I miss trading clothes and talking fashion with Jaidyn.

I miss being the butt of all of Brandon's jokes.

I miss snuggling with little Ella.

I miss my family, and I am so grateful that God put me here on this earth with them.

Wouldn't trade them for the world.

Old Fart.

Well my cute hubby turned 25 last Friday.

He's growing up so fast.

This year we realized that DJ is half way through his twenties, five years away from being 30.

Then we realized that I am still a decade away from being 30. 

And we awkwardly looked at one another and I assured him that he really isn't a cradle robber.

.......**crickets**.......

He's the Old Fart and I'm his Kid Wife.
But we're cute so who cares.

To celebrate DJ's leap into Old Fart-hoodom, we drove to the cabin on Friday afternoon after work.
Just me, him and Benny.

This is the cute puppy monster snuggled in my lap on the way to the cabin:


He doesn't really like car rides, so instead of coping with his emotions like a big boy
he just falls asleep whenever we drive anywhere with him.
Although I am a believer in facing your fears and giving them a round-house kick in the rear, I cherish Benny's car-ride sleepiness because it's the only time our snuggles aren't forced.
Isn't he absolutely a peach?
Too bad he also happens to be a very, very small terrorist who loves trying to eat people.

We arrived at the cabin around 8:00PM and for the first time in a couple of weeks we did nothing.
It was heavenly.
DJ cleaned his guns, I did a word search, Benny munched on a rawhide.
 No plans, no pressure, just relaxation.

This trip was Benny's first to the cabin.
I'd say, overall, he had a blast! DJ and I sure had fun watching him explore.
We threw him in the water at the Blue Hole and for a second we weren't sure if he was going to come back up. DJ was ready to jump in after him when he finally surfaced and swam back to the shore.
A little while later, after we had hiked a bit more, we went back to the Blue Hole and DJ jumped in with Benny. DJ pretended that the water felt great and totally convinced me to jump in with my clothes on, too.
Ya, it was freezing.
I totally understood why all Benny wanted to do was get out.
For the first time ever I actually found it difficult to breathe in the water because it was so cold.
That was a little bit scary but thankfully I didn't panic and was able to get out of the water.
Benny did NOT appreciate being tossed in the water against his will twice. We learned this when we passed some other hikers going the opposite way on the trail back to the cabin and Benny made it abundantly clear that he would rather stay with them than with us. We sort of felt bad, but at the same time we were really excited that he knew how to swim. Also he looks pathetically cute when he is wet, so dunking him in the water was totally worth it.
This picture isn't from the cabin but it captures just how pitiful Benny looks when wet:

Melts your heart, huh?

Well we came home from the cabin on Saturday afternoon and spent some time with friends later that evening. Sunday came and went, but on Monday we did something really really cool.

As a birthday present, I bought DJ concert tickets to one of our favorite bands, Imagine Dragons!
The show was AMAZING, like I can't even stress that enough.
It was my first concert (DJ's, like, bazillionth concert), and it was such an awesome experience.
The band is super talented and they create incredible, unique music. I really appreciate that they create that amazing music and leave all the unnecessary profanity out of their songs. I have pretty thick ears, but I respect them more because they maintained their standards on stage, unlike most other popular bands.
They did a great job connecting with the audience, and I think that DJ and I had a ton of fun.
I would totally pay to see them again.

So that was the birthday weekend for my Old Fart.
He truly is the greatest blessing in my life.
He's my biggest fan, and I truly believe that I could not face many of my trials without him.
I don't think I could walk through this life or the next with a better man by my side.
I'm so lucky that he is mine forever, and I wouldn't trade a single day with him for 100 years the other way.
He's my main squeeze, my home-skillet biscuit.
I love you, Dougy.

Gratitude.

I've been struggling a lot lately.

I hit my knees last night and begged God to help me find happiness in my life.

I'm having a difficult time keeping my mind off of the negative.

My sweet husband and I have been through a lot the past 10 months, and sometimes managing the emotions and the pain can become overwhelming.

