Fat.

Dying over this right here, mostly because it's exactly how I feel. Also it's hysterical.

DJ and I have recently began a quest towards our pre-marriage bodies. 

We've each put on 20+ pounds since we tied the knot and we feel (and look) fat. 

I put on some leggings the other day and seriously, I was a wide-load. I can't believe I left the house.

It's bad.

DJ bought a gym membership with his graduation money and has been pretty good about going with his buddy Jeff.

 He also has a road bike and loves to cycle at the butt crack of dawn with a group of guys.

I, on the other hand, do not have a gym membership or a bike. Or friends.

I have the kitchen full of temptations all to myself.

Really really delicious temptations.

I've been trying to cut back on my calorie intake, but I am afraid my approach is flawed - 

basically I eat a granola bar or two throughout the day and binge eat my dinner. 

Working on figuring that out.

Also I tried to run on Tuesday night. 

Keyword here is "tried".

I lasted about 5 minutes on the treadmill and was ready to surrender 

my firstborn child to the gods of exercise if they would just MAKE IT STOP.

Did not go well.

But I shall keep trying. 

Truth.

Little Nasty.

 So yesterday I was reading up on some baby and fertility stuff and one of the websites had a "See What Your Baby Will Look Like" link. So I decided to play along, knowing full well what I was getting myself into. So I uploaded our pictures and clicked "Show Me My Baby!" and this is what we got:

Look. I mean look.

I don't think I have ever seen a worse face-morphed image in the history of ever. I was laughing (and still am) SO hard at this freaky little thing. I texted the picture to DJ and said "Maybe we shouldn't have kids!"

Still laughing.

Gratitude.

I've been struggling a lot lately.

I hit my knees last night and begged God to help me find happiness in my life.

I'm having a difficult time keeping my mind off of the negative.

My sweet husband and I have been through a lot the past 10 months, and sometimes managing the emotions and the pain can become overwhelming.

I almost feel guilty letting myself think like this because I have been blessed immensely in my life, and the good definitely outweighs the bad. But it can be difficult nevertheless. 

Sometimes when I have felt this way in the past, knowing that my life is filled with so much good, but continuing to feel despair, I have found it helpful to think of all the things that I am grateful for. 

There are so many things, it would be impossible to list them all, but there are a few things that stand out in my mind as exceptional blessings in my life.

First, my sweet husband. He is my rock, my foundation.

 On our first date, we climbed up onto the roof of his house and he sang and played his guitar for me under the stars. I remember watching him and a voice in my head said to me, 

"You're going to marry him."

What?! This is only our first date! 

Yet here we are, almost two years later, so in love and happily married. 

He keeps me on track. When my path gets too difficult to walk alone, he holds my hand and guides me along. Sometimes I'm pretty sure he even has to drag me.

But he doesn't quit or let me falter, despite my protests and complaints. And I can be pretty dang good at complaining. He never gives up on me. 

I'm so grateful for my Father in Heaven for bringing me and DJ together. 

I'm unbelievably grateful for my Savior, who suffered at no fault of his, to allow me to turn to Him when I am feeling down. He knows what I am going through right now, He has felt my pain. 

What a beautiful plan God has, to allow His only Son to feel my pains so that I can find peace and comfort in my times of need. I honestly cannot think of a greater blessing.

Heavy.

Disclaimer: This post isn't being written by my normal, generally happy self. 

I just need to vent a little bit.

Today is Friday, and looking back at the week I just had, I think to myself, "I am SO over it."

Yeah, it's been one of those weeks.

I've had a lot on my mind lately, and I am having a difficult time sorting through everything.

I'm in a serious funk.

Since bringing Benny home (whom I absolutely love and adore, don't get me wrong), I haven't gotten much sleep. He is still such a "baby" puppy, and being away from his litter mates has been super duper challenging, for him and for us. Poor baby just cries all night long, every night. The first night we had him he did very well, I think it was because he was absolutely exhausted from the day. The next night, however, he woke up on the hour every single hour from 11PM to 5AM. Literally all night long. DJ was so good and got up with him all but once, but this resulted in my having to sleep on the floor with Benny all night long the following night. Finally, we ended up putting him in another room for the night, but we can still hear him. So I am extremely exhausted.

The most pressing issue on my mind is the matter of trying to have a baby again. We have one more month until we are free and clear, according to doctor's orders. I have ZERO patience here. I just want to get this show on the road! I am ready, but DJ is adamant that we wait until I am cleared by the doctor. I totally know that this is what I need to do, but accepting that is challenging. Patience has never been my strong suit. I really REALLY want to have a baby. But then I am totally conflicted because the thought of getting pregnant again is just about paralyzing. I can't even begin to describe how scared I am that we will lose another baby. I totally believe that being positive and thinking positive thoughts returns positive outcomes, but I can't help but let this scary thought enter my mind every now and then (example: this past week). I am hoping and praying that things will go well with this next pregnancy, and I know that I really really have to think positive. It's just hard.

