One Year.

Yesterday marked one year since the loss of our first pregnancy.

While the fierce, raw pain of a miscarriage isn't something I would wish on the worst person in the world, DJ and I have learned so much from our experiences. Last night we sat together and enjoyed a Jello cup and talked about how this experience has changed us, both as individuals and as a couple.

I am softer, more able to empathize with others as they face their own heartbreaks and struggles.
I've always considered myself to be a good listener. However, our experience with loss has helped me to be a good feeler. I am able to feel with others as they are traversing their trials. I have had many beautiful people feel my pain with me and those individuals have taught me how important it is to feel with others in their times of need.

DJ has learned how to truly be understanding.

As we spoke last night DJ recounted how, with the first miscarriage, he literally had NO idea what I was going through, both physically and emotionally. We hit a few rough spots because I was suffering and he was unaware of the pain I truly was in. He is a different man today. I will send him a text telling him that I am having a rough time and he will reply saying, "I'm so sorry that you're not feeling well, is there anything I can do for you?" He is kinder, more empathetic, loving. 

I have a greater respect for life and how fragile it really is.

Each new day is a blessing. Prior to our trials, I feel that I took many of those blessed new days for granted. While I still slip up at times, I try to approach each day with an attitude of gratitude. I try to make the most of each new day and live up to my full potential. After all, who really knows how many days we have left?

We have found that there is great happiness in putting each other before our own selves. 

DJ and I have learned that within a marriage, it is all too easy to fall into a mindset of "I need..." or "I want..." However, our burdens are lightened when we instead ask one another, "What do you need? What can I do for you? What do you want?" By putting each other first, we are meeting one another's needs and having our own needs met simultaneously in a caring, respectful, loving manner. 

We have learned that happiness is a choice that each of us gets to make.

One of the most difficult trials that I have faced as a result of our losses is choosing to keep myself from drowning in a dark, depressing place. It's an ongoing battle, and I admit that there have been times when I have dipped a toe or two into that murky water. It's a lot easier to sink to that dark depth than it is to fight to stay afloat, but the fight has strengthened me. It has strengthened my husband. It has strengthened our relationship with one another. It has strengthened our relationship with God. By choosing to be happy despite the pain and heartbreak, we have both grown in ways that we could never have imagined. 

We have learned that God is aware of us, that He loves us, and that He has a plan.

We are taught to map out our lives. "After graduation I will go to college...I will get a degree in...After I have a college degree, I will...By the time I am thirty..." It's not bad to have a plan. In fact, it's encouraged. However, we have to remember that God is in charge and His plan trumps all. Regardless of our own plans for ourselves, He has control and will point us in the direction that we should go. I remember wondering why in the world I had to go through the pain and loss of a miscarriage, and what good could possibly come from such an awful experience. I was beginning to find my answers, and then we lost Baby #2. 

"Why? Why me? What did I do to deserve this?" Questions that I have been tempted to ask a time or two, and maybe have. But the Lord always responds in His soft, gentle, peaceful way that He loves me and that He knows that I am hurting. It is difficult for Him to see me in pain, but He must let me suffer because He knows that there are things I need to learn from my trials. He has a plan, and great blessings are in store for me and DJ. Hope, have faith, and press onward. 

"Wherefore, ye must press forward with a steadfastness in Christ, having a perfect brightness of hope, and a love of God and of all men. Wherefore, if ye shall press forward, feasting upon the word of Christ, and endure to the end, behold, thus saith the Father: Ye shall have eternal life."

While the past year has been far from smooth-sailing, I am grateful for all that we have been through. We have truly felt the hand of the Lord shaping us, making us stronger, making us better. I know that we have many spirit children waiting to come to this earth through our love, and I look forward to the day when we finally, finally get to meet them. 

It Begins.

It's that time of year again.

The end of summer.

August.

School.

As I mentioned in a previous post, I am taking the year off.

DJ, however, dives into his first quarter of graduate school on Thursday.

Bless his heart!

On Saturday, after our eventful evening at the hospital the night before, we decided to go out to dinner to mourn celebrate the beginning of a brand new school year.

We talked about DJ's goals for the year and how we can work together to achieve them.

College is hard.

Graduate school is harder.

DJ will do great, and I am so proud of him for making the choice to further his education for the benefit of our family.

Monday.

Happy Monday.

Today I woke up feeling pretty good, which doesn't usually happen on Mondays.

I even did my hair and makeup for the occasion. 

I'm grateful that I'm feeling good today, and I am excited for a fulfilling and productive Monday!

Here's a short update on Haley's Happenings:

Last Thursday, we went and watched Brandon and Ella compete in the City of Mesa swim meet. They both did a great job, and I'm so glad to be their big sister!