I almost feel guilty letting myself think like this because I have been blessed immensely in my life, and the good definitely outweighs the bad. But it can be difficult nevertheless. 

Sometimes when I have felt this way in the past, knowing that my life is filled with so much good, but continuing to feel despair, I have found it helpful to think of all the things that I am grateful for. 

There are so many things, it would be impossible to list them all, but there are a few things that stand out in my mind as exceptional blessings in my life.

First, my sweet husband. He is my rock, my foundation.

 On our first date, we climbed up onto the roof of his house and he sang and played his guitar for me under the stars. I remember watching him and a voice in my head said to me, 

"You're going to marry him."

What?! This is only our first date! 

Yet here we are, almost two years later, so in love and happily married. 

He keeps me on track. When my path gets too difficult to walk alone, he holds my hand and guides me along. Sometimes I'm pretty sure he even has to drag me.

But he doesn't quit or let me falter, despite my protests and complaints. And I can be pretty dang good at complaining. He never gives up on me. 

I'm so grateful for my Father in Heaven for bringing me and DJ together. 

I'm unbelievably grateful for my Savior, who suffered at no fault of his, to allow me to turn to Him when I am feeling down. He knows what I am going through right now, He has felt my pain. 

What a beautiful plan God has, to allow His only Son to feel my pains so that I can find peace and comfort in my times of need. I honestly cannot think of a greater blessing.

Eternity.

"Choose your love and love your choice."

~ President Thomas S. Monson ~

With the passing of our dear Prophet's sweet wife today, I feel especially grateful for our Heavenly Father's plan of happiness and eternal marriage.

Getting married in the temple was the most humbling, yet magnificent thing I have ever experienced. 

Kneeling across the altar with my sweet forever man holding my hands.

Tears rolling down his face.

A smile as wide as the heavens on mine.

My heart had never been more full.

DJ and I knew that we were meant to be together very early on in our courtship.

The confirmation that we received as our relationship progressed was undeniable and unmistakable.

We were to begin a forever family side by side.

I am so grateful that we made the decision to become husband and wife.

I am even more grateful that God has set up his order in a manner that allows men and women to be sealed for time and all eternity in the temple.

I chose my love, and I love my DJ.

Husband Notes.

In a text message:

"I want you to know that I love you.

You are an amazing person who has the greatest capabilities in life.

You have so much love and concern.

You have a wealth of wisdom and you are not afraid of taking risks.

You work so hard at everything that you do.

I am so amazed by you, 

I can only wish to be as great as you.

I am humbled as I think that you would love me as much as you do.

I seriously feel so blessed to have you as my eternal companion.

I love you with all my heart!

You are a fantastic human being!

Samantha is lucky she gets to spend all day with you, everyday - I envy her!

You are great, you are the best, you are smart, you are beautiful, 

you are thoughtful, considerate, and compassionate.

Thank you for everything that you do.

I just love you.

I want you to know."

 He has my heart. 

Overwhelmed.

Recording our story of miscarriage and loss was one of the hardest things I have ever done. 

And then I felt that it needed to be shared.

Find our story here. 

Multiply that difficulty by infinity, and then add in fear, anxiety, embarrassment, etc., etc., etc.

SO SCARY.

I honestly expected a few (like 10) people to bother taking the time to read my message.

I did not expect my post to have over 650 hits in 24 hours. 

I did not expect the sweet comments, the lovely messages of hope and peace, the positive encouragement.

I did not expect the magnitude of love and support that was sent our way.

I am overwhelmed.

I hoped that some good would come from sharing our story, and I truly feel like we benefited more than anyone else possibly did or ever could. That was not my goal in sharing our story, but  I am so thankful to everyone for reading and sharing and even more so for their kind words.

Thank you.

Angels.

I've spent quite some time debating whether or not I am ready to write about this. 

I do not know if anyone will read this, 

or if they will even care.

But I remember the messages shared with me, ones that were thought to be obscure, ones that lifted me up in my time of need. And I am inspired and encouraged to write, hoping that our story will maybe possibly touch someone's life, as others' messages have touched ours.

