Birthday #21.

My 21st birthday was a few weeks ago.

Honestly it was an awful birthday! I was still in the process of having a miscarriage. So that was hard to manage, emotionally and physically.

However, the next weekend we went out to dinner at Red Robin with a whole bunch of wonderful people and that was a blast! 

Another year older and wiser, too. 

I think about where I was at this time last year. 

I was still reeling from a miscarriage that had taken place about 2 months earlier (our first), constantly sick with grief, unemployed due to said sickness, NOT dealing with our loss well and in a really really dark place. I don't know if I would peg it as depression but it still wasn't a fun place to be. Not to toot my own horn, but I feel like I truly have grown so much in the past year. 

I've learned that I am in control of my life. Nothing, not even despair, sorrow, or grief, can run my life unless

I allow it to. I've learned to be a better wife - my relationship with my DJ is better than it's ever been. I've learned to listen to others and sympathize with them in their times of need.

I've learned that the Atonement of Jesus Christ doesn't just apply to sins but also to sorrows. I've learned that my Savior felt all of the pain that I have ever felt or ever will feel and that by relying on Him, my burdens can be made light. 

Although it has probably been the most difficult year of my entire life, I am thankful for the struggles that I have faced. I can see how they have molded me into a better, stronger woman than I was a year ago. 

I can't wait to see what this next year has in store for me!

Monday.

Happy Monday.

Today I woke up feeling pretty good, which doesn't usually happen on Mondays.

I even did my hair and makeup for the occasion. 

I'm grateful that I'm feeling good today, and I am excited for a fulfilling and productive Monday!

Here's a short update on Haley's Happenings:

Last Thursday, we went and watched Brandon and Ella compete in the City of Mesa swim meet. They both did a great job, and I'm so glad to be their big sister!

I love these goonies.

On Saturday, DJ and I went and helped one of the family's good friends, Dee, and her three daughters into their new house. We were supposed to meet at 10:00 to begin helping, and when DJ woke me up at 9:45 I considered staying in bed for another hour or so and then joining up with the rest of the crew. But then I thought about all of the crap that my family would give me if I did that, and rolled my lazy butt out of bed. 

Nothing quite like the fear of endless grief to motivate a girl.

And now today I am back at work, doing my thing. 

It's a Monday, and it's a good day.

Sisters.

Well, as I mentioned, this past week was a wild one. And I'm afraid that it wasn't the "good" sort of wild.

Last Sunday we almost lost my sister.

I didn't find out until Monday morning when my mom called me to tell me that my sister was in the hospital.
I left work as soon as I could, but unfortunately by the time I got back to Mesa, my sister had been moved to a facility that doesn't allow visitors for the first day or so that a patient is there. All I could really do was comfort my family and try to make myself useful. We were able to visit with her the next day, at which time she was stable and doing much better. She stayed in the hospital for 5 days and was released last Friday.

Thankfully my sister is here and well, although the doctors informed us that it was a close call, and that we are lucky. This experience got me thinking about how much I truly need my sister in my life. Sure, we grew up picking on one another (like most siblings do) but ultimately, when it comes down to it, there would be a huge hole in my life if she wasn't here. As I heard the news and then had time to ponder while waiting to hear from the hospital, I realized just how much I regret every mean thing I have ever said or done to hurt her. The guilt was overwhelming. I love my sister, and while our relationship is now SO much better than it was when we were teenagers, living in the same house, in the same bedroom, I look forward to and am so grateful for the many years I have ahead with my sister. I need her to know what a beautiful part of my life she is, and just how much I need her.

Here and Now.

Last night my father-in-law gave me one of the sweetest blessings I have ever received.

I prayed all day long and the night before that I would be prepared for the blessing, and that my heart would be softened and that I would be able to accept whatever was said. I prayed that I would find answers and strength in the words that were spoken.

While the blessing was powerful and filled with the Spirit, it was much different than I expected and I didn't necessarily hear exactly what I was hoping I would hear. But, after falling to my knees and asking the Lord for understanding, I came away with a new resolve to better myself and prepare for the future that is in store for me.

One critical, recurring point in my blessing was that my experiences and trials would be used to bless others.