Well that's the end of my rant. I suppose that helped. I am very very excited for this week to be over, and I know that things will get better. It always gets better.

The Wild.

Well we went to the cabin at Bear Flats this past weekend. 

DJ and I had been wanting to go to his cabin for months and months and after a lot of planning and coordinating of schedules we hit the road!

We were joined by the awesome Kirkland clan:

P.S. Most of these pictures were taken by the lovely Kylie.

Read her account of our trip here.

As well as the dashing Stratton couple and their wee little buddy in Sarah's tummy:

Two other couples left for the trip with us, but unfortunately their car broke down and they weren't able to make it up to the cabin. Talk about a serious bummer.

ANYWHO!

So we arrived at the cabin late on Friday night and unpacked and visited with one another for a few hours. 

We were all absolutely pooped, so we went to bed pretty early. 

It was still very cold at the cabin, so we all huddled in the living room, on couch beds and air mattresses.

On Saturday, we went shooting!

DJ inherited two .22's and a 1916 Winchester from his great grandfather. 

We shot all three of these guns for the first time in 30-40 years!

The Winchester was WILD, it was the coolest thing ever. 

Brock brought a pistol and boy that thing was beastly. It was teeny tiny, but it packed a punch!

Jon brought a crazy big shotgun and was an AWESOME shot. 

Watching him shoot the flying pigeons was so cool!

We forgot to bring earplugs, so I'm pretty sure all of our ears were bleeding by the end of it.

After shooting, we went to the Blue Hole and relaxed and went fishing.

(This is the part where I steal all of Kylie's great pictures!)

I wasn't a big fan of putting the worms on the hook, but I got the hang of it after a little while!

See: 

Sarah caught a fish literally like two minutes after she put her line in the water.

Nobody else caught a fish for a loooong time. 

"Fish-ay fish-ay."

Jon did end up catching one more fish, lucky dude.

We made a big fire that night and stayed up way too late watching a movie.

On Sunday we woke up and tried to go by Fossil Springs, but the road down to the water was closed and there was NO way we were gonna do the 4 mile (each way) hike.

So instead we ate lunch in the shade of a Wells Fargo drive thru and went and got Benny a little bit early.

Overall, a wonderful, memorable trip filled with laughter, fun, and amazing friends!

Again soon, please? 

Benny.

DJ has four sisters, and is the only son in his family.

When his mom was pregnant with their last baby, 

DJ's parents told him that if this baby was a boy, he would get to have a little brother, 

but if it was a girl, they would buy him a puppy friend. 

Well, due to many unforeseen circumstances, 7 years have passed and still no puppy.

Until now!

Basically I am the best wife ever and arranged to adopt this little buddy to celebrate DJ's graduation!

Meet Benjamin Franklin "Benny" Odom, our new little lover boy!

We can't even handle how adorable he is. 

He is a 6 week old Border Collie/Labrador mix.

We were given him for free from some great friends up in Snowflake.

He is unbelievably patient (which will be great when we have kids), 

but is super playful and energetic at the same time.

He is still getting used to being away from his litter mates, 

so nighttime has been challenging the last few nights. 

Fortunately, we brought two of his sisters back to the valley with us, 

and one of them is with DJ's parents, so he has friends to play with. 

He is such a peach and watching DJ interact with him is the cutest thing I have ever seen. 

Like major swoon.

I love my boys!

This is Benny with his two sisters that came back to the valley with us,

 Callie (the fluffy grey beauty on top) and Bailey (the sweet fatty on the left).

We had a three hour drive with three pups. Talk about an adventure!

They all did so good on the ride home, they mostly snuggled up with each other and napped. 

Baby Benny's favorite thing to do is nap.

When he is all finished playing, he will curl up wherever he wants and it's about impossible to wake him up.

He's such a snuggle bug, he loves to lay chest to chest with his nose nuzzled up in your neck.

We love our little guy and we couldn't have gotten a sweeter puppy!

Welcome home Benny!

Eternity.

"Choose your love and love your choice."

~ President Thomas S. Monson ~

With the passing of our dear Prophet's sweet wife today, I feel especially grateful for our Heavenly Father's plan of happiness and eternal marriage.

Getting married in the temple was the most humbling, yet magnificent thing I have ever experienced. 

Kneeling across the altar with my sweet forever man holding my hands.

Tears rolling down his face.

A smile as wide as the heavens on mine.

My heart had never been more full.

DJ and I knew that we were meant to be together very early on in our courtship.

The confirmation that we received as our relationship progressed was undeniable and unmistakable.

We were to begin a forever family side by side.

I am so grateful that we made the decision to become husband and wife.