August 28, 2012

We lost our baby.

It is difficult to describe how I felt when we realized what was happening. 

It now seems like a blur, a dream, when I think about it. 

All I am sure of is that I was in pain.

Unimaginable pain.

Physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually. 

Just pain.

All of the excitement that I had felt upon realizing we were going to have a baby was halted and replaced with this pain. "Delivering" the baby was physically draining, but the emotional and spiritual pain that accompanied our loss was incredible.

I remember being angry, confused and hurt. I was so angry that it made me physically ill. All I have ever wanted was to be a mother and in a day or two that opportunity was torn from my grasp. I hated everything. I did not want to talk to anyone, I did not want to see anyone. I refused to accept comfort and support. I hated going out, I hated staying in. I hated waking up in the morning, I hated going to sleep. 

I was devastated. 

Why did this have to happen to me?

Why would God allow me to suffer like this?

Why did I have to give my baby back?

So many tears were shed. Sobbing, crying, screaming, moaning.

Complete and utter heartbreak.

While he was heartbroken as well, my poor husband did not understand what I was going through and had a hard time empathizing with my pain. Neither of us realized the effect that losing our baby would have on our relationship, and we struggled for a while. 

Eventually we realized that we weren't enough. We could not carry ourselves through this trial.

 Our faith had been shaken, but we needed it now more than ever before. 

We fell to our knees and asked for understanding, for comfort, for hope.

And it came.

It still hurt to hear friends announce that they were pregnant. 

I still got choked up at the sight of beautiful pregnant women or sweet tiny babies.

But the pain was bearable, and we knew that the Lord was looking out for us and giving us strength.

A few months went by, and we felt like the worst had passed. We were moving forward, with the Lord at our side, looking forward to what the future had in store for us.

And then a miracle happened.

Our rainbow baby was on its way! 

We were pregnant!

The joy DJ and I felt was amazing. We shared that joy with our family and close friends, and we were all looking forward to meeting our little miracle.

I struggled with morning sickness and fatigue for weeks and weeks, but I could not have been happier. 

My dreams were coming true, and all of the discomfort was going to be worth it. 

At 10 weeks we went to see the doctor for the first time. Now, with the previous pregnancy, we never got around to seeing a doctor as the baby passed away before we had the opportunity to do so. We did not know what to expect, but we were ecstatic to be going to meet our baby.

The ultrasound.

"Is that our baby?!"

"Yes it is."

The most amazing thing I had ever experienced, seeing that teeny tiny body inside of mine. 

DJ and I loved each other then more than ever before. 

We were so thrilled and overwhelmed that we did not realize that we couldn't hear a heartbeat.

We were ushered into the doctor's office, where we waited, expecting to hear all about the do's and don't's of pregnancy. We could not believe that we were going to be parents. 

Then the doctor came in.

The baby has no heartbeat.

The baby has no heartbeat.

March 26, 2013, almost 7 months to the day, we lost our second baby.

The tears came, the sorrow, the heartbreak. 

But no anger.

A night and day difference from our previous loss.

This was a huge change for me. DJ was so loving and supportive, we grew closer together rather than further apart. Our loss was great, but we felt the Lord's arms around us, sheltering us from the pain. 

We were blessed with understanding and hope for the future. 

This time around, we let people in. The support of friends and family was overwhelming. From flowers, to dinners, to phone calls and sweet messages, we were blown away by the magnitude of love that was sent our way. Many of the people who reached out to us didn't even realize the impact that their actions had. We realized that God was working behind the scenes for our good, especially at this time. 

While our two little baby angels were in heaven with Him, 

His angels were working here on this earth to bring us strength and comfort.

I think about my babies every single day. 

I yearn for them.

I cry for them.

I miss them.

But I know that I am stronger because of them. There was a time when I could not possibly imagine what good could come out of such an experience as this, but the Lord has opened my eyes, and I now recognize all that my sweet husband and I have learned. 

And I am grateful.