I love these goonies.

On Saturday, DJ and I went and helped one of the family's good friends, Dee, and her three daughters into their new house. We were supposed to meet at 10:00 to begin helping, and when DJ woke me up at 9:45 I considered staying in bed for another hour or so and then joining up with the rest of the crew. But then I thought about all of the crap that my family would give me if I did that, and rolled my lazy butt out of bed. 

Nothing quite like the fear of endless grief to motivate a girl.

And now today I am back at work, doing my thing. 

It's a Monday, and it's a good day.

Here and Now.

Last night my father-in-law gave me one of the sweetest blessings I have ever received.

I prayed all day long and the night before that I would be prepared for the blessing, and that my heart would be softened and that I would be able to accept whatever was said. I prayed that I would find answers and strength in the words that were spoken.

While the blessing was powerful and filled with the Spirit, it was much different than I expected and I didn't necessarily hear exactly what I was hoping I would hear. But, after falling to my knees and asking the Lord for understanding, I came away with a new resolve to better myself and prepare for the future that is in store for me.

One critical, recurring point in my blessing was that my experiences and trials would be used to bless others.

While I do not fully understand how that will happen, knowing that it will help others creates a greater sense of appreciation for the hardships that I have been through, as well as hope that I will continue to understand and discover the Lord's plan for me. I have complete and total faith that the struggles I have endured and the ones that I have yet to endure will mold me into the person that I am meant to become.

Counsel to enjoy the journey and embrace what is around me now was also a recurrent theme in my blessing.

Which is something that I seriously struggle with. 

Patience does not come easily to me. I constantly am looking forward to the next big thing, the next adventure ahead of me, and I let the here and now slip by. But here and now is a beautiful place to be, and I often find myself looking back and wishing that I had better enjoyed the experiences that have now passed me by.

Through further reflection and counsel with the Lord, I have been inspired to make some changes to better embrace the wonderful life around me.

I will rid my life of the negative, 

the things that are hindering my progress towards becoming the best me I can be.

I will not allow myself to sink to that scary place that lacks happiness, 

even when things get difficult or overwhelming.

I will be more diligent at praying and reading the scriptures daily.

I will fill my days with meaningful activities, and avoid aimless downtime as much as I possibly can.

I will better serve and love those around me.

Each day I will reflect upon the goodness that I discovered around me and 

record my progress as I try to implement these goals into my life.

 I will enjoy the here and now.

I would be ungrateful if I didn't mention how blessed I am to have the power of the Priesthood in my life. I am so thankful for a husband, a father, a father in law, uncles, grandparents, cousins, friends, and countless other righteous men who are worthy to possess the Power of God here on this earth. I am grateful to my Father in Heaven who's Plan of Happiness allows me to be blessed by the Priesthood and witness the miracles that faith can manifest.

Seven Weeks.

I apologize in advance to any readers who might find the following post distasteful - if I even have any readers.

However, I'm writing this blog for me, for my own personal benefit, not to entertain.

It's my journal, my therapy, my document of this journey I am on.

Therefore I will say what I want, and it's gonna get personal.

You've been warned.

I've been struggling lately (even more than normal - ha) because things are getting weird up in here.
And when I say up in here, I mean up in ME <----- *not funny? ok sorry, I couldn't resist*

It's been seven weeks since Aunt Flo has been in town. 

Yay! Is this an announcement?!

Nope. 

All of my tests have come back negative.

Which is extremely disheartening when all you want in life is for a little pee stick to show a plus sign.

At this point, I'd honestly welcome Aunt Flo.
At least then I would KNOW what's going on.

But alas, me and my trash bin full of negative pee sticks must wait.
Seven weeks.

Loves.

 

While I absolutely love my sweet husband and being with him is my favorite thing of all time,

I often find myself missing these goons.

Sure, they live like half a mile away, but unfortunately I still don't see them as often as I'd like to.

I miss being teased by my dad.

I miss talking with my mom about anything and everything.

I miss trading clothes and talking fashion with Jaidyn.

I miss being the butt of all of Brandon's jokes.

I miss snuggling with little Ella.

I miss my family, and I am so grateful that God put me here on this earth with them.

Wouldn't trade them for the world.

Gratitude.

I've been struggling a lot lately.

I hit my knees last night and begged God to help me find happiness in my life.

I'm having a difficult time keeping my mind off of the negative.

My sweet husband and I have been through a lot the past 10 months, and sometimes managing the emotions and the pain can become overwhelming.

I almost feel guilty letting myself think like this because I have been blessed immensely in my life, and the good definitely outweighs the bad. But it can be difficult nevertheless. 