While I do not fully understand how that will happen, knowing that it will help others creates a greater sense of appreciation for the hardships that I have been through, as well as hope that I will continue to understand and discover the Lord's plan for me. I have complete and total faith that the struggles I have endured and the ones that I have yet to endure will mold me into the person that I am meant to become.

Counsel to enjoy the journey and embrace what is around me now was also a recurrent theme in my blessing.

Which is something that I seriously struggle with. 

Patience does not come easily to me. I constantly am looking forward to the next big thing, the next adventure ahead of me, and I let the here and now slip by. But here and now is a beautiful place to be, and I often find myself looking back and wishing that I had better enjoyed the experiences that have now passed me by.

Through further reflection and counsel with the Lord, I have been inspired to make some changes to better embrace the wonderful life around me.

I will rid my life of the negative, 

the things that are hindering my progress towards becoming the best me I can be.

I will not allow myself to sink to that scary place that lacks happiness, 

even when things get difficult or overwhelming.

I will be more diligent at praying and reading the scriptures daily.

I will fill my days with meaningful activities, and avoid aimless downtime as much as I possibly can.

I will better serve and love those around me.

Each day I will reflect upon the goodness that I discovered around me and 

record my progress as I try to implement these goals into my life.

 I will enjoy the here and now.

I would be ungrateful if I didn't mention how blessed I am to have the power of the Priesthood in my life. I am so thankful for a husband, a father, a father in law, uncles, grandparents, cousins, friends, and countless other righteous men who are worthy to possess the Power of God here on this earth. I am grateful to my Father in Heaven who's Plan of Happiness allows me to be blessed by the Priesthood and witness the miracles that faith can manifest.

Loves.

 

While I absolutely love my sweet husband and being with him is my favorite thing of all time,

I often find myself missing these goons.

Sure, they live like half a mile away, but unfortunately I still don't see them as often as I'd like to.

I miss being teased by my dad.

I miss talking with my mom about anything and everything.

I miss trading clothes and talking fashion with Jaidyn.

I miss being the butt of all of Brandon's jokes.

I miss snuggling with little Ella.

I miss my family, and I am so grateful that God put me here on this earth with them.

Wouldn't trade them for the world.

Centennial State.

This past week my in-laws took the entire family on vacation to Colorado.

It was incredible.

Look at this:

I honesty could not believe how gorgeous Colorado is. 

The instant I got there, I was in love. 

I probably told DJ 1,000 times that we seriously need to move there.

I'm not big on scenic pictures, personally I prefer pictures with people in them, 

but driving through the Rocky Mountains, I couldn't help myself. 

It's so pretty, I could cry.

MONDAY

We drove ALL DAY LONG.

In my last entry, I mentioned something about staying up until 4:00 in the morning to finish packing. 

Well, 3 hours later, we were up and moving, getting ready to hit the road.

Basically, I rolled out of bed and into the front seat of the Suburban.

Speaking of the Suburban, we had quite the time with the rental car company.

Kristi and Doug originally rented us a little minivan for the vacation.

When we get to the dealership, this "minivan" was the weirdest thing I have ever seen. 

It honestly looked like a refrigerator box on wheels.

I kid you not.

I wish I would have taken a picture of it.

So we go and pick up the refrigerator/box/car, and as we are driving away, 

we realize that the passenger seat door was missing its buttons (to roll down the window, unlock the doors).

We decided that that was going to be too much of a hassle, 

and since we were paying for the rental, we should get one with all its parts.

So we returned to the dealership, who's name begins with an H and ends with an ERTZ,

and they were so kind and gracious and offered us an upgrade. 

They give us a WAY nice, normal-looking van that was much roomier and did I mention that it looked normal?

While it was inconvenient to have to return the first car, we were happy with their service and impressed by how they handled the situation. Also, we were glad that we weren't going to have to embarrass ourselves by driving a refrigerator.

DJ and I are driving away in this seriously cool Swagger Wagon and all of a sudden the air conditioning cuts out. 

Again, I kid you not.

The stupid car is broken.

SO.

We return AGAIN to the dealership and needless to say, the staff at Hertz can't even believe that they are seeing us again. 

We weren't exactly thrilled to see them either.

This time around they gave us another upgrade, a 2013 Suburban.

They also knocked off the price that they charge for gas when returning the vehicle.

I think DJ told me that Doug and Kristi only spent about $120 on the rental for the entire week.