I am even more grateful that God has set up his order in a manner that allows men and women to be sealed for time and all eternity in the temple.

I chose my love, and I love my DJ.

Husband Notes.

In a text message:

"I want you to know that I love you.

You are an amazing person who has the greatest capabilities in life.

You have so much love and concern.

You have a wealth of wisdom and you are not afraid of taking risks.

You work so hard at everything that you do.

I am so amazed by you, 

I can only wish to be as great as you.

I am humbled as I think that you would love me as much as you do.

I seriously feel so blessed to have you as my eternal companion.

I love you with all my heart!

You are a fantastic human being!

Samantha is lucky she gets to spend all day with you, everyday - I envy her!

You are great, you are the best, you are smart, you are beautiful, 

you are thoughtful, considerate, and compassionate.

Thank you for everything that you do.

I just love you.

I want you to know."

 He has my heart. 

Blood.

Look at us. Just Look.

We are perfect for each other, no?

Unbelievably compatible, in every way but one.

Blood.

Yes. Our blood is not compatible.

Hence our struggles with pregnancy and miscarriage.

Here's the deal:

DJ's blood type is RH positive, very common, very normal.

My blood type, however, is not so common. It is RH negative. 

Only 15% of people in the world are RH negative, and I happen to be one of them.

How cool.

What does it mean to be Rh negative?

"Women who are RH negative tend to have an immune system reaction when RH positive blood is introduced into their system. This basically means that the RH negative person's body recognizes the RH positive blood as an invader. If an RH negative woman is pregnant, there is a chance that the baby she is carrying is RH positive. If this is the case, the baby's RH positive blood can enter the mother's bloodstream, which will cause her immune system to learn how to respond to it. The first baby an RH negative mother has is usually okay. However, if the woman becomes pregnant again with a second child, the woman's immune system has learned to destroy RH positive blood, and when the mother's blood enters the baby, it can cause problems. There is a shot, called RhoGam, that will stop the immune system from learning RH positive blood, and therefore prevent her body from attacking the baby in a future pregnancy."

Basically, without the RhoGam, my body treats Baby like an allergic reaction.

We did not know that I was RH negative at the time of our first pregnancy. This miscarriage was a completely natural occurrence, no fault on our part, not caused by the RH negative factor. It happens. BUT because we did not know that I am RH negative, we did not receive a RhoGam shot at the time of "delivery" like I should have. This DID cause problems with the second pregnancy.

Unfortunately we did not learn that my blood is RH negative until the time of my D and C surgery, after Baby 2 passed away. But, I was able to get the RhoGam, which will hopefully result in a successful pregnancy next time around.

I am so grateful for modern technology that allowed doctors to discover this RH problem and develop a solution. DJ and I are hoping and praying that this technology will assist us in bringing our little spirits to us here on Earth. 

Overwhelmed.

Recording our story of miscarriage and loss was one of the hardest things I have ever done. 

And then I felt that it needed to be shared.

Find our story here. 

Multiply that difficulty by infinity, and then add in fear, anxiety, embarrassment, etc., etc., etc.

SO SCARY.

I honestly expected a few (like 10) people to bother taking the time to read my message.

I did not expect my post to have over 650 hits in 24 hours. 

I did not expect the sweet comments, the lovely messages of hope and peace, the positive encouragement.

I did not expect the magnitude of love and support that was sent our way.

I am overwhelmed.

I hoped that some good would come from sharing our story, and I truly feel like we benefited more than anyone else possibly did or ever could. That was not my goal in sharing our story, but  I am so thankful to everyone for reading and sharing and even more so for their kind words.

Thank you.

Handsome Pants.

See this man?

Isn't he adorable?

I have a story to tell about him.

This amazing husband of mine just graduated with his Bachelor's degree in Accountancy from ASU.

Now, let me tell you why this is such a big huge enormous deal.

Unlike some, school never came easy to DJ. He has always struggled.

But he has never given up.

DJ has worked harder at obtaining a college degree than anyone I have ever met (and I've met lots of people).

Countless hours were spent studying, reading, writing.

Too many fun activities were skipped in order to study an extra hour or two.

But he was determined to complete his college career.

AND HE DID IT!

With an above-average GPA!

He did so well, in fact, that he was accepted into ASU's Accounting GRADUATE program. My husband is going to be a graduate student. Seriously, I think that is so cool.

I wish I was more like Deejer when it comes to schooling. His dedication and persistence, qualities that will help him in his future career, blow my mind. He is incredible, and I am so thankful that he has worked so hard to obtain his Bachelor's degree, something that I am sure will bring enormous blessings to our family for the rest of this lifetime.

Angels.

I've spent quite some time debating whether or not I am ready to write about this. 

I do not know if anyone will read this, 

or if they will even care.