Sometimes when I have felt this way in the past, knowing that my life is filled with so much good, but continuing to feel despair, I have found it helpful to think of all the things that I am grateful for. 

There are so many things, it would be impossible to list them all, but there are a few things that stand out in my mind as exceptional blessings in my life.

First, my sweet husband. He is my rock, my foundation.

 On our first date, we climbed up onto the roof of his house and he sang and played his guitar for me under the stars. I remember watching him and a voice in my head said to me, 

"You're going to marry him."

What?! This is only our first date! 

Yet here we are, almost two years later, so in love and happily married. 

He keeps me on track. When my path gets too difficult to walk alone, he holds my hand and guides me along. Sometimes I'm pretty sure he even has to drag me.

But he doesn't quit or let me falter, despite my protests and complaints. And I can be pretty dang good at complaining. He never gives up on me. 

I'm so grateful for my Father in Heaven for bringing me and DJ together. 

I'm unbelievably grateful for my Savior, who suffered at no fault of his, to allow me to turn to Him when I am feeling down. He knows what I am going through right now, He has felt my pain. 

What a beautiful plan God has, to allow His only Son to feel my pains so that I can find peace and comfort in my times of need. I honestly cannot think of a greater blessing.

Eternity.

"Choose your love and love your choice."

~ President Thomas S. Monson ~

With the passing of our dear Prophet's sweet wife today, I feel especially grateful for our Heavenly Father's plan of happiness and eternal marriage.

Getting married in the temple was the most humbling, yet magnificent thing I have ever experienced. 

Kneeling across the altar with my sweet forever man holding my hands.

Tears rolling down his face.

A smile as wide as the heavens on mine.

My heart had never been more full.

DJ and I knew that we were meant to be together very early on in our courtship.

The confirmation that we received as our relationship progressed was undeniable and unmistakable.

We were to begin a forever family side by side.

I am so grateful that we made the decision to become husband and wife.

I am even more grateful that God has set up his order in a manner that allows men and women to be sealed for time and all eternity in the temple.

I chose my love, and I love my DJ.

Husband Notes.

In a text message:

"I want you to know that I love you.

You are an amazing person who has the greatest capabilities in life.

You have so much love and concern.

You have a wealth of wisdom and you are not afraid of taking risks.

You work so hard at everything that you do.

I am so amazed by you, 

I can only wish to be as great as you.

I am humbled as I think that you would love me as much as you do.

I seriously feel so blessed to have you as my eternal companion.

I love you with all my heart!

You are a fantastic human being!

Samantha is lucky she gets to spend all day with you, everyday - I envy her!

You are great, you are the best, you are smart, you are beautiful, 

you are thoughtful, considerate, and compassionate.

Thank you for everything that you do.

I just love you.

I want you to know."

 He has my heart. 

Overwhelmed.

Recording our story of miscarriage and loss was one of the hardest things I have ever done. 

And then I felt that it needed to be shared.

Find our story here. 

Multiply that difficulty by infinity, and then add in fear, anxiety, embarrassment, etc., etc., etc.

SO SCARY.

I honestly expected a few (like 10) people to bother taking the time to read my message.

I did not expect my post to have over 650 hits in 24 hours. 

I did not expect the sweet comments, the lovely messages of hope and peace, the positive encouragement.

I did not expect the magnitude of love and support that was sent our way.

I am overwhelmed.

I hoped that some good would come from sharing our story, and I truly feel like we benefited more than anyone else possibly did or ever could. That was not my goal in sharing our story, but  I am so thankful to everyone for reading and sharing and even more so for their kind words.

Thank you.

Handsome Pants.

See this man?

Isn't he adorable?

I have a story to tell about him.

This amazing husband of mine just graduated with his Bachelor's degree in Accountancy from ASU.

Now, let me tell you why this is such a big huge enormous deal.

Unlike some, school never came easy to DJ. He has always struggled.

But he has never given up.

DJ has worked harder at obtaining a college degree than anyone I have ever met (and I've met lots of people).

Countless hours were spent studying, reading, writing.

Too many fun activities were skipped in order to study an extra hour or two.

But he was determined to complete his college career.

AND HE DID IT!

With an above-average GPA!

He did so well, in fact, that he was accepted into ASU's Accounting GRADUATE program. My husband is going to be a graduate student. Seriously, I think that is so cool.

I wish I was more like Deejer when it comes to schooling. His dedication and persistence, qualities that will help him in his future career, blow my mind. He is incredible, and I am so thankful that he has worked so hard to obtain his Bachelor's degree, something that I am sure will bring enormous blessings to our family for the rest of this lifetime.