WOW.

Moral of the story, when you're renting a car, drive away, break things, return, and get an upgrade.

Just kidding.

We drove all day on Monday, and we arrived in Durango around 8:30.

DJ's parents booked us a room at this little inn in Durango and they and the rest of the family stayed in a family member's condo in a place called Pagosa Springs, about an hour away from Durango (there wasn't enough room for everybody in the condo, that's why DJ and I ended up in a hotel - but we were ok with that).

TUESDAY

Tuesday was kind of a free day for us.

Maegan was getting into town at 3:00PM and up until then, DJ and I were invited to do whatever we pleased.

We relaxed, ate some lunch at an adorable little cafe in downtown Durango.

We rented a couple of cruisers from a rinky-dink little bike shop and rode them along the river. 

It was a gorgeous day, but towards the end of the ride, it got pretty hot and I was about ready to abandon bike and jump in the river.

Looks inviting, right?

After DJ's family picked Maegan up from the airport, we all met up at the Durango Silverton Railroad Station and explored a little museum about the Railroad and it's history.
I am not usually one for museums, but this one was really cool.
It was a giant warehouse-looking building that had giant steam engines and ancient cars inside.
It was super cool!
After that little adventure, we ate dinner and took it easy for the rest of the night.

WEDNESDAY
Wednesday was seriously the coolest day.
We got to ride a legitimate steam engine train!

Check out that bad boy.

The train ride lasted 3 1/2 hours and ran from Durango to Silverton.
In the process the train had to climb close to 3,000 feet up to the top of the mountains where Silverton is nestled.
The train was SO COOL.
Doug and Kristi reserved us seats that were in an open-window car. So there was a top, but no windows.
I'm so glad they picked that car instead of an closed one, because the scenery was incredible.

The train ran primarily along the Animas River.

We were close to the water the whole time.

I was extremely excited about this, because as an Arizona native, I have rarely seen running water.

Ridiculous, I know.

This was the view as we neared a 200-ft-high bridge that the train used to cross the river.

The only downside to being in an open-window car was that the steam from the engine contained a lot of ash and soot. By the time we made it to Silverton, we were all covered in little black spots and each of us had gotten a piece of two of soot in our eyes, which hurt like crazy.

Silverton was the coolest little town I have ever seen. 

It is located in a little "dip" at the top of a bunch of mountains. 

Apparently, a long time ago, the mountains had all been connected as a volcano and Silverton sat in what would have been the cauldron.

I always knew my husband was a planes-trains-and-automobiles type of guy, but that was proven even more when we got to the awesome town of Silverton and all DJ wanted to do was stand and look at the train.

Looks like a kid on Christmas, doesn't he?

Seriously, all he wanted to do was examine the train.

The train actually ran by our hotel room every morning, and sure enough, DJ was out there laying pennies on the tracks and waving at the passengers as they chugged by. So fun!

THURSDAY

Initially, I was not that interested in Thursday's activity.

However, after we got to our destination, I was ecstatic.

See those old buildings in the side of that mountain?

Ya I got to go in there!

We went and toured some Puebloan ruins at Mesa Verde.

SERIOUSLY SO COOL.

 We had to hike down about a million stairs and a few ladders to get to the ruins, but they were absolutely incredible. It was wild to think that people actually used to live here!

This is the view looking straight up into one of the towers.
Everything you see there was built hundreds of years ago!

This little hole is called a Kiva, and this is where the Pueblo people resided. Underground, in a circular hole. 

 We actually had the opportunity to go into one of these, but it was rather dark inside and I wasn't able to get a good picture.

Flipping amazing. I'm so glad we went!

FRIDAY
Friday might have been my favorite day of the entire vacation.
Look what we did:

YAYAY!
I have been riding horses for my entire life (thanks grandpa) and have been many times.
Besides Kristi, this was everyone else's first time riding!

We found this little place about halfway between Durango and Pagosa Springs that took tourists on trail rides.
We had the funniest guides, one of them was hittin on me the whole time, we all got a laugh out of that!

Blurry picture, but this is me and my trusty steed, Bob.

He was a stubborn butt.

He listened very well at the beginning of the ride, but about half way through, we started disagreeing.

So I sort of let him do his own thang.