But I remember the messages shared with me, ones that were thought to be obscure, ones that lifted me up in my time of need. And I am inspired and encouraged to write, hoping that our story will maybe possibly touch someone's life, as others' messages have touched ours.

August 28, 2012

We lost our baby.

It is difficult to describe how I felt when we realized what was happening. 

It now seems like a blur, a dream, when I think about it. 

All I am sure of is that I was in pain.

Unimaginable pain.

Physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually. 

Just pain.

All of the excitement that I had felt upon realizing we were going to have a baby was halted and replaced with this pain. "Delivering" the baby was physically draining, but the emotional and spiritual pain that accompanied our loss was incredible.

I remember being angry, confused and hurt. I was so angry that it made me physically ill. All I have ever wanted was to be a mother and in a day or two that opportunity was torn from my grasp. I hated everything. I did not want to talk to anyone, I did not want to see anyone. I refused to accept comfort and support. I hated going out, I hated staying in. I hated waking up in the morning, I hated going to sleep. 

I was devastated. 

Why did this have to happen to me?

Why would God allow me to suffer like this?

Why did I have to give my baby back?

So many tears were shed. Sobbing, crying, screaming, moaning.

Complete and utter heartbreak.

While he was heartbroken as well, my poor husband did not understand what I was going through and had a hard time empathizing with my pain. Neither of us realized the effect that losing our baby would have on our relationship, and we struggled for a while. 

Eventually we realized that we weren't enough. We could not carry ourselves through this trial.

 Our faith had been shaken, but we needed it now more than ever before. 

We fell to our knees and asked for understanding, for comfort, for hope.

And it came.

It still hurt to hear friends announce that they were pregnant. 

I still got choked up at the sight of beautiful pregnant women or sweet tiny babies.

But the pain was bearable, and we knew that the Lord was looking out for us and giving us strength.

A few months went by, and we felt like the worst had passed. We were moving forward, with the Lord at our side, looking forward to what the future had in store for us.

And then a miracle happened.

Our rainbow baby was on its way! 

We were pregnant!

The joy DJ and I felt was amazing. We shared that joy with our family and close friends, and we were all looking forward to meeting our little miracle.

I struggled with morning sickness and fatigue for weeks and weeks, but I could not have been happier. 

My dreams were coming true, and all of the discomfort was going to be worth it. 

At 10 weeks we went to see the doctor for the first time. Now, with the previous pregnancy, we never got around to seeing a doctor as the baby passed away before we had the opportunity to do so. We did not know what to expect, but we were ecstatic to be going to meet our baby.

The ultrasound.

"Is that our baby?!"

"Yes it is."

The most amazing thing I had ever experienced, seeing that teeny tiny body inside of mine. 

DJ and I loved each other then more than ever before. 

We were so thrilled and overwhelmed that we did not realize that we couldn't hear a heartbeat.

We were ushered into the doctor's office, where we waited, expecting to hear all about the do's and don't's of pregnancy. We could not believe that we were going to be parents. 

Then the doctor came in.

The baby has no heartbeat.

The baby has no heartbeat.

March 26, 2013, almost 7 months to the day, we lost our second baby.

The tears came, the sorrow, the heartbreak. 

But no anger.

A night and day difference from our previous loss.

This was a huge change for me. DJ was so loving and supportive, we grew closer together rather than further apart. Our loss was great, but we felt the Lord's arms around us, sheltering us from the pain. 

We were blessed with understanding and hope for the future. 

This time around, we let people in. The support of friends and family was overwhelming. From flowers, to dinners, to phone calls and sweet messages, we were blown away by the magnitude of love that was sent our way. Many of the people who reached out to us didn't even realize the impact that their actions had. We realized that God was working behind the scenes for our good, especially at this time. 

While our two little baby angels were in heaven with Him, 

His angels were working here on this earth to bring us strength and comfort.

I think about my babies every single day. 

I yearn for them.

I cry for them.

I miss them.

But I know that I am stronger because of them. There was a time when I could not possibly imagine what good could come out of such an experience as this, but the Lord has opened my eyes, and I now recognize all that my sweet husband and I have learned. 

And I am grateful.

Introductions.

I've always struggled with composing initial entries into anything - journals, blogs, you name it. 

It's awkward. Sort of like that picture. 

I plan to print this blog and keep it around for the rest of my life. 

But where does one start? 

Certainly not from the beginning, that would take a lifetime or two to document.

I suppose I will jump right in where we are right now. An update, of sorts.

2013.

DJ has graduated from Arizona State University with a Bachelor's degree in Accountancy. He is going to begin graduate school come August. One year of school left, then a lifetime career ahead. I'm so very proud of him, he has worked his tail end off to complete his education. He's the hardest worker I know. Love him.

I'm working and going to school full-time. And that's about it.

Like I said, awkward.

But so are we.