DJ kept trying to pass Bob and I because he was being a poo head, and every time DJ's horse would begin to pass Bob, Bob would automatically (meaning I did not instruct him to) start trotting and he made sure that DJ's horse DID NOT pass him in the lineup.

We got a kick out of that.

This is DJ and his lovely horse named Poco.

She was a dear, I liked her more than I liked Bob.

The gang before the ride.

The gang and our silly guides after the ride.

It was an absolute BLAST getting to see the amazing sites up in the Rocky Mountains on horseback.

This ride may have even convinced DJ to buy me a horse someday...who knows!

The rest of the day was spent driving through the mountains of Colorado.

We stopped in Ouray, which is a little old mining town.

We also stopped in Telluride, which was a glitsy, old-fashioned-looking town nestled in a valley way high in the mountains.

There was this crazy waterfall, and as we got closer we realized that there is also a house up there!

NO FREAKING WAY!

Look how high that is!

Incredible.

Here are some more scenes from our drive.

Absolutely breathtaking.

I miss it.

SATURDAY

Like Monday, Saturday was a day full of driving. 

Which sucked.

But we did make a few stops on the way home.

First we stopped at the Four Corners monument!

It was pretty cool being in four places at once.

Actually it didn't feel much different from being in one place at once.

But still cool!

This is a kiss big enough for four states!

We also stopped in Bluff, Utah and visited a little pioneer monument. 

The Church has this really cool set up of a little pioneer settlement made by the pioneers who crossed Hole in the Rock. We even found out that we were related to one of the families who came through!

We spent the rest of the day driving, and weird things started happening.

Like this.

Courtney made herself a boyfriend in the back of the Suburban...

And DJ shoved M&M's into his mouth until they started going down his throat.

But we made it home safely, and I'd have to say that this trip was one of the best trips of my life!

Thanks Doug and Kristi!

Gratitude.

I've been struggling a lot lately.

I hit my knees last night and begged God to help me find happiness in my life.

I'm having a difficult time keeping my mind off of the negative.

My sweet husband and I have been through a lot the past 10 months, and sometimes managing the emotions and the pain can become overwhelming.

I almost feel guilty letting myself think like this because I have been blessed immensely in my life, and the good definitely outweighs the bad. But it can be difficult nevertheless. 

Sometimes when I have felt this way in the past, knowing that my life is filled with so much good, but continuing to feel despair, I have found it helpful to think of all the things that I am grateful for. 

There are so many things, it would be impossible to list them all, but there are a few things that stand out in my mind as exceptional blessings in my life.

First, my sweet husband. He is my rock, my foundation.

 On our first date, we climbed up onto the roof of his house and he sang and played his guitar for me under the stars. I remember watching him and a voice in my head said to me, 

"You're going to marry him."

What?! This is only our first date! 

Yet here we are, almost two years later, so in love and happily married. 

He keeps me on track. When my path gets too difficult to walk alone, he holds my hand and guides me along. Sometimes I'm pretty sure he even has to drag me.

But he doesn't quit or let me falter, despite my protests and complaints. And I can be pretty dang good at complaining. He never gives up on me. 

I'm so grateful for my Father in Heaven for bringing me and DJ together. 

I'm unbelievably grateful for my Savior, who suffered at no fault of his, to allow me to turn to Him when I am feeling down. He knows what I am going through right now, He has felt my pain. 

What a beautiful plan God has, to allow His only Son to feel my pains so that I can find peace and comfort in my times of need. I honestly cannot think of a greater blessing.

Overwhelmed.

Recording our story of miscarriage and loss was one of the hardest things I have ever done. 

And then I felt that it needed to be shared.

Find our story here. 

Multiply that difficulty by infinity, and then add in fear, anxiety, embarrassment, etc., etc., etc.

SO SCARY.

I honestly expected a few (like 10) people to bother taking the time to read my message.

I did not expect my post to have over 650 hits in 24 hours. 

I did not expect the sweet comments, the lovely messages of hope and peace, the positive encouragement.

I did not expect the magnitude of love and support that was sent our way.

I am overwhelmed.

I hoped that some good would come from sharing our story, and I truly feel like we benefited more than anyone else possibly did or ever could. That was not my goal in sharing our story, but  I am so thankful to everyone for reading and sharing and even more so for their kind words.

Thank you.